How to tell daughter about future plans?

[Confused46]

Hi
My self and my daughter's mum split just before she was seven, I moved and out and within a few weeks she had moved her boyfriend in, this was in my opinion way too soon but my ex is quite a difficult person and fundamentally there wasn't much I could do to stop her.
I fought extremely hard be a constant presence in my daughter's life, brought another property that was in a hell of a state, decorated her room, brought new furniture to provide a safe stable environment and within a few weeks had set up a home for her.

In time the co-parenting thing has settled and myself and ex rub along as best as we are ever going to, civil but not friendly, which is fine.

This was 4 yrs ago , a year and a half ago I met someone new, I waited a yr before introducing her to my daughter (who's 10 now) and have done it in little steps, not to much exposure, just bit by bit to make sure she's comfortable.
My new partner and I are now thinking about the future and moving in together.

My worry is this, when me and ex split my ex became very volatile, disappearing for days, verbally threatening and told me to take our daughter and leave , I shielded my daughter from all of this , told her mummy was away looking after grand parents etc etc and made excuses for her.

They have a good relationship now, and thankfully my daughter remembers very little of what happened, a secret I'll take to the grave . But I'm also conscious that she has seen me as a constant safe space, I've always come through, never broken a promise and made sure everything has been about looking after her to the very best of my ability.

How do I tell her about these potential plans, do I ask? Or tell? I don't want her to feel like she's loosing her dad or the life I've provided by moving in with someone new, am I over thinking this? Make it make sense!?

Tia

I’d have an honest chat with her, and say this is what you are thinking of doing and what does she think? And go from there.

There are two trains of thought on MN, either you keep your relationship separate until your dd is 18 and has her own life, or you make changes very slowly and gradually.

I chose to keep my relationships separate, not move anyone in. Given that ds was 3 when I split from his df, it has been a long haul.

Slowly and tentatively would be my advice. Your dd is approaching puberty and senior school. She has a lot to deal with already. Does your girlfriend have children?

Bluntly, I wouldn’t move in with someone.

She has but they are older and at university, it's exactly those reasons you've hi lighed that made me ask the question tbh, secondary school round the corner, her age, it's a bit of mine field

If her children are at uni, they will be home for long holidays etc so she then has to live with them. I would not move in - her home should be her safe space.

It sounds like you've done a great job of protecting your daughter and considering her needs.

I think I would continue to do this by continuing the softly softly approach here. As someone else asked, wouldn't your partners uni age children need a place to stay in the long holidays? To my mind that would be the biggest disruption for your daughter.

I would reassure her that she can be open and honest about how she feels, that she comes first for you, and be open to delaying the moving in process if she doesn't feel comfortable. It will only be a few years really in the grand scheme of things before she's off to uni herself.

Thank you, I've tried really hard to keep as much of the difficulties with her mother and I away from her to reduce impact.
There's a lot to consider and the point regarding holidays is a very valid one, I think perhaps this is something I need to put on hold for a while at least untill we get over the secondary school start, I'll review the situation then.
Thanks for your input. Appreciate it

You sound like a great dad.

Thank you, I really appreciate that comment 😊