Parents of Year 1 children - can you tell me what their behaviour is like?

[ksld]

DS is a Summer born child in Year 1. He doesn't seem to have any particular friends and is often left out with party invites from the group he likes. So I have invited a few different friends round to play (having taken advice from previous threads on here).

The friends he has picked to come round have all been really high maintenance and the playtime has not been fun at all. They have needed constant monitoring and I have ended up telling them off constantly, and refereeing disputes. DS is no angel, and on the 'playdates' (for want of a better word) has also behaved very differently from usual.

I am just wondering after the third disasterous playdate if I am expecting too much for their behaviour, and if this is normal for (excited) 6 year olds?
Some of the things they have done:
closed DH's work on the computer in order to find games to play without even asking if could use computer
left the house without asking to go down the road to see another child from school
jumped off the beds
thrown sand at younger DC
sworn (f word)
refused to even sit at the table with us for supper despite dictating what we will eat
teasing the dog despite repeated asking them not too
ignored me completely

I just find myself thinking I don't want DS to behave like this, and if this is normal for his peer group then do I want him to fit in with that peer group, or is he in the wrong school setting? Or am I being overly precious about some still very young boys, and will find the same sort of thing in any school?

Might be that you've been unlucky so far. I know DS has a couple of friends who I tend to only take to the park as they're easier to manage in open spaces, but others who I'd have round anytime, as I know there won't be any problems.

I think it may be something to do with the children he is picking.... Often the cool, funny kids can be the ones that the others want to play with most. The cool, funny kids are also sometimes more confident in new environments (such as your house) and therefore can seem more challenging in their behaviour. Do you know any quieter children who maybe might "gel" with your ds better, and invite them round instead just to see if the dynamic changes...

I have no experience with year 1 boys btw -my dd is in reception and has had various play sessions with other children without the problems you mention, so I think you may have just been unlucky so far.

sounds like he is showing off in front of his friend and might not be ready to have a friend over. Meet in the park for a hour after school?

I have a 6yo girl so tend to get subtle psychological warfare rather than anything like you've described. Sigh. She has had one little boy round to play, and they were actually fantastic together - he's the youngest child in the class as well. On the other hand DD has done some really out of character things when friends have been round, and not necessarily things that would be IN character for the other child. They just seem to egg each other on and behave quite strangely, if not badly. She's not done the leaving the house, but a couple of the boys did when we were at a neighbour's house (neighbour's Yr2 son and his Yr1 friend) - everyone was shocked that they did it.

Maybe you'd be better off inviting another mum round with her child, rather than having just the child round, then he might either behave himself or you'll get an idea of what his mum's expectations are about behaviour?

I'm taking it your ds is the same age as my ds as he is also summer born yr 1 and still 5.

He wouldn't behave this way at home (not heard he's done it elsewhere but?) and I'm sure none of his friends would (altho they don't come round as I work til after school day ends)

However I have had dc's round with their parenst who have behaved in this way (girls and boys) so I would agree that maybe keep inviting different dc's until you find 1 which will respect your house and you.

Sounds like your ds is picking the cool kids for friends and just showing off to them - that is normal behaviour still at this age.

I would recognise any individual incident from my ds's behaviour, but not the whole collection.

The great thing about Year 1 is that they really should be able to understand that this behaviour won't do. I would have a talk to your child about how he feels about the playdates - did he feel pressured to do stuff that he normally wouldn't do? He might welcome a change.

I agree with other posters to go over to taking friends to the park/for a walk/swimming for a bit, and to try some other children.

My ds is in year 1. I have to say I have found some of his male friends somewhat challenging to deal with - not quite as unmanageable as you describe, but definitely rather more persistent with their behaviour than i expect from my ds (who, in turn, is often more badly behaved when we have friends round). In my experience you do have to be pretty thick skinned and just keep repeating what you expect them to do until (eventually) they do it.
But tbh if I they had done the things you describe I would not have them round again. And i would not let them 'dictate' what we eat.

My dd who is in Year 1 recently had her birthday party. The girls were well behaved, polite and joined in all the games with enthusiasm. About half the boys behaved like the girls. The other half of the boys found it very difficult to join in organised games (and I'm talking games like musical bumps not hugely complicated games), hit each, did lots of pretty aggressive playfighting, threw things at each other and had to be frequently sheparded out of "out of bounds" areas. It was a bit of an eye-opener. ( And I'm not a push-over. I used to teach secondary in a fairly rough area.) I suppose I was most struck by the range of behaviour and social and emotional development amongst this group of (very nice) kids.

So, in answer to your question, I think what you have described as happening on your ds's playdates is maybe at one end of the normal range. However, there will be lots of kids in your ds's class who would behave a great deal more appropriately. As others have suggested, I would keep inviting other kids until you have a better experience. And I probably wouldn't have kids back who behaved very badly.

I have to admit that I -selfishly - only invite children around who are going to behave with my child.

My dd has a friend from pre-school days who is a good little girl. But the two of them at our house alway cause chaos. So it's easier not to invite her round.

If I'm in a mood from a mess, I might be more generous about who we have round, but if I'm tired I'll invite children who I know will behave when at our house.

One thing that might help is to arrange a picnic or morning out with a few friends from his class. You can then observe his interactions and see which child he is getting on with best. It may be that another summer born or a slightly shy child would suit him but he hasnt thought to invite them round. Get lots of emails before the end of term.

As to the behaviour my children always behave differently when they have a friend round, and I always get very stressed!

