Year 7 friendship drama

[Oscarsmum1]

Very stressed and emotional mum here....I know that year 7 friendships are likely to be a challenge, so wasn't thinking it would all be a bed of roses, but I had no clue it would be this hard! My daughter is/was in a tight group of 4 and only one of the girls wasn't from the same primary school. It seems two of the girls want my DD out of the group and it's the two that she's known since she was 5. They are being so hurtful and so awful with things they are saying and it feels like this has literally happened over night. My daughter has no clue what she's done wrong. Does this stuff happen all the time?? She's devasted (as are we) and I'm not sure how's best to support her. Thanks for reading x

The absolute most important thing is that you do not convey how very stressed you are.

There is an ebb and flow to year 7 friendships and sadly this is a bit of a dip for your daughter. Next month it will be someone else but you won’t know about that because you’re daughter will be part of the main group!

Encourage her to focus on other friendships

in fact a- invite another friend over this weekend for a sleepover

Secondary school friendships are hideous at first. Be sympathetic, listen to the rants, try and suggest strategies and encourage other friendships. They find their tribe but it is rocky. She needs to learn to navigate it and you are hearing one side of the story. Unfortunately the evil that is social media complicates their ability to reason as what is posted matter so much to them. As a mum of a twenty something and a 6th former I can say it does get better but it is so different to my school days it’s hard to fathom.

OK deep breaths. If she's known them since she was 5, there's a high chance that they have simply outgrown each other or became friends because they were thrown together and this is there first chance to evaluate why they are friends (was it a smallish school with few friendship options?). Many primary school friendships don't survive the move to secondary.

Whilst it's not nice that they are saying they want her out the group, 11/12 year olds are not known to be great at expressing themselves and, if it's a case of they simply now have different interests and are moving in different directions, then, sadly, your DD just needs to accept this and move on and make other friendships (which she should do anyway - a tight friendship group of 4 is too restrictive ) - they are not obliged to be friends with her forever. I would suggest if she hasn't done this that your DD openly asks if there is anything she has done that has upset them. It might not mend the friendship but it would help her to know when building friendships with others. Of course, as I said earlier, it might well be nothing she has done but just changing personalities and interests.

I'd also try to encourage her to think of this as the normal run of things and not to be devastated. I expect it may be particularly hard as it may be she's never had to think about making new friends before and it feels rather scary. However, it's highly likely that there will be more such dramas during her time in secondary school and beyond.

Thank you, you are so right.

I know this is an old thread but Going through something similar & wondered how your DD got on & if you had any words of wisdom ! Finding this age so hard to navigate . Thanks

hello. Im so sorry you are going through this, its incredibly painful for our children but also for us mums too. Im not sure these are words of wisdom but please know that it does get better, and quite quickly I found. Looking back on our issues that we had (and sometimes still have) with mean girls, I realised that my daughter was more resilient than me in many ways. Yes she was hurt, dreaded going to school and was difficult at home about it but she bounced back remarkably quickly when things settled down. It was me that held a grudge!!! Regarding actions plans, we spoke to the school about it and they sort of helped but there's only so much they can do. We gave my daughter lots of positive reinforcement at home and explained to her that this happens to tons of girls all over the world, not just her. That helped her realise that she wasnt to blame. I also saw these on instagram that I quoted:
"Dont chase people who choose to leave you out, friendship should not feel like you are constantly auditioning for an invitation".
"Having fewer good friends is better than belonging to a large group where you have to pretend to fit in"
We also talked to her a lot about choosing to spend time with people that make you feel good about yourself.
Of course, all that is easier than said than done but eventually she came through it and now has some nice friends. I said to her only yesterday that eventually nice girls find each other.
Year 7 is awful but you are not alone!!!
hope that helps.
x

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply I really appreciate it & I’m so happy for your DD that everything has improved ! My DD has just turned 12 & had no issues at all in primary school & is such a lovely kind girl but what I have realised is she is not as mature as her peers (makeup , boys , and generally just mature chat) so I can see her friends drifting , so not necessarily being mean (odd comment here & there ) & just more not much time for her anymore and I feel so sad for my DD and it’s much more apparent in secondary. I am trying to guide and not over step the mark but When. She is no longer invited to all the events I just feel so sad for her it’s just such a learning curve. Thank you again for your lovely help !

I remember experiencing similar in year 7, my friendship group (some who i knew from primary school) were very fickle and could be quite nasty. I ended up getting close to other new friends in my class and I ended up 'changing' friendship groups. I think it's just something that happens at that age unfortunately!