Daughter worrying about having ‘fat belly’- how to navigate?

[aredcar]

DD is almost 10. She has recently mentioned that she ‘looks fat’ when she wears sporty tops that show a bit of tummy. Dd isn’t fat, she is on the 50th centile for bmi and is tall with slim legs. She doesn’t have a fat tummy at all but it’s soft and not flat if that makes sense. She says her friends have skinny bellies and hers is wobbly. I want to emphasise that I think she is perfect and I do not comment on weight with her ever but rather focus on healthiness and being strong. I don’t know how to navigate it. Some of her friends do have tiny flat bellies, dd doesn’t but I want her to be ok with the fact that all bodies come in all different shapes and sizes. I don’t want her to become hung up on it. I don’t know what to say when she asks me how to get a flat belly- at 9! If I say do exercise to get strong, I don’t want to encourage an obsession. She currently does football and netball. Other than that she’s not naturally active, she’d rather watch telly, read or play Lego. She probably doesn’t have much core strength. She eats healthily and has a varied diet. Any advice on how to navigate this much appreciated

I think what you are doing/ thinking is right. Remind her everyone has different bodies and keep emphasising, "Wow, isn't your body amazing/ strong...all the things it can do".
Also does she hear you being positive about your body in a similar way?
I would not not engage in the flabby belly talk - her body will change as she grows. But I think any talk about it will encourage focus on it. She is doing sports twice a week and eating well so that's great. Encourage her that those things are important.

Thank you for replying . I don’t really talk about my body. I have a similar body type to her really, I’m size 8-10 and I have slim legs but I carry weight on my belly. It doesn’t really bother me though because I never have it on show. She sees her friends in crop tops and shorts and wants to be the same but definitely does have more of a belly than they do which she’s noticed. What would you do when she mentions it? I don’t want to dismiss her worries but don’t want to overly focus either. Really didn’t anticipate this at age 9!

Has anyone said anything to her about her tummy do you think? Where is she getting these ideas of a flat tummy being superior? I mean, she's 9. It could be other kids or is she seeing things on SM- which you may want to curtail

Help her become happy in her body , keep emphasising that everyone is different and has different bodies. Also worth a chat about puberty and her body changing.

Focus on health and being strong rather than just body image

I don’t know, she hasn’t mentioned anything but I do wonder if someone has said something. She doesn’t have social media. She has an iPad but just uses it for YouTube kids and Roblox which I monitor.

You aren't dismissing her but you are reframing her question to think about what is most important about her body.
We know her body could look different in a year , we don't know how but it could.

It’s saddening to think that every generation of young women seems to face their own version of society’s unattainable beauty standards...

Social media trends and especially those by younger influencers definitely seem to have a massive impact on how our girls today. One example I remember from a while back was the “chubby filter” trend: https://weareluna.app/parents/guides/body-image-and-positivity/tiktok-chubby-filter-trend/

You're doing a great job by promoting health and other meaningful values to your DD. I’d suggest keeping those open, non-judgmental conversations going! just hearing how she feels and gently asking why she thinks those things can help her process them and feel supported.

Subtle reminders of how beautiful she is, and how beautiful YOU are, can go a long way too. Modelling that mindset can really help build her confidence and give her something to carry with her as she grows.

Best of luck!! x

I heard my 19 year old explain to a younger girl that it’s important to have a bit of padding there to protect your uterus as it’s really important

It’s so hard, isn’t it? We’ve had a very similar situation with our DD, and it really hit me how young they are to be thinking about things like this already.

One thing I’ve noticed is that sometimes girls, especially tweens and teens, just can’t hear it from us, even though we’re saying all the right things. In their eyes, of course Mum thinks they’re beautiful. We’re "meant to" say that! Sometimes they really need that reassurance from a neutral third party to help what we say sink in.

We found the Luna app really helpful, it was recommended by her doctor actually. It’s designed for girls growing up and covers topics like body image, periods, friendships, and healthy living. It’s all created with experts and promotes strength and self-care rather than anything to do with dieting or looking a certain way. It gave DD that external voice echoing what we were saying at home.

You’re doing all the right things by focusing on health and strength, it's not about being skinny.

Thanks all

@pinkmamalama that’s exactly it with mine too- my opinion isn’t as important because I’m meant to say good things to her so it doesn’t count! I will look into the app- thank you

Totally agree about them needing to hear it from someone other than us sometimes – great advice. And thank you for the luna app recommendation, I’ll definitely check it out!x

The other thing you could raise is that companies out there do their best to make children feel fat so that they will feel the impulse to buy things to 'improve' themselves.

I heard the other day that the algorithms can tell by patterns in attention span (or who knows what) when people are feeling sad. Some ads are primed to appear when we are feeling sad to make us buy shit that we think will make us feel better.

And this is particularly the case for vulnerable teenage girls, who if they can get them to feel really bad really young, will be massive consumers of stuff to 'fix themselves' for life.

It's so grim and so cynical but these are genuine discussions around boardrooms so time to understand what capitalism is doing to her, and to all of us!

You're welcome! I hope she loves it as much as my daughter does - let us know how it goes x