11yo daughter wants to reduce contact

[eja1070]

I’m nearly divorced from her mum and we have been living separately for over 18 months.

By and large we’ve had joint custody of our daughters (11, 8), and for the last 6 months it’s been court ordered at 50/50.

My eldest has been struggling with the split and the circumstance surrounding it, but we have a great time together, we’ve always been close and I thought we were in an ok place. Maybe I didn’t see the struggles she was experiencing.

Because in the last few weeks she’s started to refuse to go places with me or visit me on our days together, and has now told her mum that she doesn’t want to see me as much going forward.

In the meantime her sister is still with me 50/50 but that means they are now separated on occasion and she doesn’t understand it.

My 11yo is now at the age where she’s started high school, is wanting to take control and have her independence. Whilst we settle the divorce she also doesn’t have her own room here which isn’t ideal for her.

I just want it to be ok. Any advice welcome on how to address the situation?

What were the circumstances?

I used to work at a Secondary, I overheard a group of students talking, all had separated families and various set ups but the general consensus was that they liked seeing the NRP but they didn't like the back and forth,they liked having one base where their stuff was and where they were 'home' and then visiting the other parent regularly. Even those that had 2 of everything so less of a logistical nightmare said they preferred one base and I'm not surprised. I'm not sure there are many adults that would happily regularly move every few days or week off week on.

What circumstances is she struggling with? It's difficult to advise when we don't know why she is so angry with you. Do you know? Have you talked about it with her?

Be honest with her and tell her how you feel, without putting pressure on her. If you have a new partner, this may be having an impact.

It must be awful always going back and forth. You might have to selflessly step back a bit. Worth an open discussion

I think 50/50 is definitely more for the parents than the kid. I wouldn't like living in 2 places, you always need 1 base.

I was that 11 year old once. I remember it vividly, as does my dad.. who I now have an excellent relationship with.
It's the age where you want to toy with your own independence for the first times.
It's the age that you will start to form your first big opinions, whether or not they are right.
Opinions are also easily swayed in this time (mine were, by my mother.. who wouldn't start the conversation about how she felt about my dad.. but would certainly not hesitate to throw out her opinions if asked or prompted.) {This may not be the same for you, I don't know how the relationship is between you and Exw}

My advice on how to approach this would be do not take it personally at all. As hard as it may be. But also do not give up on her. She might say some things or make some decisions that hurt you, but she does not understand the true impact it has on you at this age.
Maybe next time you see her, start the conversation, and ask her how you can both make things easier for her going forward. What does she need in order to feel more secure, and confident about the arrangement.
I really wish you the best of luck. I put my dad through hell with this. But it was never personal. It was because I was 11. You'll both be just fine :)

She's at the age where she's pulling away from parents and wanting to spend more time with her friends. And part of that will be on her phone in private. Don't fight it, adapt to her needs. Be her taxi service, take her - and her friends for Starbucks or whatever she's into. Take an interest in her life, if she has a hobby be her biggest supporter. And enjoy 1-1 time with the youngest, she'll probably be enjoying having you to herself so make it enjoyable and homely.

50/50 is for the parents not the children sadly. Regardless of the gender of the parent, it's better for the child to have one main home. Sometimes this changes, it's not always the same parent as they grow. Best advice would be to allow her to not do 50/50 but make a firm effort to include her - offer time on her own with you, invite on days out with her sister. It's normal to be less about your parents in teenage years so you probably would have experienced similar even if not for the split.