DD11 struggling to hold down friendships

[WeLoveGlitter]

Looking for a bit of advice and reassurance. My DD has struggled with maintaining friendships since around Year 5. She makes friends easily at first, but they never seem to last.

Year 7 started well, but now most of the girls have paired off or settled into their little groups, and she’s found herself on the outside again. She’s very sociable and just wants a couple of friends she can call, go out with, meet up at weekends, just normal stuff.

She rang me from the toilets today in tears saying, “No one wants to be my friend.” I’m absolutely heartbroken for her. I told her secondary school would be a fresh start, but it’s beginning to feel very similar to juniors. I just wish she can find someone on a similar wavelength as her.

She doesn’t have any SEN/ADHD issues, but I suppose she can be a bit on the younger side emotionally, which can sometimes irritate others. When she does find someone she can come on a bit strong, but it’s because she’s genuinely excited to have a friend and wants to make the most of it.

Has anyone else had similar with their DC? Did things improve? Any advice would be really appreciated.

I’m so sorry. This sounds so tough for you and your daughter. Could she be Autistic?
Are there any clubs she could access to try to widen her friendship group?

Does she do anything extra curricular? Are there not any year 7 lunchtime groups? My year 7 daughter does netball outside school and has made a nice friendship group within the team.

I would encourage extra curricular hobby to enable her to meet people who have a common interest be it a sport or activity. Re school I would contact her form tutor and explain that your daughter has been phoning from the loo crying ( unless its a school where phones are banned and she would be in trouble for having her phone out during the school day). It is still fairly early days and so plenty of time for her to chum up with someone .

She does a dance class after school one day a week and has made a friend there, but other than that class they don’t really interact. I’ve encouraged going to lunch time clubs and going to afterschool things but she’s not interested. I think it bothers me more than her sometimes.

she’s definitely not autistic, but like I mentioned can be quite intense sometimes. I’m hoping once this first term is out the way and groups settle down she’ll find her place.

It’s still very early days yet. I can guarantee that she is very unlikely to go through her entire time at secondary school without finding any close friends.

is there a year 7 residential planned this year? Or any afterschool sports teams? ( ie school teams )

My DD2 was always absolutely the loveliest child but was/is at 23 still quite immature in a good way. In year 7 girls seemed to always want to be seen as older but she was always happy doing 11 year old stuff. Friends from primary found new friends so she looked around for others who seemed to be alone on the fringe like her and formed her own "misfits" group. Her terminology not mine. She was happy after that, doing things in school and out of school invites to tea at ours, sleep overs, cinema etc. Could she instigate things like this? Admittedly as we live rural I spent years taxiing kids around.
She now has friends all over the country, hopefully your DD will soon find her group.

What makes you think "she's definitely not autistic"?

Autism looks very different in girls and women to the stereotypes you might have come across.

The difficulty with friendships (specifically in the form you mention) is a common trait for autistic girls. You mention she "can be intense" (also a common trait). I wonder what else you might see if you thought about it.

If you are unfamiliar with how autism presents in women I recommend you look up the "autistic girls network".

Otherwise, see the advice of pp.