DD12 making all the wrong choices & I'm struggling

[frozenpenguinera]

Bit of quick background. DD12 has ALWAYS struggled at school. Bad behaviour started several years ago both at school and at home. She's on the waiting list for an ASD assessment. She has an EHCP. She started secondary only a few months ago and is already truanting lessons, she's part-time timetable and not leaving school when asked so she can wait to catch the bus home with her new, older friends. She's rude to teachers and does whatever she wants basically. She has had so many detentions and days in isolation at school and none of these phase her, she doesn't care. She sees herself as never doing any wrong and everyone else is the problem. At home she refuses to get dressed, refuses personal hygiene, refuses to keep her room tidy, refuses to hand her devices back once she's reached her daily limit, eats all day long and then refuses her dinner, the list goes on...
She is so endlessly defiant. She's my oldest of 4 children so I feel like I'm drowning. She's setting such a bad example that they are mostly following. She acts like she is way older than she is and wants to make all the decisions for herself but they aren't appropriate for her age.
Tia for any help

What support is in the EHCP? Is it being provided? Has an early review been requested?

Why is DD on a part-time timetable and how long has she been on it? Is alternative provision in place? What do you mean by when she’s asked to leave?

Try PDA Society PANDA approaches. Get a copy of 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child (Bernstein).

She needs support with regulating emotions, help with her sensory needs and help forming and maintaining friendships mainly.

Both school and I have chased up her referral for assessment but they say there is nothing they can do to speed it up. They just mentioned there are other children in greater need, i.e those in care, etc.

She was on a part-time timetable in primary as they felt that's how she coped best at school and so secondary carried this on. It has been increased twice very slightly since starting at secondary. Some days staff have to go out of their way to find her and escort her to lessons or to where she's meant to be because she goes off on her own and doesn't tell anybody.

Yes she is in a provision but is being gradually reintegrated back into normal lessons however this is when issues began. She has been going to her friend's lessons instead of her own, etc.

When I say when she's asked to leave, I mean when her timetable for the day has finished and she's due to go home. She tries to stay on site, go to where her friends are and not follow instructions. I have to talk her into getting her own bus home on the phone.

Don't want to say too much and give away our whole lives haha

I've never heard of these so this is very useful. Thank you

Take her phone away for a start.

She is also renown for choosing to engage in the wrong friendships, so for example, with those that aren't following school rules and are choosing to make negative choices themselves. Which I find really challenging and worrying

I have done. She only uses it when she goes to school so I am able to contact her. When she returns home, I take it away. School is quite far away from us so she can't just walk

You urgently need an early review of the EHCP.

She needs support with regulating emotions, help with her sensory needs and help forming and maintaining friendships mainly.

These can all be included in the EHCP. Are they? And are they being delivered? What other support is in the EHCP?

Yes she is in a provision but is being gradually reintegrated back into normal lessons however this is when issues began.

Is this a provision (ARP, unit, base, whatever they are called where you are or even not a formal additional provision unit within mainstream but just in the SEN base/unit) within the mainstream school? Or is it actual alternative provision?

DD is entitled to a suitable full-time education. She isn’t receiving this if she is on a part-time timetable with no alternative provision on top.

Please don’t.

chances are this child will start to go missing with older friends. Phones are often the best or only way for the child to be located.

it will also mean the child is more likely to procure a second phone from her older friends. Or even form relationships with older men in return for phones etc.

get them a child account. Mine has an iPhone which is connected to my apple account. I can remotely control apps, downloads, screen time, shut down the phone etc. it needs my consent for any new apps, and I can restrict use of any particular app. To change any permissions or remove my control requires a passcode, so very difficult to bypass.

phones can be a valuable tool if a child starts to put themselves at risk. Best to have a known device with them that you have oversight of than have them get a second phone they can access god knows what on, and you have no idea it even exists.

Yes these are the reasons DD has a phone for her commutes to and from school. She has an android that I control from my phone via Family Link. Which she isn't happy about but I wish she will one day understand that I am just trying to keep her safe

Sounds like PDA autism.
my son has it and we have had to devise plenty of workarounds and negotiations to achieve the basics of washing, teeth, dressing etc. if it’s pda it’s not that she ‘won’t’ it’s that she can’t due to funding demands overwhelming.

Wouldn’t she be better off full time if she is trying to stay anyway? It seems as though that would remove one area of conflict. I guess she feels stigmatised by it when trying to make new friends

Yes Dad and I have requested that she goes full time. I think things are a bit up in the air due to her decline in co-operation with original plans at school. She already isn't complying with rules and instructions

I totally understand her feeling that way. I just remind her making good and positive choices will really help her in the long run

I hadn't heard of this before either, so thank you for bringing it to my attention. I'm going to look further into this and see if I can find any helpful resources. Thank you 😊 all the best to your son

The EHCP has not long been implemented for her to be honest. I think we will have to wait a few more weeks to really see the results of it. The EHCP is very long but during the times I've read through it, I feel they are offering DD the support she needs.

The provision DD is in is within the SEN department of a mainstream school.

Dad and I have asked that she goes full time and are waiting to hear back from school about the discussions they have had regarding this. I feel school are very supportive and do their absolute best.

You don’t need to request that DD attend full time. Just inform them she will be attending full time if you want her to attend full time. Unless the school is formally suspending DD, she can attend full time. Don’t worry if they do suspend. A formal suspension rather than an unlawful informal exclusion it will a) provide you with evidence of unmet needs to pursue more support, b) force the school to follow due process, c) limit the number of days the school can suspend for, d) allow you to challenge any suspension, and e) ensure DD receives alternative provision once she has reached that threshold.

Part-time timetables should not be used to manage behaviour. That is explicit on the government’s suspension and permanent exclusion guidance.

The PDA Society is a good starting point for PDA. Some find the Declarative Language Handbook helpful.

By that I mean DD has only just been granted her EHCP

Has your dd been assessed by a child psychologist? They are the professionals who will diagnose and help with strategies.
What private options are nearby?
Sorry at this point I’d not be waiting a minute longer expecting “school” to sort this.

Ok, thank you for telling me this. I believe they won't suspend her as she has an EHCP in place so that's reassuring (I might be wrong on this, though)

You need to look at what provision is in F of the EHCP. For example, what therapies are in there e.g. OT (including SIOT), SALT, MH therapies? What support is there for emotional regulation and social communication and interaction?

Look carefully at F for vague and woolly wording such as “access to”, “would benefit from”, “regular”, “up to”, “or equivalent”, “opportunities for”, “as appropriate”, “would be useful/helpful”, “such as”, “e.g.”, “etc.”, “as required”, “as advised”, “key adult(s)”, “small group”. Provision must be detailed, specified and quantified, otherwise the EHCP isn’t worth the paper it is written on and cannot be enforced. If you find wording like this you should appeal.

If DD is to remain on a part-time timetable, a) alternative provision needs to be in place. This should have been in place long before now, and b) you need to appeal the EHCP.

Is the current placement, the placement you wanted naming in the EHCP?

DC with EHCPs can still sometimes be suspended.

Yes she has been seen by an educational psychologist but not somebody who was able to diagnose her. That's why I've turned to Mumsnet, I feel so lost not knowing what else to do, really. I have also gone down the NHS Right to Choose path, and selected an assessment provider with a shorter waiting time but not heard a thing from them directly yet. It's been around 9/10 weeks since I submitted a form to them