Our 12yr old really struggles in social situations around adult family and friends. She will attend a social event with adults they know well but will then struggle to speak to anyone and avoid all eye contact. It takes her ages to “warm up”. Until then she will look down, give one word answers and only give eye contact to a parent, appear noticably/sad/withdrawn, say they have stomach ache etc. Obvious these are all symptoms or some sort of anxiety but could it be something else? Eventually she will warm up a bit and get involved but it can take an hour or more. Even at that point they she will still only really give eye contact to me or DH, even if she is actuallt talking to other people. She has always been like this but I think it has actually gotten worse with age as she was quite happy to stand up and read or perform in front of others when she was younger. But if we were to bump into a neighbour or friend she knows , she would avoid talking and just stand there looking the floor or hide behind one of us. None of this ever seemed to happen at school (attended nursery and two different schools so exposure to lots of different people) and no concerns have ever been raised. All school reports and parents evenings refer to a confident, happy child who has friends and takes part in everything. Now at secondary she has settled in ok. After some friendship drama at end of junior school she now has a small group of friends, she is making her own way to school independently etc. Seems happy.
Over the years she attended many extra curricular clubs and activities and although always a bit shy she managed to make a friend and talk to the leader if needed. She will go into a shop alone and ask for something or pay for something etc so it’s not in every scenario. But particularly if we socialise with friends / family in and out of the home, it’s a struggle. Obviously at 12 they just now appear a bit odd and rude and I know people think it. But she is chatty with us at home and seems chatty and relaxed when observed in 1:1 friendship situations. I want to help her but not sure how. We have already gone through full asd assessment but she didn't meet all the criteria for a diagnosis.