10y DD friendship problems

[Mumwithdogs]

Hi , long post so please bare with me. My DD year 5 is going through hard time at school and for some reason I really struggle to cope with it mentally.
She had one best friend since Reception and generally they would play together all the time - sometimes with other kids/groups joining in. Her best friend occasionally would stop playing with her and pay attention to another kid but never for longer than week or two. My DD would be sad but always found someone else to play with and eventually everything would go back to normal. Unfortunately this changed at the end of last year when her best friend just swapped to another girl (Easter time till the end of the year which is pretty long time). My DD was devastated - it was very sudden, no fall out , just one day she was not a number one choice. I think there is a level of my DD just focusing on one person which can be pretty intense. But on other hand she is very loyal so this felt like real betrayal and she did not understand what she did wrong to loose the friendship.In September her best friend again showered her with attention, always first choice , all back to normal. Until mid December when literally one day everything changed and her bestie swapped again to the other girl and now ignores my DD. My DD is totally confused, sad, angry and trying to cope with it but I can see it really affects her mentally because she does not understand what ,if anything, she done wrong and why her bestie just ditched her. Its got to the point when her not so long time ago best friend is on purpose not choosing her in the team , or PE etc - so not bullying behaviour but lots of subtle exclusion. DD found other kids to play with but more or less everyone has best friends already so she will struggle to form one. What I really hate is that I am really affected emotionally about this situation. Generally I am mentally strong but this is affecting my mood, have panic attacks and generally feeling extremely low and anxious. And I cannot put finger why so I cannot help myself, and what is more important my DD. I try to pretend and be strong for her but when she is gone I collapse with anxiety about this. So my question is - how can I help her to navigate this?ignore the girl, have one to one talk , leave it be ? - how can I help myself, I cannot live my life like this , I need to somehow let it go - any coping mechanisms? - if any of you lovely ladies have some feel good story about your DD struggles with friends and then eventually finding one in high school etc I would be eternally grateful 🥲

my emotional reaction to my DD’s friendship issues is very similar to yours so I really do empathise. In your shoes I’d talk to the school and ask them to find a really kind couple of girls and ask them to be playground buddies with your DD. Her friend isn’t handing this well but she is allowed to make new friends and pull back from your DD of course. But school should help facilitate new friendships or come up with plans to ease the situation.

Year 5 is tough. We have got a ‘Happy Self’ journal where we write the best 3 things that happened in the day and this is helping us spot who she enjoys being around and focus on positives as well as the hard, hurtful stuff that goes on.

We’ve also talked to school and got some support with some clubs that mean there is some respite from the playground.

It makes me really emotional too, but the journal has helped that a bit as I’m also seeing some of the positives and feeling a bit more like we are moving through this.

Thank you both. She has other girls to play with - generally it is nice class of kids so I don't think she is ever lonely. But I think she really wants that one best friend and for long time she thought she had it. Now, unfortunately she realises she doesn't and probably she will be unable to make new one until HS as most girls are already in BFF kind of friendships. She came to me yesterday and said that she feels like she doesn't belong and do not understand why she is not a first choice friend for anyone 😭 I will explore the journal option - sounds quite nice 🥲

My daughter is now in secondary but had similar. She was in a group of 3 and was excluded a number of times- sometimes for a number of months.

It got to a point where she suddenly developed some self esteem and realised that they didn’t deserve to be friends with her if they treated her so bad. She played with other people. Friendships do change in year 5/6 so I wouldn’t worry about established ‘best friends’.

She’s now good friends with one of the girls again who apologised to her after they left primary. The other one is still a game player and my daughter stays away as drama follows her around.

Have you considered having some therepy sessions for yourself to process why you have such a gutteral response to this? If you process this, you will be able to help her more.
Friendship bust ups are really common at this age. If you can encourage her to join a club or activity outside of school then at least she will have a second set of friend which will be good now, and if anything does go wrong when she gets to secondary school. Maybe guides, scouts or a sport or craft club?