Help with 11 year old

[fitnessmummy]

My daughter is almost 12

For a few years I have suspected she may have ADHD OR AUTISM. All the research I’ve done leans more towards inattentive adhd.

She is calm polite and smart.

She never been very affectionate, she struggles to tell us how she feels emotionally and physically. For example she should
Know different types of belly aches you might get. But she doesn’t she’ll just say something like she has a belly ache but can’t say what. She would NEVER tell us if she was upset about something and no matter how hard I try I can’t get in. It’s like the is a glass screen between us and her emotions are well hidden.

I didn’t chase the diagnoses because it always felt so mild and manageable so i didn’t think the would be any value in it and I didn’t want it to define her or for her to use it as an excuse. But now she’s getting older it’s getting really hard and what concerns me most is her coldness.

Last night her best friends mum messaged me a video of messages they has exchanged and my daughter was unrecognizable in the messages! The friend has posted a picture of her with other other friends and my daughter clearly didn’t like it! To the point of almost bullying the other girl and not being nice. She was clearly jealous.

A while back I also found messages to her cousin who is 16 and suffers with mental health she was telling her how she hates herself, doesn’t have friends etc etc but it’s not true, she has friends even went to one of their houses last week. Most of the time with is she is very happy or appears to be!

She told her cousin in messages she was having a panic attack etc last week but looking back at timing she was on the sofa next to me and we’d have a nice evening watching a film.

She’s clearly lying about these things and playing up to her cousin! Or she really this down and unhappy?! I can’t let on too much as she’s deleting messaging and hiding things from me.

I will take away her phone, it’s going and she’s not having WhatsApp anymore. It’s a limited phone and doesn’t have anything else.

I just don’t know what to do! I will be looking at getting a diagnosis seriously now. Anyone have a daughter and recognize any of this behavior?

She comes from a happy home with hard working parents. I read up lots on breaking barriers for emotions in teens etc but I am at a total loss and it’s really concerning me.

Thanks for reading 😕

Firstly, she is entitled to a private life. It is perfectly normal for her to ‘hide things’ from you. My youngest daughter is a very private person. She is 13 and it can take some time before any upset or happiness is shared with us. She likes to process her own emotions before she shares. I know there is lots about her friendships that I don’t know but as long as she is happy and appearing to thrive I let her come to me when she’s ready. And she does when it matters.
Having said that you do have some issues here. The being mean online to her friends needs to be addressed obviously and I think she is too young for the phone and has lost the privilege to use it. The stuff with cousin looks like a way that she thinks she’s found to bond with her much older cousin. I doubt the cousin being burdened with the idea that her younger cousin is struggling is helping her mental health.
I would say that you should not confuse a lack of response from her with the idea that she’s not heard you. Talk to her about her behaviour and the emotions and consequences without expecting a response. She will have hopefully at least hear you and consider things.
Persue the diagnosis and see where it leads.

Thank you, I totally agree about the phone we actually researched a phone that is a dumb phone so all she can access is WhatsApp because I didn’t want her to feel cut off from making friends at the start of secondary school. It’s being taken away as a consequence.

The issue is no upset, or emotion is shared with us at all, this worries me! We are such an open family and I do respect her privacy but I need her to be open with us when she’s upset.

she never cries ever, but this morning we had a good chat and she sobbed her heart out. She admitted she was jealous and has apologized to her friend. I think this is a break through to some extent.

I worry she wants to be like her cousin and does it for attention in some ways! But I don’t want to only jump to that conclusion if she is upset.

we are now looking at getting an assessment privately so we can do a better job of supporting. Her. I just wish she would open up so we could help.

I think the PP has given you some very well measured and good advice. I just wanted to share a little of our experience with you. My DD now has a diagnosis of AuDHD. She doesn’t share hiw she feels but it’s not because she doesn’t want it’s because she lacks the ability to articulate those feelings.

I would start the process by doing this very simple progress checker.

You mention starting High School, does your DD alrwsdy have an ECHP @fitnessmummy?

No she doesn’t have an EHCP, I thought that was something that come after a diagnosis. I and clueless about it the whole diagnosis part!

Thank you for sharing, have you had any help with how to help her articulate her feelings? I can’t explain how she is, she closes down when you try to get her to talk about anything. It’s like there is a screen and you cannot get through. This is why it was huge the other day when she cried. She’s been a bit better mood wise since like she’s feeling some kind of relief.

I will look at this link, thank you @SleafordSods

The ECHP isn’t based in diagnosis, it goes on need so it’s absolutely fine to apply for one now. You might find that you can get some help with this in the SN section.