No friendship group

[Itsanewyear26]

My DH doesn’t think this is a problem but it worries me.

DS10, Y5, doesn’t have a friendship group. He definitely has a few individual friendships, some closer than others - I’d say he’s got 2 very close friends, and then maybe 2 other “good” friends, and then all the other boys in his class he likes, his teachers claim he’s well liked by peers, but I wouldn’t call them his friends. No party invites or play dates from anyone other than the 4 I’ve mentioned.

My worry is that he isn’t in a friendship group. His two closest friends aren’t particularly friendly with each other, neither are the “good” friends. So at break times I get the impression he hangs out with either 1 friend at a time, or 1 of his closest and then their close friends. I think his close friends have got little groups, so DS sometimes tags in. He’s always preferred 1-1 or smaller groups, he was part of a friendship trio in infants but one of the boys was problematic, it wasn’t a healthy dynamic and thankfully that child moved away.

Has anyone else’s DC been like this, and they found their “tribe” at high school? DS is quirky and isn’t a “sporty” kid like a lot of the boys in his class, and sadly he won’t make any effort with any of the girls, I wish he would as he’s a gentle boy and not into some of the sillier, laddy behaviour.

If he's always preffered 1 to 1 why do you want him to have a group of friends? It doesn't sound like that's what he wants

That’s exactly my DH’s opinion! My worry is that his friends do have their own groups, so he’s always just a tag on, a bit of a spare part and left out.

I have a year 5 boy and this doesn't sound particularly unusual to me.

My DS was exactly like this. Never really had any best friends in primary but had a few closer friends but was "well liked and got on well with all peers." To be fair, I did often witness various kids in all different year groups who would talk to and play with DS, on the school runs and when we were at local park etc so I knew he did get on with alot of people but no best friends.
He started secondary in September and he now has 4 best friends. They're a great little group of boys and they all seem to be on the same wavelength. He did know 2 of them from primary but they've gotten closer since secondary and another boy has joined them too.

As long as he is happy that’s fine. My older DD had a friendship group and there always seems to be problems. My youngest just had a couple of individual friends and was much happier

I’ve been like this all my life. I have several 1 to 1 friendships and all are completely separate.

Another who thinks like your dh.

I can't see what there is to worry about here.

I have 3 dc.
One had a strong 'group' of friends from Reception to Yr6. IME, that is quite unusual.

The other two got on with everyone, and, at different times had closer friendships with one person or another person or even 3, but were never part of an identifiable 'group'.
All 3 of my dc are adults, and the way they 'do' friendship is similar. If DCs 1 and 3 happen to mention in passing they were going for a curry, or to a party or any other social occasion, I would have no idea which of their friends they were likely to be seeing. DC2, I could predict who they would be with. Neither is happier / less happy, all have plenty of friends for their needs / wants.

My eldest son never really had "a tribe" - he had a (similarly quirky) best friend from nursery school right through, but wasn't sporty either, so even in secondary had 1:1 friendships. He was well liked, very articulate and witty (his eloquence and humour got him out of many "scraps" and stopped him being picked on as he could retort with a scathing verbal attack if needed!). As he got older these individual friendships would join together into a group at times. At university, he shared with original primary school friend (ended up doing same degree so obviously we're well matched from the beginning!) and met his now girlfriend through this friend (the girlfriends are best friends!). He has travelled with different groups from uni who share his interests and is well liked (tends to organise and lead), but he was always an individual who never cared about following the crowd and always had his own mind. I admire this (and I was exactly the same!). His younger brother is the opposite and even from toddler groups found a tribe and went with the flow.

Anyway, I'd not worry - they're all different. Car journeys with eldest and his friends were full of "geeky" chats (it was like an episode of The Big Bang Theory), whereas younger son's group friendships seem fun, but much more superficial (no deep chats about the meaning of life...in front of me anyway). Actually, younger son seems to find it harder to make new friends at university and misses the school tribe, so maybe being able to cultivate various quality friendships is ultimately better and more fulfilling than merging (or lost) into a larger group and not being fully seen or heard.

Maybe society expects boys to hang out in large groups, but as long as they're happy that's the main thing.

I think your son sounds perfectly typical to me. My son is 11- he had one close friend and other pals too in Y5/6. He's never done sleep overs and only at the end of y6/start of y7 started going to a friend's house (he's done this 3 times since August). A couple of good friends is all we actually need.

My DS is like that. It was a but worrying at first because DD has always had her little gang, but they’re just very different. DS is more quiet and reserved, does much better in a small group or 1 to 1. As long as he’s happy that’s fine.

DS1 only really had 1 friend at Primary and that friend sometimes liked him and sometimes didn’t. This DS1 is quirky and not usual laddish / boisterous boy. Teacher said he gets on well with others, he may of done but no party invites came through the door or play dates arranged when many others were going on.

DS did better at Secondary where they met new friends and had a group of 4 very good friends and a few other good friends, all is now good.

being in a large group of friends isnt all it’s cracked up to be, my other DC is and it is non stop infighting and jostling and often parents get involved and said infighting and jostling continues. To the outsider it probably looks all lovely, fun, joyous and captivating.

Be glad they have a nice small and quality set of friends.

Thank you. Useful to read of others like my DS. I worry as it seems the other boys in his class are in little or big groups of friends. He’s on the outskirts a bit because he’s not close with many. I would say while DS isn’t a leader, he’s also not a follower so might be one of the reasons.