DS destroys his own things when he is angry

[ADifferentSong]

DS has been like this since he was very young. He is now rising 12 and yesterday after a confrontation with his dad snipped the straps of his two watches and one of the wires connecting to his 3-D printer. He also upended a chair. For reference, he had asked for more screen time but his dad wanted him to do something else first. DS wanted screen time that very moment because he knew his friend would be online.

He’s always been very strong willed. When he was younger, he used to bang his head against the wall in frustration. This happened at school as well during his preschool and reception years and then it seemed to stop.

On the last occasion about two weeks ago, he took a school photo we had so proudly framed and turned it round the other way and put it back in the frame so that his face was to the wall.

I had hoped he would grow out of it. I know it is a result of some kind of frustration he’s experiencing and clearly when he is unhappy and feeling powerless to achieve what he wants. He won’t talk about what he’s done afterwards and in fact denies it even when it’s very obvious what he’s done.

He woke up unhappy and uncommunicative this morning, but he’s gone off to school now and I’m very sure he will get over it because he enjoys school so much. Until the next time when he will find another way to hurt himself.

I love him so much, and I just don’t know what to do. Has anyone else experienced anything similar?

Sorry you've had no answers to this one. I know he's not quite a teen but I think you might get more responses if you ask @MNHQ to move this over to the Teenage Section

Thanks, that’s a good suggestion. I will do this.

Hi OP, we're moving your thread to our Preteens topic.

My ds (who is autistic but high functioning) was like this.
We tended to try and ignore it and then never replace the broken things. We found that giving strict screen time lengths with clear rules really helped. If he was a complete dick (about screens) he would lose his screens for a pre agreed set time as part of the clear rules.

He then had a choice to follow rules or not. It was in his hands.

Should add he is now 19 and he has oy broken one thing in the last maybe 2 years.

Stop replacing any broken items and he might learn the consequences.

It sounds like he needs help otherwise he is going to become a very angry adult who has horrific outbursts.

Does he have a diagnosis OP as this doesn't sound like normal behaviour. The school photo story is very sad and I would wonder if he was suffering from very low self esteem and self hatred perhaps due to not being able to control his anger.

If he doesn't have a diagnosis at the moment does he show any other signs of ADHD or ASD. He's clearly really, really struggling with his emotions and definitely needs some professional help.

I wouldn’t replace the broken things.

Id be very clear about screen time. You are allowed x amount a day, no extensions ever. And stick to it.

No, he shows no signs of ASD or indeed of any other kind of neurodiversity. He is a bright all-rounder and also extremely sociable. But very strong willed and never does anything we ask straight away.

I think you’re right about the boundaries - he manages to negotiate on almost everything so that might be where we’re going wrong. I just wondered why he damages his own stuff rather than ours/general household things.

What happens when he damages his own things? Do you tend to replace them?

It could actually be a “good” thing. He’s frustrated and he wants to take it out on something, but he knows breaking other people’s stuff would be even worse than destroying his own stuff.

To be clear, I don’t think breaking anyone’s things is good, but he obviously cares enough not to take it out on other people.

My friends son similarly used to destroy stuff and she just stopped replacing it, and when he had calmed down, talked to him about why he did it and what he was feeling, and it eventually did the trick.

Honestly at 12 I would have thought that most kids have grown out of these type of tantrums . No advice really but would be militant on screen time limits and definitely wouldn’t replace his broken stuff. That sends a terrible message to him that there are no consequences to destroying things.