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Preteens

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12 year old disengaging

2 replies

Throwntothewolves · 05/02/2026 23:31

I'm looking for advice from those who have been through this 'stage'.

My 12 year old is refusing to participate in a sporting event in an activity that he is naturally very good at. He has competed in this activity a handful of times before with success, and seems to really enjoy it. He also does it for fun occasionally.
He loves competing in anything, has won medals in this activity and has been recognised by his school for it.
Initially he was keen to sign up, but now he's saying he can't be bothered, only weeks after the last time he competed. The more I encourage him, the more he digs his heels in.
This is the same response as he has been giving a lot lately, particularly with school related activities. I'm a little worried that his choices are being influenced by his friendship group; particularly as none of them participate in this activity. I don't think this is the sole reason though.

What am I missing, and what can I do to make him see the benefit to him, not just in this?
Please don't say respect his choices. This is also the way he reacts when I ask about school work. I cannot allow him to actively choose to disengage with some things. This activity seems like something that would be easier to try to get him to do than a subject he doesn't enjoy. If I can successfully convince him of the benefits to him, maybe I could help him see the benefit of the other less fun things, such as school work.

OP posts:
user1492757084 · 06/02/2026 05:08

Invite a couple of his friends from that hobby over for lunch or to the beach for a picnic.
Be proactive in helping him socialise with a large range of boys and girls.

CharlotteSometimeslikesanafternoonnap · 06/02/2026 05:21

"Please don't say respect his choices"...
You are going to have a rocky road ahead if that's your stance OP. A better mantra may be "Pick your battles".
A couple of things stand out: he does it for fun occasionally - does that mean it's not fun normally? Just because he's good at the sport, doesn't mean he loves it, especially if it's taking time away from the PS5/going out with mates.
He's like it when you discuss school at the moment - he may be unhappy/struggling/having friendship issues, or he may just be entering the Kevin stage. (If you haven't seen Harry Enfield as Kevin turning 13, watch it).
Conversation at this age is always best done side by side than face to face. Go for a drive with car sweets and music (his choice not yours) and just chat. Maybe the sport is embarrassing, he hates the way he looks in the outfit (is it swimming?), he's finding it boring... Don't go hard-line, it's a non pro level sport, not worth fighting over.

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