So fed up of them not helping

[AnonymousMum37]

Arghhhhh. I am so fed up. Our 2 children, 8 and 12, just sit watching us struggle with all the post Christmas tidying. Refuse to take their new stuff upstairs or tidy away their Lego so I can hoover. They reluctantly took down the Christmas cards after loads of nagging and then sat back down. The house is a pigsty. I've just found crisp packets and chocolate wrappers stuffed under the sofa.

I don't know what to do anymore. They don't do anything until I shout or threaten to take stuff away and then they do the absolute bare minimum and then give up, or say "I am helping" and pick up one thing and then disappear to their room.

I'm sick of it. I don't know what to do anymore. They know how unfair it is, I've spoken to them, they say sorry and then carry on. DH speaks to them and the same. They lose privileges and don't care. They only want to mess around and then call me a killjoy. We worked so hard to make these holidays nice and it's always the same. I'm so down.

What do we do?!

New stuff doesn't get taken upstairs? Then it goes in the loft, month minimum with prior last warning. Lego not tidied away? It gets hoovered up, give them a 5 min warning. Wrappers found stuffed under the sofa again? All treats go in the loft and no more come into the house for X weeks.

If you need to shout then do it. Take devices away until chores are done. WiFi is switched off.

You need to step up and discipline these kids, that's what parenting is.

They're only 8 and 12, they will be blind to mess, you can't expect them to know what to do, they need to be told.

Daily chores list?

What was the consequence for refusing to pick up the Lego?
I used to get the vacuum dangerously close to the beloved Lego and it would become a game of picking it up quickly before it got sucked up.

Go back to basics, as if they are toddlers.
No more snacks in the living room if they're not putting the wrappers in the bin. Snacks have to be asked for, eaten at the table from a plate or bowl and then they wash the plate or put it in the dishwasher.

They'll have to ask if they want to get toys out and have tidy up time when they're done.

When you say they don't care if things are taken away what do you mean exactly? Are your expectations of their reactions reasonable?
Do they have too much stuff so it doesn't matter to them or are they just getting on with the consequences?

Try and avoid shouting and lecturing them. If nothing else it's clearly not working. Try and keep things light and fun.

I do think it comes more easily to some. Two of mine are natural helpers, the other two aren't but have learned to be. TBH tidiness doesn't come naturally to me at all, it never has. I really have to work at it.

Consequences.
You and your Dh need to sit down and make a clear plan of action. Once done....

Sit them down ans explain its a new year and new rules.
Bad behaviour will have consequences.
There will be no shouting and no big lectures just consequences.

I would also introduce daily chores (small 5-10min things, setting table, clearing table, hanging laundry, emptying bins)

My 2.5yr old knows daily they need to

• make the bed
• get bibby and cutlery out for breakfast
• after meals puts biddy away and puts plates, cutlery and cup in the sink.

They often help me with laundry too

Repeated poor behaviour results in 24 media blackout. Meaning No tv no internet no devices.
At my dds age its smaller simpler. You are free to do X when Y has happened.
Toys are sometikes physically removed although we do that a lot less these days.

Re their toys and the stairs i would have put them way somewhere unreachable / inaccessible for a week possibly 2 then give the the opportunity to "retake" them upstairs

Once you have a new system in place you should ex0ect resistance as youve been a pushover for a while but you have to just follow through.

Won't take stuff to their rooms? It goes into the car for the charity shop.

WiFi disabled.

Treats locked in car boot.

Privileges removed.

My god, we were helping mum clean as toddlers. How did it get to this stage, at their ages? They need some serious behaviour modification.

I agree this is a manifestation thats been a long time coming which i think will make it harder to change OP.
Hence get your dh on board and both commit.

My dd is a toddler still and knows she is chancing it if she tries to hand me a wrapper in the living room instead of binning it herself.

I feel for you though as part of the reason i so "old-fashioned" in my approach is the scenario you describe would grind me down ansld the fear of that keeps me on the straight strict and narrow

Switch off the wifi

They only have an hour a day on devices and this had already been removed yesterday. They both have regular chores like recycling and bins which they do, but this takes so much nagging that it's draining. Rooms are meant to be kept tidy but every time we reset them it lasts a couple of weeks and then descends into chaos. They're meant to put their clothes away but the bags build.up and eventually I do it or get angry and they do some begrudgingly. We have tried house rules, tick charts, timers, plans, family meetings, agreed chores with them... So many things but at the moment I'm just worn out. 8yo is autistic, and we make adjustments for this but she's perfectly capable of helping and 12yo is worse tbh.

“At some point this morning you need to take your new Christmas stuff and put it away in your room. If it’s still there by lunchtime, I will be putting it in a black bin bag and up in the loft/garage.”

“When you finish a snack, put your wrapper in the bin. If I find any wrappers stuffed down the back/under the sofa or left out, I will remove your phone/ipad/games console for a week.”

And follow through with it.

Refuse to take their new stuff upstairs or tidy away their Lego so I can hoover.

So at the moment, is it the case that you'll say "could you please put the Lego away so I can hoover" and they just give a flat out "no"?

If so, I'd be saying "I'm hovering at 10am. Anything I need to clear away to do that goes in the bin."

Why are you debating with children over things they need to do?
You ask them nicely and if they don't do it then you issue consequences, which you stick to.
If they ask for snacks today, you tell them NO.
As they don't clean up after themselves.

It's not a flat no, it's usually a bunch of excuses.