Help me with 9 year old DD

[LunchtimeNaps]

I have two DD, 11 and 9. Live with their dad, home life is good, no arguing, shouting, money worries etc. both work full time. I work from home so there's no childcare and someone is always around to take and collect from school. DD9 is a clever girl. Doesn't struggle at school but recently at home she's turned into a horror.

I suppose she pushing the boundaries. She pushes back when asked to get in the shower, read, do her homework, tidy her room etc. She will find a reason not to do anything we ask. Like pretend to hurt herself and when we tell her she needs to do these things we get shouted at, told she hates us, that other DD is the favourite, we must hate her, we don't care.

Sometimes it seems like she deliberately does something to get told off and then losses the plot. She's also known to sabotage things. For example we only have one bathroom. Often she will be using the toilet and when we ask her to hurry up as someone else needs to use the shower etc and go out she will stay in there for 40mins so we can't use it in time.

Oldest DD didn't do this so I'm kind of at a loss how to handle this and what to do. We don't treat them differently at all. The only difference is DD11 is compliant and does everything she is asked so it may seem we don't tell her off.

I'm sure this is just an age thing but is there any tips on how we should handle this? Sorry it's so long.

Is there anything else going on? How is school?

School is fine. We've spoken to the teacher and she's shocked to hear her behaviour is like this at home.

My 8 year old can be like this. I dont think its too much to be concerned about especially if they limit it to home and dont act like that in school or at friends houses.- but obviously its annoying for you. I think i was like this too at that age and grew out of it.

maybe a reward chart for good behaviour- but not expecting perfect behaviour- and she can get to do something nice with you provided the behaviour is good enough.

Thats assuming there’s nothing else going on, maybe among friends, that is making her unhappy.

I am in no way suggesting she has ASD or PDA but I do think it might be helpful to look up some strategies to help DC with PDA, simply because these can take the pressure out of a situation.

Also, she sounds a little insecure. I realised when my DD was a similar age that I was slightly drowning in a lot of my interactions with her.

I decided to make out I was really happy to see her, every time, and even if I didn’t feel that way. So huge smiles, taking time to talk to her, doing things with her that she enjoys and generally lovebombing her.

We are a few years down the line and it’s not been easy but we do have a good relationship now and she is finally at an age where she can compare to how her peers are parented and can appreciate some of the things we do.

Forgot to add that I found the book Untangled incredibly helpful.