End of my tether with preteen DD 11yo

[OKNerd]

She’s so rude. And miserable, and combative. Everything is an attack, and she’s SO personal. I’m hiding away in tears because of her. I just got her a Go Henry account and went to show her how to use it. She sulked because I said the money for doing chores would be ticked every Saturday. She wanted it ticked today. I said no that’s not the rules. It escalated massively. I stayed calm but when someone is screaming and crying in your face and accusing you of being unkind, it’s really hard. This is all the time over everything. Nothing is nice or joyful with her. I think it goes beyond hormones too

My DH is so soft on her too.

I just want to leave TBH. I have my booking.com app up, I want to go to a hotel tonight and never come back. I’ve been looking at renting 1 bed flats. The only thing making me stay is my amazing gorgeous kind and respectful son.

Teenage girls are hard to parent because life is so hard for them. You don't know why she is insisting on her account money today. Maybe she will lose her social standing unless she does something today. It's hard to parent today's teens because their world is so different to what ours had been.

I wouldn't compare her to your son, ever. Not in public, not in private.

Can you look for some private counselling for her? Something is bothering her and sometimes it's easier to talk to a stranger

I hope it helps

Well done for remaining calm, OP. It's not easy, I know. The main issues are right there in your post: DH is so soft on her (you and DH need to be aligned) and you are not as tough as you could be with her (you are allowing her to scream and cry in your face and accuse you of being unkind, rather than leading her to another room to collect herself and walking away from her). Don't leave! She needs you, not least so she can work out how far she can go with you before you stop loving her.

Thanks both. I’ve calmed down a bit, and am drinking a large glass of Fanta (don’t laugh, it’s my vice, as someone with an alcoholic father drinking as away to cope can be a slippery slope).

I don’t think she had a reason for needing money today she’s just a bit grabby.

You are right about DH and me being a te. I’m furious he didn’t back me properly.

Have had a chat and she is going to do better, I’ve said I will as well. But I feel like it will just all happen again tomorrow after school about something else.

I think private counselling is a good idea. I don’t know where else to go with her. I can feel our bond breaking and it’s killing me.

Could be stuff going on at school? Is she year 6? My dd in y6 is going through it tbh. Lots of nastiness and just general drama at school. It’s a tough year

My DD is the same age and behaves the same way and I can assure you we aren’t soft parents.

Occasionally we both sit her down and talk through her behaviours and the consequences she is facing. It helps for a bit and then has to be repeated.

We do remove screens and impose chores.

I think, strong willed girls are tricky and consistency is the key.

She’s in year 7 and yes lots of Mean Girls type scenarios at school. I hate her friends. They’re nasty and bitchy and some are bullies. I don’t say this to her as it wouldn’t help, but I suspect she knows given that I never let them come round to our house. I try to guide her gently but the problem is when she’s at the receiving g end of their nastiness she hates them too and wants to rant and then next day she thinks they’re the best thing on earth. She also is much nicer to these awful girls than she is to me!

She’s also struggling with the school work, I’ve got her tutoring which does help but she’s very overwhelmed with being in secondary and feels she can’t keep up.

Sorry you’re going through this OP, are things any better today?

I feel like this with my DD and she is only 9!

So you’ve said she is struggling with school work and school friends - this is probs impacting her overall mood. Is she on social media or have a phone?

some things I found helpful to say to my DD is “I love you but your behaviour isn’t on and you’re hurting my feelings” and “don’t ever change to fit in, good friends will love you for who you are. They may take a while to find but it’s so worth it”.

Exactly the same here! She's in the other room and I'm crying. They're such fuckers. Solidarity!

it has been better th last 2 days. She has a phone which we restrict or off her at 7pm. We are soooooo strict and everyone else’s parents let their children glue their phones to their face 🙄 going to speak to her pastoral team to see if anything is happening in school that worries them that has an impact on her mood

Hope you’re ok how are things this morning?

Thanks for asking. I'm ok I guess. She's woken up and forgotten about it all

Oh yes mines been like that, swanning round like she never did anything wrong in her life. I’m just trying to enjoy the calm before it all kicks off again. God this is no life

@oknerdI sympathise , I really do. My life at the moment is mirroring yours with my 12 year old dd. The most perfectly behaved child at school and lovely to her friends but my god, she has terrorised our household since September. I think it is a mix of hormones, the huge impact that starting Secondary school and the fights/swearing, disruption she is now seeing (outstanding school!) and just trying to get some kind of control on that. She had private counselling for the last four months but that hasn’t worked so we are looking for family therapy next. Good luck. It’s not easy at all.