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To move my son against his wishes?

17 replies

jendot · 12/07/2010 11:31

Hi,
I guess I am hoping for a bit of reassurance that I am doing the right thing!
We recently (4 weeks ago) moved to a new area. The only school that could take my children this term was a 'failing school' that actually appeared to be looking up. I went to visit. The school and grounds were lovely, great artwork everywhere, the staff were lovely and I was pretty happy.
So we move house...and the children start. At drop offs and pickups Im a little concerened. Some of the parents are VERY scary, lots of big scary dogs tied to the gate, an alley of smokers to get through, lots of swearing and a huddle of yr 5 and 6 children who are not too polite to go through every morning to get in the gate. Day 2 my eldest 8 gets 'attatcked' by a sn child (fair enough it happens, the school do deal with it). Life goes on for a few weeks with me not being too happy. The older children at the school and the parents behave VERY badly and no one pulls them up on it. Police there lots etc.
Week 2 son gets attacked by a different sn child (he tried to strangle him in the playground and left bruises) school again dealt with it pretty well.
Now despite my concerns both children have settled in very well. They like the school, have made 'nice ish' friends.
Other concerns:
Neither get homework..and only the youngest gets a reading book.
There are very few out of school activities and no school community eg no one seems to have playdates / clubs / fetes etc None of the parents speak to each other. None of the teachers speak to the parents.

Are you still with me?

SO we have been offered a place for the eldest at the local church school. Closer to home, great reputation, appears to have much higher standards than current school. Being snobbish in a more 'middle class area' and a great community. I have accepted the place. BUT my son is furious and adament that he doesn't want to move school...arghhh I have given him every opportunity to make the decision his, I really wanted him to want something better. He has started the youth church that the school is attatched to and the cubs at the church hall with an aim of integrating him with the children that go there. Our next door neighbour who he is great friends with is also there. But he is pretty determined not to move.
The downsides are that my youngest will have to stay at scary school until a place is available...by himself! Obv causes complications with school runs etc but we can work around that.

SO am I being unreasonable to insist that he moves school...am I going to scar him for life??

I hate being a parent!!

OP posts:
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MathsMadMummy · 12/07/2010 11:40

it sounds awful. take him out, he's only been there a term, he'll get over it.

just hope your youngest gets a place too!

pilates · 12/07/2010 11:42

In your situation I would move him - I'm sure in less than 6 months he would have made new friends and forgotten the other school. Also you would then be priority for your other child to join the church school. IMO he is only 8 and too young to be making such important decisions. You are the mum! Good luck.

AMumInScotland · 12/07/2010 12:31

If you are concerned about his safety and welfare at the current school, then you have to move him. At 8 I don't think he gets to veto those sorts of parental concerns.

I'd probably waver more about it if he was 10 or 11, and your concerns were more vague about it just being "less nice" than the alternative. But, from what you've written, you need to make this choice as the parent here.

jendot · 12/07/2010 13:14

Thanks for your reassurance.

Its really tough because at 8 he obv 'feels' pretty grown up and able to make decisions. Its really horrible having tried to convince him that it's a good move and beneficial for him and get him to want him to move and then still for him to disagree with me...I KNOW that I am the parent and have to take the decision away from him because I know it is the best thing for him and that he is only 8 and not able to look at the bigger picture in this.

I wouldn't say he is immediate danger at current school. I find it intimidating but the kid's seem pretty oblivious! My concern is how the children at the school are behaving and eventually turning out..Im afraid my aspirations for my kids are a little higher!!

I guess I need to stop being a wuss!

OP posts:
belledechocolatefluffybunny · 12/07/2010 13:18

I was in your position last year. I moved ds, he's really happy now.

bigstripeytiger · 12/07/2010 13:23

I would move him, and hope that your youngest gets a place soon.
1 term isnt much.

IndigoBell · 12/07/2010 13:35

I didn't move my son for a year because he didn't want to (although the reason for the move was totally different to you). And now he loves his new school and he says 'why did I listen to him - I should have made him move earlier'

Seriously, he came out of school on the first day saying it was brilliant and we made the right decision to move him.

And I feel guilty for not moving him a year earlier when I first wanted to....

proudnsad · 12/07/2010 17:05

It's not his decision nor does it need to feel like it is. It's actually confusing and unsettling for dc for parents to 'over' discuss a life change. As you say it's your decision, as his parent, on his behalf. No dc (well few) want to move school and as we all know kids hate change.

Definitely, definitely move him. You are doing something GREAT for your ds and he will thank you for it.

Hulababy · 12/07/2010 17:16

I would move him. In the longer run you are benefitting him.

He is 8y. Yes, he can talk with you about his feelings, but at 8y he isn't old enough to make such a big decision himself.

jendot · 12/07/2010 18:25

proudnsad- you are so right! This would all have been so much easier if I had just said. Right from September you are going to blah blah because Im not happy with where you are. SO MUCH EASIER!

Unfortunatly as a parent you don't always get it right first time

OP posts:
colditz · 12/07/2010 18:30

I don't think you take his 'wishes' into account very much. At age eight, he is not in possession of the information needed to make the decision that needs to be made.

I actually wish I had been over ridden at age 14 and had been sent to the 'posh' comp 9 miles away rather than the appalling comp 2 miles away.

colditz · 12/07/2010 18:31

Well, you don't have to keep fannying around. You could just say "I have listened to you on the subject of school, but you will still be moving because that is what is best for you. If you like, get some of your friend's phone numbers and they can come for tea so you can keep in touch"

compo · 12/07/2010 18:35

Agree with colditz

jendot · 13/07/2010 08:15

Thanks for your advice. The decision has been made and son has been told that while we listened to his views and considered them we have made the decision that he is moving school in September and the reasons why.
We had some tears but he seems to have accepted it as a done deal.

Thanks for being a bit blunt with me. I asked the question to check that I wasn't being unreasonable taking that decision away from him. In reality I guess I had never given him the decision in the first place. I knew he was going to have to move as soon as we started there...in a silly hippyish kind of way it would be easier for him if the decision to move was his...I hadn't accounted for the fact that he wasn't going to see it as a good option and how I was then going to over rule him!!! Durr !

Anyway all sorted, thanks for the kick!

OP posts:
julybutterfly · 13/07/2010 09:11

Definitely move him. In 2 years time he'll more than likely be one of the 'not too polite' 10/11 year olds that you're scared of now if you leave him where he is!

Sounds like a dreadful school

compo · 13/07/2010 09:12

Brilliant outcome, he sounds like a star!

wonka · 13/07/2010 19:32

Jendot your post has just inadvertantly helped me facing a similar problem!

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