12 year old feeling depressed, WhatsApp, idk what to do

[Zombieof3]

An argument broke out between my 12 yo daughter and my 8 yo daughter which resulted in me taking my daughter’s phone. I then looked through my 12 yo phone and found plans to run away, some mild sexual content between her and her friend, but when I spoke to her she broke down crying saying that everyone hates her, that she hates her life and doesn’t want to be alive. When I asked her about this she stated that she would never act on it but that she feels life is awful and that she has no privacy here (she shares a room with her 8yo sister). I’ve told her that I am taking her phone just until I decide what to do because I don’t want to punish her but I don’t know what to do. I’ve discussed counselling with her so I’ll take her to gp in the morning, but do I give the phone back. I just don’t know. I feel like I’m failing, I never wanted her to ever feel this way, I thought I was supportive but clearly I’m not doing a great job

You give her back the phone but you remove WhatsApp and you remove any access she has to the internet.

She's told you what the problem is. No amount of counselling is going to get her a room of her own. Do you have a home office or dining room you could convert for her? Or could you split the room up so she's got some space? From experience, it's absolutely soul destroying when you're 12 and you're constantly being harassed by a several years younger sibling who grasses you up at the first opportunity.

What is your house like? Can they have their own bedroom somehow?

Maybe talk to her about getting involved in things outside of school. Groups and activities away from her peer group in school.

It might be worth seeing what your local Child & Adolescent Mental Health Services can offer, and/or talk to pastoral care at school. It's a lottery and maybe it'll be nothing, but when my oldest was 12 and told me they were depressed, they spoke to pastoral care at school who spoke to me (with DCs's permission) and they were quickly referred for 6 weeks of phone counselling via local council social care provision that did seem to help them a lot.

It wasn't as negative a scenario as you describe, but I think speaking to a trustworthy, qualified person really can help.

I don’t think anything there phone wise is worth removing her phone over, its fairly standard pre teen stuff, even the mild sexual stuff with her friend - depending on what it is of course.

Is there any way you can give her some privacy away from her sister in the house? Even if you have a rota where she has some alone time in their bedroom?

I’ve given the phone back but as in regards to the space in our home, there really isn’t much. They have a younger brother but he can’t share rooms due to his additional needs, separating the rooms won’t work as the 8yo would only have to put a curtain aside to annoy her. I have no money and poor credit to move, I am just unsure what to do.

In the evening, my 8yo normally chills downstairs and 12yo will stay in her bedroom but I don’t think it’s enough.

What about downstairs rooms? Any leeway there?

Just a lounge, kitchen and a bathroom unfortunately

Could you make the lounge a bedroom for you - sofa bed etc and give your bedroom to the 12 year old?

Plenty of siblings have to share a room. Personally I would speak with her school. They tend to have counsellors on site. It's a tricky age, try and keep the lines of communication open, it's great that she opened up to you.

Not really, I also use my room as an office for when I work from home and I suffer with a slipped disk and don’t think sleeping on the sofa would be very good for my mobility. I think I’m just going to have to try and separate them in the evenings until bedtime. She’s been ok since thankfully xx

Do you have any loft space you could plan to do up as a room? Or if you have a look online, there are some clever ways to split a room so each child has better personal space. Is it set in stone that youngest boy gets his own room forever or could you work out a rotation system whilst he's small?

Loads of siblings share a bedroom. Consequences for the younger one being obviously annoying and creating defined space for each of them.

keep her off social media too

Could you share with your DS?

I have slept on a sofa bed for years so my kids all have a room each. This situation needs to be solved as your daughter will need her space for sure as she gets older.

I think it's important they can bring friends home as then you know who they are and who they're with so a bedroom is needed, In my opinion.

You can invest in a simple Ikea sofa bed which has a proper mattress and even use a good mattress topper for extra comfort. I honestly think it's the only solution if your daughter feels this way.

I work from home too and just use the same room during the school day and on school holidays I bedroom hop. Certainly not ideal but it may be doable.