Hi,
my 12 year old is in year 8 ( she’s young in the year) and acts completely helpless.
every school day she has to be woken up, at least twice. she has an alarm. She goes to bed at a reasonable time with no phone or tv.
she has to reminded (in her eyes nagged) to brush her teeth and hair, to eat and drink something before school, put on socks, collect her packed lunch ( which is made for her) put her homework in her bag ( which we have to remind her to do and have to supervise her doing) and leave on time.
She complains she has to cycle to school - but she only has to do this twice a week. it’s less than 2 miles on a cycle path. The rest of the time she has lifts.
she does nothing productive unless she is constantly reminded and encouraged.
she does no chores and does nothing around the house. I ask her to keep her room tidy- but this never lasts more than a day. I asked her the other day to change her bed sheets as she’d bled on them- she said “yeah yeah” like it was a big ask. I offered to help her, she said “no, I’ll do it”. She still hasn’t done it. I asked her to do it as she doesn’t like people going in her room.
Basic daily tasks require direct instructions each time- and then it is a battle- for example, lock the back gate after you leave, put your bike back in the shed so it doesn’t get rusty/ stolen, take any un eaten food out of your bag, take mugs downstairs, etc. she just won’t. When asked repeatedly there’s eye rolling, stomping and attitude.
she was keen to go to guides. I signed her up. Have taken her every week. The other week I had flu and took a nap. She knew about guides and it’s only 100 m down the road.she didn’t bother to go.
am I being unreasonable to expect that a 12 year old in year 8 should be able to manage some tasks independently?
I have experimented with just letting her get on with stuff and not constantly reminding her- but then she doesn’t shower and starts to smell, she doesn’t do home work and gets detention, she doesn’t eat breakfast, she doesn’t get up until it’s to late to get to school on time.
I am not willing to let her be unhygienic and unhealthy or have her school work suffer so I continue with the reminding and cajoling.
we’ve had calm chats where I discuss my basic expectations. We discuss the consequences of not doing basic tasks- e.g. if you don’t do your home work and take it in you will get detentions. If you don’t take uneaten food out of your bag it will rot and smell. Etc. she’s a bright girl and understands- but won’t do it unprompted.
I got so frustrated with her today as I told her we are leaving in ten minutes. After ten minutes had passed she was still sitting in her room, bag not packed, hair not brushed, socks not on. I asked her why no socks? Said “haven’t got any” I said I told her last night to lay out her clothes. We could have sorted her socks then. Asked why didn’t she lay out her clothes “don’t know”.
she’s my oldest and I just don’t know what to do. Is this normal for a 12 year old?
She’s neurotypical. She enjoys school- so I don’t think it’s a school avoidance tactic.
Should I just let her face consequences? What if she still just doesn’t care?
What should I do? I don’t think my expectations are outrageous- but maybe they are?
Do you have to monitor and check every task for a 12 yo? My 10 year old manages so much better- but obviously I never say this to her/ anyone or compare them…but I’ve noticed.
i work full time in a school (not hers). Her dad works full time too. I have two other kids (younger), run a small business, have a elderly widowed mother I try to support as much as possible and I’m drowning here.
what should I do?
sorry this was long.