Should we change schools?

[Tricklinn]

Looking for some advice about my 12-year-old daughter (Year 7) and whether we should consider moving her school.

She’s struggled socially since starting—finds break/lunch overwhelming, often goes to pastoral, and hasn’t really formed close friendships. She does have a few friends, but isn’t particularly close to anyone, and overall it’s the environment she finds difficult. Although it’s a relatively small school, she finds it very crowded and intense (especially in corridors), and feels behaviour isn’t always well controlled.

There have also been a few concerns this year (including a racial slur incident I don’t feel was handled well, and a general sense that some girls (a particular group) can be quite dominating and unkind).

Recently, something happened that’s made things worse. My daughter gave another girl’s number to her friend (which I know was wrong), and the friend sent anonymous messages pretending to be someone else. The messages themselves weren’t unkind—they were more of a prank, pretending to know her and asking her to guess who it was. However, it understandably made the girl feel uncomfortable. This only lasted about 30 minutes in total, then stopped, and my daughter apologised quickly and genuinely.

She didn’t send the messages herself, but she felt so bad that she took full responsibility, even saying she told her friend to send them (which wasn’t true), because she panicked and was trying to protect her friend. Her friend goes to a different school, so won’t face the fallout, whereas my daughter is now dealing with it.

The girl was upset and has told others (it happened around a birthday sleepover), and now my daughter is very anxious about going into school. One of the girls has said her apology isn’t accepted.

We are considering another school which isn’t at full capacity and seems much calmer, with better behaviour. My daughter likes the idea of a completely fresh start, as she feels the current environment is too intense for her—but she’s understandably worried about being the “new girl” and not knowing anyone.

I’m torn because:

• she’s very sensitive and visibly upset
• she already wasn’t settled socially
• I don’t fully trust the school to handle things well
• but I don’t want to overreact to a situation that may blow over

Would you expect something like this to fade quickly, or could it have longer-term impact? And would you consider moving schools in this situation?

Any advice really appreciated.

Move her school now, this will only get worse as she progresses. Moving now is early enough for a fresh start and she will be new, but that will als be an opportunity for her to start again. I think also an important lesson learnt that being the new girl is the price you pay for the fresh start.

I think also she needs to have a hobby outside of school that gives opportunity for friendship so that if things get worse again, she has another outlet. You can’t move her schools every time things go wrong, but this first time it seems to be more the school isn’t a good fit.

I too would move her, especially if she’s happy to go. Maybe starting in September would be a good time if they have a space?

I moved my son, best decision ever. Being the new kid lots of people wanted to make friends, so made several friends before settling into his close friendship group and was so much happier. His previous school had a nasty clique too, new school really good with squashing any bad behaviour. It's made him brave, he moved schools and survived and was brave enough to do that, so it changed his outlook.
We talked before about strategies of striking up conversation and making friends. He took in old Pokémon cards and he asked them what they liked doing, all pretty basic, but it worked and he had a plan rather than being frightened.
Good luck.

So glad it worked out for your DS @JustLookingThanks