• Can I just clarrify - WITH parents, dont attempt to take a group out!

Not typical behaviour ime at all. How on earth could they get out of the house to go down the street? Where are you when they are behaving so badly? What do you do in terms of discipline?

Ds and his friends get treated the same by me and disciplined if they behave badly. Some boy combos play better than others but if they behave badly they get short shrift from me (all year 1 boys).

Thanks for all the replies - sorry, I didn't see this had been returned to over the weekend so hadn't come back to it.

I will try to arrange some parent accompanied plays in the holidays and see if that helps. I think you are all right I am inviting the wrong children round, DS is very easily led, and obviously likes the more confident boys...And his Mum is not much better because the confident boys often have confident Mums who intimidate me - the last boy who came round I just didn't feel I could ring the Mum to come get him because she would judge me for failing to control him.

(Actually without wanting to reveal my identity the Mum brought her son over to me after school to talk to me, I thought to apologise for his behaviour or at the least thank me for having him - neither of which he had done - but it was actually to tell me that he hadn't done one of the things I said he had done. Despite the fact I witnessed him do said thing, he told her he hadn't so clearly I was making it up! Because her son doesn't lie to her.)

MollieO - When the boys disappeared down the street I was in the back garden with them and thought they were heading in the house, I can't have been more than 30 seconds behind them once I realised where they were going. I handled that really badly and yelled at both of them.
I don't really know how to discipline someone else's child - my own children are put on the stairs or go to their room to calm down. Or lose a toy/treat depending on the circumstances. How do you discipline someone else's child? (actually interested in this as have had other Mums shout at me for telling off their children).

It does not seem to be the norm here to invite other children to the park and I am trying desperately to fit in as I have moved to this area, whereas a lot of people here have children attending the school they went to themselves. Is having other children to play absolutely necessary do you think? Or will DS make friends enough at school without having to have them round?

My DS is an elder Y1 ( 6, 7 in Oct ) and playdates used to be a challenge, although he is just as boisterous as his friends. He and his friends have got much more manageable and responsible the past 6 months.

I must say I like outdoor playdates best, and IME so do the boys. The garden, the park, wherever. A football and some food and they are generally very happy. They tend to run riot when bored and needing to use up energy or hungry IME.

In terms of discipline for other's DC, I am probably a bit more polite to other people's DC but my house, my rules. Its not OK to trash stuff, hurt the cat or the little sister etc. If DS had a friend who was very troublesome and wouldn't take the advice, they wouldn't get another invite. Life is too short to be stressing about other people's children. And I don't want my DS picking up bad habits either.

None of the behaviour mentioned would be allowed in my house. I have to say I am strict and dh tells me to not be strict with visiting children.

BUT - all children so far have asked when leaving that they'd like a) a sleepover and b) to come back again soon. So it can't be that horrendous at my house

All the things listed sound normal for children of that age IF they are not given boundaries, although the swearing and throwing sand at younger children is going a bit too far, and most children would do one of these things not all of them in one playdate.

I'd get one child round at a time, work out things to keep them occupied and make it clear that they are very welcome but you are in charge. They were just trying it on. I bet some of them told you that no one tells them what to do at home? (and I bet that is not true).

OK, for what it's worth, my thoughts based on my own experience of boys that age:

Computer stuff - normal (not saying it's good manners, but wouldn't surprise me)

Leaving house without asking: might go through gap in hedge to visit kids next door if saw them in garden. Have not had any other incidents of leaving house without permission.

Jumping off beds - wouldn't surprise me but would expect them to stop when asked.

Throwing sand at younger DC - haven't specifically had this one. Wouldn't expect aggressive behaviour, but would expect to have to step in fairly often to stop teasing of younger DC [sighs]

Using f-word: never (at least not within earshot!)

Refusing to sit at table at all - never had this, although getting down from table as soon as they themselves have finished without asking permission would be normal

Teasing dog - can't comment as we don't have any pets

Ignoring me completely - might take a few goes to get them to pay attention, but would get through eventually.

NB If I had a mum effectively accusing me of lying about her son's behaviour (as per OP's later post) I would definitely not invite that child back!

DH claims that he was one of the most popular boys in his yr group at school, and his mother never invited anybody around (nor was DH allowed out to play, either).

I reckon all the behaviours in OP reflect what many over-excited boys get up to if not sat on closely supervised.

DS is a summer born Yr1 boy.
His behaviour can be truly AWFUL, but there's a lot more to it than that.

DS has only been invited around for 2 playdates ever, so not a large sample size!! However, no reports of problems. Last invite was to a girl's house and we talked A LOT beforehand about how he had to behave very well or he would never get invited again.

He was perfectly well-behaved at other house but horrid when he got home (storing all his tensions up for us, methinks).

There is a lad in DS yr who has a much worse rep than DS: the one time this other lad came around here he was wonderfully sweet and perfectly behaved. Not a moment of bother.

A bit late getting back to this. I would discipline other people's children as I discipline my own in terms of telling off at the time. Of course I can't withdraw privileges - that is something for the parent to do when told of their dc's behaviour. I have on the odd occasion yelled at other people's children in front of them (school friends of ds) when their parent was doing nothing and it would have damaged something belonging to me.

If ds's friends's parents aren't happy for me to discipline their children when in my care then they simply don't get invited. I completely expect and understand that they will do likewise with ds whilst in their care.

If a mum did that to me (denying her son did anything) then ds would not have any future playdates with that child. The hassle of a mum with a PFB attitude is simply not worth it.