9 year old thinks the worst of people!

[AnonymousMum37]

Hi,

My daughter is 9, and is very guarded and mistrustful of people. She is autistic and tends to be very black and white about things.

For example yesterday we were in a busy bookshop when she lost a book token she had for her birthday. She was adamant someone had stolen it, and was blaming various people in the shop (to me, but loud enough for others to hear). She became upset that I didn't 'believe her'.

Several people helped us look, and a staff member then found it had been handed in and was behind the counter.

I reassured her that this meant noone had stolen it and pointed out that kind people had helped us and handed it in.

I'm worried that she feels I dismiss her concerns, I want her to feel she can talk to me. I also think a level of guardedness is a positive thing, but I'm struggling to find a balance when talking to her about this, because she can be quick to place blame on others who have done nothing.

I'd appreciate any advice or experience!

Funnily enough my first thought when I read your title was whether she was autistic. Purely because my autistic ds is like this.

No idea why or how to change it but he assumes the worst of people all the time but yet is the kindest person you could meet and so supportive of everyone coming the best version of themselves.

I think it’s part of theory of mind. If he doesn’t know how something disappeared then you have to fill in the gaps and the only “obvious” solution is someone took it. He could argue black is white!

It's common at that age to look for someone to blame because they simultaneously think two things - someone must have done it, and it wasn't them. ND presumably has an impact in this thought process, but I don't know to what extent.

I think all you can do is keep modelling a balanced attitude. The truth is loss or theft were both possibilities, with loss more likely, I think it's ok to just be honest about the realities of life (in an age-appropriate way).

Sounds like my kids 😫

Update: I'm increasingly concerned about her lack of faith or trust in anyone.

We went to look around her brother's secondary school and she was offered some food (that she loves) by students showing us around, and she refused and told me it "might be poisoned". On Halloween we went trick or treating and she refused to eat anything not in a sealed packet. She is increasingly only eating things that come from a sealed packet when we are out and queried if they could poison a drink without opening it.