I really don't know what to do anymore as in struggling so much with my 11 year old daughter. She has always been very sensitive, worries a lot about things, struggles when there is change from the usual routine. 3 years ago her Dad and I separated and she has really struggled with the idea of change, moving house and her dad has not helped things by complaining about me to her a lot and he doesn't handle her anxiety well. She will no longer stay with him at weekends anymore, she just sobbs wanting me, refusing to leave the house and he just yells at her that she is a spoiled brat - his relationship with her and oldest DS is not great but he has a good relationship with youngest DS.
DD started secondary school in September and is doing well, excelling academically and is a model student based on feedback from parents evening but homelife is a very different story. She now screams and shouts at us, sobs uncontrollably, has meltdowns about anything and everything from the moment she wakes up to the moment she falls asleep. Bedtime takes hours, she calls me up to her room at least 10 times a night screaming that she feels sick, has tummy ache, headache, sees strange shapes, hears noises, wants me to check no one is under the bed, is worried about dying or people she loves dying. It is exhausting, I'm a single Mum to the 3 children (14, 11 & 3), they go to their Dad's every other weekend. I'm workinh full time in a job I hate that is completley inflexible with no understanding, I'm in the middle of the divorce and desperately trying to find a house to buy as the former family home is now being sold. I cry with exhaustion most days and don't know how to help DD and it is really impacting her brothers now too. One of them asked me very concerned the other day what is wrong with her after she rolled on the floor screaming and kicking for 5 minutes over something tiny.
I have often wondered if she is Autistic. She has had sensory issues with clothing and food since she was very little. She likes predictability and routine and any change to that causes such anxiety for her. When she started primary she started going to the toilet frequently, the first morning she went 20 times in 2 hours. Then she worried she wasn't dry and would wipe herself over and over until red raw, after covid her anxiety was around germs on her hands and she would scrub them until they bled.
I really don't know what to do. She's a model student at school. She may not be autistic but if she is how do I go about getting her a diagnosis and support, I think she might hate having a label and feeling different from others. Would it help or change anything for her? I don't think her Dad would support it, he just thinks she's a brat wanting her own way and would accuse me of trying to mature an issue out of something that he thinks is my fault (he thinks I should be tough and make her stay with him, even if she's kicking & screaming as she's just wanting her own way).
Sorry for such a long post, I would be so grateful for advise on how to handle this!