12 year old is so nasty to us.

[Stardust127]

Hi all

please be kind 🙂

I’m 18 weeks pregnant and also have a 12 year old and a 1 year old. My eldest loves her brother and is excited about the new baby, so that’s not an issue.

her dad and I separated years ago and we have a very friendly co parenting relationship. We are both remarried and we all communicate often to support DD’s best interests. It’s as good as a blended family can get. She is well provided for financially and otherwise by us all and my DH and I take her out all the time and spend quality time with her. I take her out shopping just the two of us or whatever she wants often.

she cannot handle being told off. Or not getting her way. For simple things, that require a simple ‘okay, I’m sorry’ she explodes and is so, so nasty to us. She calls me ‘mate’ sarcastically when being told off and calls my husband dhead, c and often tells us to f* off.

Yesterday she was walking around with the 1 year old then just left him alone without telling either of us. We don’t expect her to look after him but at least tell us when she’s leaving if she’s playing with him in a different room. We told her off and she blew off the handle basically saying she doesn’t care he was alone and it’s not her problem that she left him. All I’ve asked is for her to tell us when they’ve finished playing. She pushed me out the way when I tried talking to her. As mentioned, I’m pregnant with a visible bump.

She has always been like this and lies and manipulates constantly unless in that very moments things are being bought for her or she’s being taken out. Her bio dad and I have 50/50 custody, for reference.

please help , I don’t know what to do any more

Look up an organisation called CAPA First Response and a book called The Explosive Child by Ross W Greene. Both very practical and incredibly helpful.

My 12 year old went through a stage of this, she would get so angry. However, now she has completely withdrawn, is quite anxious and depressed. Often refusing to go to school due to stomach pain and barely comes out her room. GP prescribed omeprazole this morning and I've tried speaking to someone at school.

I almost want the angry/shouty daughter back!!!

I realise that's not helpful to you at all, all you can really do is set boundaries. I used to approach mine when she was less angry (as no point fighting when she's up at 90). There are a lot of hormones flying about but she can't treat you badly.

Thanks so much, will look both of those up

It’s okay, it’s just nice to know we are not alone. I’m sorry to hear about your daughter now feeling anxious and withdrawn. I’ve spoken to her about emotions and hormonal rages etc and feel at times like I’ve really got through to her and then she lies and manipulates like this literally days later. She laughs at me when we set boundaries. She just does not care at all. We take away screen time, ground her, nothing will phase her at all, she just laughs.

It’s interesting that she just laughs at discipline.

Definitely look up CAPA First Response and The Explosive Child as previously suggested.

I would also suggest doing this simple progress checker and letting us know what the result is.

Also have a look at what helps with PDA. I’m not saying that she has PDA obviously but using some of these strategies might help to diffuse the situation

I get that you and exDH have a great set up but she’s probably not as ok with it as you think. Not saying this is the case - but in her eyes (maybe) you’ve got your nuclear family with the two kids and new DH, same for her dad, and she’s shuttled between the two with no real roots.

Bit late now but how did it reach the point where a 12 year old telling you to fuck off has happened?!

Combine with hormones, yikes.

Definitely echo what PPs are saying, but I would also consider counselling, but you need some strong boundaries now before she controls everything and a consistent approach across both houses.

Does she explode like this at her dads?