Understanding you’re attracted to the same sex.

[LondonLady1980]

For a long time I have suspected my son may be drawn to boys as opposed to girls, and tonight I think he made the first steps of opening up to me that he feels some kind of attraction to boys, almost like he was testing the waters as to how I would react.

He’s 11.5 years old and I think that’s an age where children are aware of the feelings they have towards one sex or another, in terms of attraction or knowing they feel ‘something’ about one sex that they don’t feel about the other, even if they don’t fully understand what it is that they feel.

I remember having boyfriends from as young as 9/10 and feeling drawn to boys and being giggly around them and wanting to hug them and hold their hands and kiss them (lip pecks obviously) etc etc and I completely understood the concept of boyfriends and girlfriends, and what it felt like to “fancy” someone, and that I felt differently about some boys than did about other boys, and that the way I felt about boys was completely different to how I felt about girls etc etc.

My friend however says that my son is far too young to have any concept of that and wouldn’t have a clue about what it means to be gay or understand same sex attraction.

Yet during the same conversation she’ll be talking about her own son and his group of friends (who are in the same year group as my son), and how they’re always going on about girls and texting girls, and talking about who is going out with who, and how they spend hours on the phone to their girlfriends etc etc

But what’s the difference between one boy knowing he’s attracted to girls and another boy knowing he’s attracted to boys? Why is one boy considered to be ‘normal’ yet the other boy is dismissed and deemed to be ‘confused’ (or whatever she considers my son to be).

I was just after thoughts from other parents who have perhaps been in similar situations.

Thank you.

There's no difference, your friend is just homophobic. My DD knew she was bi at 12.

100 percent you can absolutely know at 11 yes.

Thank you.

She then started telling me that I was misinterpreting what my son was saying to me because my opinion was skewed because I’d always had my suspicions, but it wasn’t that at all. I’m extremely close to my son, we are very open with each other and we talk about everything, and I knew what he was trying tell me (or at least taking the first steps toward telling me), so for her to just rubbish it has really annoyed me.

We’ve been friend for over 30 years, we grew up together, we are so close, and so for her to suddenly rubbish what I was confiding in her about has just left
me feeling a bit shaken. I generally thought I could talk it out with her (as obviously it’s had an impact on me) and her reaction just wasn’t what I expected.

But even aside from that, I’m baffled that she thinks children aged 11.5 years cant recognise that they’re attracted to one sex or the other….unless it is heterosexual attraction of course (according to her).

At least I know never to turn to her again for support.

Of course you can know at 11. I remember fancying male pop stars at younger than that - more like 8/9.

I wouldn’t be surprised if my 7yo son is gay - I just have a feeling - of course I could be wrong but time will tell.

Im sorry your friend was unsupportive- it sounds like she thinks your DS being gay is a bad thing/that you would think it a bad thing.

There’s a difference between knowing you’re attracted to one sex or the other at 11, and also bearing in mind that this can also change (bisexuality exists too, and many people’s sexuality is more fluid than just “born straight” or “born gay”!) So yes, children can and do know; but they equally are not necessarily going to stay feeling that way, either! For every gay person who knew their sexuality at 11 you’ll find another who really didn’t, and who didn’t really realise until later in life, or found they were bisexual — and so on. Just like having crushes on the opposite sex at 11 doesn’t mean that you’ll never be attracted to the same sex during the rest of your life.

Star Wars came out in… <counts fingers> I knew WELL before 11 that I was Hansexual. And I know there is a lovely lesbian on here around the same age who confirmed that similarly, she knew when she saw Leia.

If I didn’t remember it was Star Wars, I wouldn’t remember exactly when. And maybe I would believe I was older. But people seem to think being straight is installed and being gay magically turns up at 18. Utterly weird and homophobic.

Recently my dgd (11.5)had a school questioner on mental health/sexuality/ wellness.
My dd and I felt that at 11 she most likely would misinterpret same sex friendship with attraction and not be aware of sexual desire.

Is that specific to your DHD, i.e how you perceive her level of emotional/social intelligence to be, as opposed to a generic opinion of all 11 year olds?

For example, when I was that age (and probably younger), I remember having crushes on boys, following them around at playtime, drawing hearts on my school work with their initials in, wanting to get them valentines cards, giggling if they spoke to me, my face lighting up when I saw them, getting excited if they stood next to me in class etc it was absolutely no way comparable to having a friendship with other girl.

It was never about sexual desire as I was 11, but I still 100% knew the difference between what it was to have a friend, and what it was to have a crush on someone.

Friendship and attraction are two completely different scenarios, involving very different emotions and completely different ways of feelings towards someone and ways of wanting to interact with them.

Surely everyone understands that difference at the age of 11?

I think it probably depends on the child. Some kids don't really get the difference between platonic love, lust and romantic love at that age and others do.

@LondonLady1980 Yes, DD and I were discussing this in relation to one particular child but equally based on our own views of sexuality and physical desire which in our case did not develop till later.
I’m not convinced most 11-12 yr olds understand the nuance of same sex friendships vs same sex “physical” attraction.

I really don’t think this is true of “most” 11-12 year olds. Most 11-12 year old girls will have started puberty.

I knew when I was 4 which of the cartoon characters in Disney films I wanted to be and which ones I wanted to “marry” long before I understood about sex. My brother is gay and he said he knew when he wanted to be Robin so he could hang out with Batman in his tight suit all day…which was when we were young primary age.

I associated with the female characters but that’s not same sex attraction for the purpose of adult relationships.

I remember having crushes on boys from as young as 8 or so, so yes, of course an 11 year old will know whether or not they like boys or girls, or both

It’s because your friend is homophobic and has some strange ideas like homosexuality is chosen at an older age rather than just being the way that you are.

Lots of adults have thought that they’ve known their sexuality but met someone that changes their preconceptions of themselves. That’s the journey of life and getting to know yourself. If you listen to people’s stories then some people have always known and others discover it later. Both are legitimate paths to happiness imo and I believe the people who said that they’ve always known rather than realised it later.