12 year old awful behaviour

[MrsTormund]

DS 12 is prone to awful rages when he doesn’t get his own way. The rest of the time he is well behaved and there have never been any problems at school. But the outbursts are getting worse, with him taunting me and DH and being verbally abusive. He can’t calm down when he’s in this mood, and sometimes he goes completely out of control and is violent towards us. We do our best to stay calm but it’s really hard and we both end up losing our temper with him. Once he’s eventually calm, he refuses talk about it and shuts down any conversation. We give sanctions each time it happens, such as removal of devices. But am at my wits end. Any advice would be appreciated.

Have you identified any triggers or just generally when he doesn’t get his own way? Could be hormonal but you still need solutions.
He needs to work on emotional regulation it’s ok to be angry but he needs to know how to deal with that and hitting out at his parents isn’t the answer.
It’s good that you recognise that he needs to be calm to talk about this. Sometimes after a full on rage a young person can’t even remember what they said or did.

You could set out some rules and expectations for behaviour. Agree them together. Tell him how it makes you feel when he shouts and hurts you. I’m guessing he doesn’t feel great either.

If he can look at recognising when he’s getting angry you can give him some strategies to manage it. He can take deep breaths and learn calm breathing, count to ten in his head before saying or doing anything, arms by his sides and open and close fists. You could encourage him to take himself to his room to a calm area or get a punch bag in his room or the garage that he can take his anger out on.

Look at some positive rewards for following the rules or dealing with his anger more appropriately. Look at 5 Point Scale resources. You might find themed ones online like Simpsons or Dr Who.

Thanks for the advice, really helpful.