How to get comfortable with DD12 visiting/sleeping over at friends

[GonnaBeYoniThisChristmas]

DD12 (Y8) wants to go round to a friends house.

Ive never met friend, don’t know parents and it’s on the other side of town. DD goes to a large school in a big city so friends are based all over and not really local to us.

I’ve asked for full address and friends mums phone number. Is that enough? DD is perfectly able to travel there and back on her own but I was planning to text the mum to check she’s ok with it all.

What do others do in terms of checking in with other parents or overseeing where their kids are spending time or getting parents numbers? I’d be even less comfortable if it was a sleepover.

Because the girls have their own phones and secondary school keeps parents at a distance I feel very out of the loop with who is who!

I always insisted on dropping mine off, and going up to the door with them after one horrific experience when DD1 stayed with a school friend and Mum left them home alone all evening while she went to the pub. They were 10 I was absolutely fuming when she told me, and that friend was only allowed to come here from then on.

Or insist they come to you the first few times until you get a good read on the child/parents.

Or insist they come to you the first few times until you get a good read on the child/parents - I guess that works if the other parents don’t insist the same!

This time I got DD to send me the mums phone number and i messaged her and all seemed well. I couldn’t drop DD off as I was at work when she went over.

It’s such a minefield. Old enough to organise their own social stuff but not quite old enough to manage all the situation that can come up in someone else’s home. IMO.

My parents didn't know my friends of their parents thry trusted me to make my own decisions at that age there is only so much we can control our children

Have a code word or phrase she can text you if she wants to come home. I have had several panicked calls from inside a bathroom to go pick them up!!

@Edingril - I completely agree. My parents were the same. And I happily went round to friends houses and dealt with some odd situations. No mobiles then either.

@Stormyweatheroutthere - that’s a bit concerning. What kind of issues have caused this?

@Edingril
so did my parents who quite frankly would pass out if they knew the half of what I got up to and all the places I’d really been instead of staying “ at a friends “ 🙈😆

You better believe I made sure I knew where mine was !

Yes @babbi - I am definitely more cautious than my parents. I feel they were either naive or just didn’t care! I don’t want to be OTT but I also feel there’s a real gulf between primary where everything is parent organised and I knew every kid in the class and secondary where I have got no idea who Sarah/Alice/Hannah is let alone where they live, parents, lifestyle.

My concern is sexual abuse not control.

I think there is much more awareness now of the huge numbers of girls who are abused before they reach adulthood.

Tbh OP I don’t know, I’ve got a few years until mine reach that age. But I think I’m happy to be an awkward, unpopular, annoying parent if it keeps my children safe.

It’s hard.

Agree definitely about a code word or phrase. We have agreed if DD messages saying she forgot to feed the cats, it means she wants picking up immediately but doesn't want to look like that in front of her friends. So I'll ring, make some bull up and be basically a dragon mum so once she hangs up, she can eye roll and have sympathy from her mates about how awful I am. All the time knowing I'm going to get her.

Yeah I'd message the parents if I didn't know them, I'd ask for their number and just check in with them. Not like I can do much of a vetting check but I suppose being contactable if there is an issue is one risk mitigated!

For a sleepover, I haven't done that when they're meeting up somewhere.

(And I have sons, just to add).

@MarigoldSpider - yes I think that’s one of many main concerns along with more “mundane” worries like DD being in a house with a really shouty aggressive parent or unpleasant pets.

I know all of this is paranoia and most scenarios will be far from this but I’ve seen a few things in my life which have opened my eyes to how others operate and it scares me.

I do trust my DD but I don’t know if she would be confident enough to speak up for herself in all uncomfortable situations

Thanks all for the code word idea. @ZeroFucksGivenToday - we also have cats so I shall use that one!!!

@pecanroll - yes I did feel better having messaged the mum. She came across as friendly and she did stuff like suggest the nearest bus stop which made me think she was engaged with their plans.

At that age I used to ring the parent to check it was OK. This was for sleepovers, not visits.

@Edingril
Nor did my parents. Until my 11 year old sister arrived home from a friend’s house and told them that the friend’s dad had locked my sister in a bedroom and asked her to show him her bottom.
That completely changed their view.

@GrazingLamb 😮😮😮😮 I hope your sister wasn’t traumatised. So good that she told your parents.

yes I did feel better having messaged the mum. She came across as friendly and she did stuff like suggest the nearest bus stop which made me think she was engaged with their plans.

Yeah I think that's it, I know it's not infallible and sadly lots of bad people come across normally, but lots of bad people come off badly so you've eradicated that, you have to hope your daughter can manage the rest to a degree because at some point you can't always be there.

So true.

And I tell all my DC (until
Im blue in the face) that if they’re in any uncomfortable situation get yourself out as quickly as possible and dont worry about appearing rude / make something up like a tummy bug.

But with classic teen / pre teen vagueness it seems to get a yeah yeah kind of response. I dont want to scare her but also don’t want her to not engage and think about this stuff.

I stayed over for the first time with a friend whose parents I'd never met. The dad was absolutely terrifying and shouted so much at my friend's sibling I almost wet myself. So I'd also say, make sure your child has been after school/dinner there first beforehand to have met the parents, and don't have a drink so you can go at all hours to collect her!