Where have they all gone?!

[TuesdaysChildIsBloodyDifficult]

A little bit of background.....
I have a very nearly 12 year old step daughter, who has some... issues around personal hygiene. She is very greasy haired, quite spotty, we are having some issues with BO, and I'm still throwing out soiled pants on a weekly basis....
I have quite frequent gentle chats with her, and with some success, we've had a skin care "lesson" this morning, but when she goes back to her mums, it all goes to bits. Relationships are hostile to say the least and even when it's concerning DSD's welfare, mum can't find a way to be civil, so me and her dad need to help DSD take ownership of these things.

My question is.... WHERE HAVE ALL THE PRE TEEN GIRLY MAGAZINES GONE?

I'm a Mid Eighties Baby here, so pre teen in the 90s.
And I learned all my baby steps about skin care, hair styling, make up etc from Mizz and J17, but I just can't seem to find anything for her!

She's got age appropriate YouTube, but you can only take a horse to water.... and she's not having TikTok.

Please help!

I do think probably the modern equivalent is TikTok/Instagram.

Dd14 became obsessed with skincare and body sprays etc last year through tiktok. Sorry I know you don't want her to have it. I was the same but eventually admitted defeat.

She now has hundreds of pounds worth of skin and beauty products and takes forever to get ready with all her products and heatless curls.

The soiled pants is not normal, potentially constipation and one of her parents should take her to a doctor about it especially at 12. Do not ignore this as it won’t go away on its own.

My 12 year old is similar hygiene wise. Takes a lot of nagging to get her into a shower. Getting her to wash her hair is always a fight. She needs to be reminded about washing her face every night. I think it is normal at this age for some, it’s a shame her mother won’t insist on it as well. Maybe agree the days of a week she has a shower.

Thank you.

The knickers have been going on for a long time.... she's admitted that she doesn't wipe properly, because shes "always in a hurry" and she'll wear the same knickers for days and put clean ones in the wash.
I've done my best to remove the stigma from any period stains, by explaining we all get caught out, and I've given her a "tip" for getting blood out of fabric... saying it can be used if she cuts herself or someone has a nosebleed. (She's since told me that she's soaked a pair of pants and wrung them out and was so thrilled she'd "fixed" it herself)

It's not that I don't want to do these life lesson bits with her, and I'm not saying that I don't see the privilege in being the one to do it, but it shouldn't be me, when she has a mum.

I was hoping there was still something in print that I could send her back to her mums with!

There are also books about teen skincare; my daughter had some on her kindle I’m sure at one point. Have a look on Amazon?

There's a Caroline Hirons book on teen skincare coming out soon which might be a good start?

You can also buy a gel that goes onto toilet paper to make bum wiping quicker/more effective. Maybe get her some of that to have at both houses?

I think it's called Wype

The Care and Keeping of You is a good book. I think they do an older one and a younger one.

There are lots of good books aimed at tweens/early teens - thst focus on self esteem, body image, friendships, hygiene etc
One that springs to mind is "a tween girls guide..." Series

The modern equivalent is social media but many influencers are paid to push certain brands which can be costly if she takes a shine to an influencer who uses expensive products.

That’s a real worry if she isn’t wiping. Is the soiling bad? It could cause a nasty infection. Sorry to be TMI but even not wiping after a healthy bowel movement should only leave a few skids. Some come be coming out wihout her realising. I still think a trip to the doctor could work there. At the very least they could repeat the importance of clean underwear every day. It is exactly the kind of thing her mother should be dealing with.

i bought my girl this book. https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1915833515/ref=sspa_mw_detail_0?ie=UTF8&psc=1&sp_csd=d2lkZ2V0TmFtZT1zcF9waG9uZV9kZXRhaWwp13NParams

it has stuff about washing in it.

Oh gosh, I feel quite sorry for her.

I have a 13 yr old (boy) who is quite forgetful and always in a hurry but I remind him to have a bath every night and remind him to get clean pants out to put on after his bath, and he's now in the habit of getting clean pants from his cupboard every morning when he gets dressed. It took a while for him to develop that habit but he's got there!

If your DSD often goes days without changing pants that needs to be addressed. That is a parental failing. She needs help and reminders. You need to be making sure she has clean pants at least daily, but preferably that she also has clean underwear each night. It's important she maintains hygiene.

Sounds like she needs a bit of careful and kind daily parenting to help her get into healthy and hygienic habits.

I'm sorry her own mum isn't stepping up (possibly) but she needs support to get into clean healthy habits now. You need to insist on daily showers, cleaning hair etc..

She will benefit in the long run from careful kind but firm parenting now to adopt these habits.

@MJSavesTheDay

We have the same routine every morning.
Have you cleaned your teeth? Yes
Have you got deodorant on? Yes
Clean undies? Yep
Clean school shirt? Yes

Other than remind her, to the point at which I think she's immune, I'm at a loss.
I look in the washing basket and see knickers, what am I supposed to do? She gets defensive when I ask why she's putting clean pants in the wash.

She happily showers everyday, and I top her shower gel and shampoo up regularly (I bought pump dispensers as I thought that might make life easier, heavy bottles fiddly lids etc) she changes into Clean pajamas every other day, so I'm just at a loss at what else to do. I found a pair the other day that weren't soiled with poo, but they were clearly, very worn.
I can't fathom that she's putting dirty pants back on?

She responds better to me about this stuff than her dad (he's tried, really sensitively, but she got really defensive and angry) but I've been trying for quite literally years and I don't know what else to try. 😩

Could you pick a nice basket for her clean new undies together and pick a laundry basket together? It might offer a bit of gentle encouragement. Also we put on clean undies everyday so we don’t get an infection that could make you sick messaging.

I still wash my DD12’s hair over the bath with a shower. She just can’t seem to get all the suds out and that leaves her hair greasy looking. Would she let you do that once a week?

For her skin a gentle face wash, a salicylic acid spot treatment and a gentle moisturiser will clear up her skin.

The poor child. It sounds like her mum is being a bit neglectful to be honest.