12 year old very challenging behavior

[Mache71]

From the age of 3 we’ve had some sensory issues, she is an amazing child l, so funny, popular Nd not without friends. Had lots of friends. However has shown adhd/asd ttaits but the friendships side always seemed good. Sensory issues, sleep issues, behavior problems not wanting to do what she is told, extreme, eating same food for months on end, then changing, very picky with good, has to be separated, has a need to be someone else when with different friends, yesterday she was out with her friend, 14 year old and calling me a dirty h* and being so rude I nearly cried on the phone, we got back late one night from holiday ajd my mum had been around to clean her room, and she was Bentham at midnight! We were all tired. Blocked my mum, and was totally angry! Her dad, tries but she so rude with him and he shouts more than me as he says what can we do? We have tried to put in for a ln assessment. We have 2 other kids on the sprectum, but they have never been so dorkculy with sensory issues or rude.

she was refusing to go to school, so the school said she can start at 10am. Great but now wants a lift and will not take a bus with no consideration to our working needs. Even her friends told her to stop calling me a dirty ho* it’s got so bad that I’m lot feeling great. I love her but don’t know what to do. When she goes out she is good at letting me know where she is, and isn’t always bad, but the utter nastiness at the way she was speaking to me on the ohone and in the car I just have no idea what we have done. The school say her behavior is rude at times too, depends which teacher I spoke to. She has so many detentions. She is a lever child, we had problems in primary with sensory and her smacking me so hard on the head once in the car. I told the OT as she we had trouble with her. Sadly couldn’t afford more sessions. GP just give her supplements as she was feeling tired a lot and had low supplements otherwise they aren’t helpful. I wish I had money for therapy to see how to help her. I wish I knew what to do?
inbetween all this she is great, and we have had some lovely times. She once called me from the bus saying it was too busy, kids were spraying stuff and she felt sick. I think she gets overwhelmed and starting secondary had been such a rollercoaster. Literally all my health issues started, I’m perimenopausal too and I’m going through the change too.

wherr can I start to get help?

thanks

I don’t understand a lot of your post (Bentham, dorkculy, a lever child ???) but there is nothing about any consequences for her rude behaviour in your post. It sounds like she may be neurodiverse and starting secondary is a common time for children that have managed so far to fall apart, so getting an assessment is a good start that’s no excuse for the disrespect. Have you spoken to the SENCO team at school?

Hello, I think you need to deal with one issue at a time. First issue i think is the name calling. Why is she doing that - is it to get a reaction? I think you need to try and take a step back and not let her get an emotional reaction from you. I woukd first try a questioning approach eg “really Dd?””Why are you calling me that ? “ but with no emotion, dont let her get the “reward “ of upsetting you.

If she continues then i would calmly explain that she cant speak to people like that and its mysogyny and talk to her calmly about what the words actually mean, ie sexual shaming of women. Then i would calmly give consequences, eg loss of her phone, grounding etc, but making clear that she needs to kearn more respectful ways of speaking to people, not making it personal or emotional.

Sorry for the typos! My tablet is horrendous for predictive texts that don’t make sense. I tried to edit, but it will not let me.

She is much worse in front of her friends. The consequences are difficult as no matter what I do, and she has always been like this, she goes into full blown meltdown, and has even gone for me. Her dad tries, but he gets the same. We’ve tried the phone, grounding and she just walks out. It’s really really difficult. The OT says we have to meet in the middle, and it sounds like she might have some PDA traits. My other half thinks we’ve been too soft, me specifically, but having seen some real questionable laid back and far more gentle parenting, the children do not behave like that. From a toddler age my daughter has been extremely challenging in many ways, yet other ways she is amazing, advanced, and can be so good, but I’ve never been able to work out the triggers, except possibly being with friends, coming back friends, school, any situation where it’s possible she has be masking? Being told what to do, sometimes it’s just one word we’ve said, the way we eat, what we are saying. Other times she fine.

Senco have given her a reduced. Timetable. She tells me she has a sensory room where she is taken if she needs it. Otherwise, they are not really good at keeping me in the loop. Not sure if it’s her school. Or a secondary school thing?

My 14 year old has ADHD diagnosed about a year ago. He has a written plan at school which we had input to and it’s reviewed twice a year and a specified person (a welfare/support person, not the SENCO) to liase with us. She checks in with him fairly frequently. His plan is mainly around keeping him in track in lessons, making sure we are informed of all his homework but it could include any reasonable adjustments your child needs.
He struggles a bit with friendships which is common in ND teens so that maybe where some of the rudeness is coming from for your daughter - trying too hard to be cool. He also had epic tantrums as a child (way beyond toddlerhood) though he is much better now. Look up rejection sensitive dysphoria and see if that explains anything.
He’s just all around much more difficult to parent than my older NT son - combination of immaturity in his part, frustration on ours, trying to decide which battles to pick and what to let slide.
Diagnosis, medication, the right support in school and consistent approach from both parents are all helping but it is hard!