DS 10 broke my heart today

[Notmyname21]

He belongs to a basketball team and he was really good at it when he first started but over the past couple of years, the other boys have increased in skill and he’s one of the weaker players. Unfortunately, any time they lose, the rest of them take it out on him, calling him “crap” etc - even when the loss isn’t down to him at all!. He used to always cry and want to leave the team but he told me today that he’s learning to ignore it.

Whenever he plays online games at home, the same group of friends don’t seem to let him join them. He sits there in front of the screen making requests to join their game and often gets ignored -again he says it’s because they say he’s no good at the game.

Individually, his friends are mostly nice, decent boys but there’s one who’s viewed as the “cool” kid and what he says seems to go. It seems he’s often the one that tells the others not to let DS join in the computer games.

He’s such a kind, sweet boy but he says he feels like he’s the “add-on” among his friends which really upset me.

He said that just once, he wants his friends to look up to him and think he’s good at something.

I just don’t know what to advise him (other than get better friends!). I tell him what a great kid he is and that his friends are just not as mature as him when it comes to knowing how to treat other people. I just worry this is really knocking his confidence.

Is the coach aware? They have a problem in their team that they ought to be aware of and are in a position to address.

Are the problem boy's parents aware? They may wish to be. If one of my kids was doing this and I was unaware, I'd really appreciate a parent choosing a quiet moment and just letting me know (without judgement) what's going on, and showing me screenshots / etc. so I know what's actually happened, and giving me the info I'd need to address the behaviour with my child.

Aside from fixing the problem with these 'friends', I think the 'get better friends' approach is well worth trying, particularly at this age as a wider friendship group from the localish area is likely to support the upcoming move to secondary school. Are the basketball friends his only friendship circle, or does he have others - from school, other clubs, etc.? Might he be open to trying other sports, perhaps alongside basketball if you can stretch to it and it fits in your week - it could provide a 'concrete' example that other groups and people exist, perhaps with different priorities, and help him accept that the problem is in the other players and not in him.

We've found an awful lot of difference in the behaviours that are promoted, tolerated and ignored amongst our local kids' sports club: our local football and cricket clubs are more tolerant of poor social behaviour amongst the kids' teams, but the swimming club is really supportive, the rugby teams are really inclusive, the martial arts group offers a good ethos, the tennis club is vile, basketball is a bit cliquey, pickleball is full of people just having a bit of fun. His people will be out there somewhere - good luck in finding them.

The coach is often telling the team that taking losses out on each other is not the way to go - they need to work together, support each other. He intervenes if he hears the mean comments but he doesn’t always hear them.

With the “problem” child - I have no way of proving he’s excluding DS from the computer games - DS just says the other kids sometimes say it’s him that tells them not to let DS join in because he’s not good enough. I’d feel a bit uncountable talking to the mum when I have no proof - and also I suppose she could be of the opinion that her son just doesn’t want to play with DS because he’s not good at the game rather than it being any kind of meanness…?

i just feel like all the kids he thought were his friends don’t treat him as kindly as he does them. I feel like I’m waiting for secondary school and hoping that he finds his tribe there.

That sounds really crap OP. Does he go to school with these kids? How are they at school? Are there other kids he could mix with at school or are all the boys in one big group?

Yes he goes to school with most of the basketball team. He does play with them at school but it does sound like they all gravitate towards Cool Kid. It’s such a shame as some of the boys are mostly really nice.

I think he finds it hard that when there’s a lot of them, they all seem to go with whatever the group wants to do - like excluding him from the online games or blaming him at basketball - a bit sheeplike - yet on a 1-2-1 basis he gets on with each of them really well. He at least has the balls to go against the grain sometimes and won’t just go along with the group and I’m proud of him for that.

He has started mixing with some new kids since starting year 6 (as they’ve mixed the classes up).

Can you teach him how to stick up for himself? Sounds like he's being bullied and taking it.

One or two comments from the team are ok but he's being scapegoated. This group of friends aren't friends because that's not how friends treat each other. He needs better boundaries and to learn what friendship involves.

If it were my son, I'd take him out of the team and find another one away from these so called friends. I'd encourage other friendships.

It's heartbreaking isn't it 💔? My son was treated the same and his primary school days have no happy memories. So frustrating as you can not control other kids' behaviour and it is the exclusions that hurt the most . It's not physical so very difficult to approach the other parent . I feel your pain OP . Kids can be so cruel and it is very tough to watch your child negotiate this unkindness.

Honestly it's much more a valuable lesson to be a good loser and enjoy things without being good at them than anything else, the amount of friends I have with kids that throw a tantrum if they lose at literally anything, even rolling a 1 on a dice one time is unreal. I think your son is in a better position than them.

Is there something he's really good at, or different new things you can try out that be might have an unexpected skill at? Baking or Lego or something?

My son was often excluded and picked on in primary school - especially year 6, it escalated a lot in his final term. He's never been interested in team sports as he felt he wouldn't be good enough at the sport and would get picked on.

In the end we enrolled him in kickboxing classes to built his confidence - and teach him some skills for the next time somebody started a physical fight with him. We specifically chose a class on the other side of town so it was unlikely anyone from his school would be there.

He's been doing kickboxing for about 18 months now and loves it. His self-confidence noticeably built quite quickly. And he's not competing with anyone but himself. By the time he started secondary school last year, he couldn't wait to be shot of most of his old class. He was actually the only one from his school placed in his tutor group and he was glad. He's built up a lovely group of friends since he started there (and has only had to deploy defensive tactics with a kid that shook a fist in his face once).

What my waffle is leading to is: everything g will change at secondary school. Neither of my kids had a familiar face from primary in their tutor groups when they started and quickly found their tribe. DD has just started all over again in the same position at 6th form college and she wasn't fazed - she told me she started both primary and secondary not knowing anyone, she was fine, and she'd do it again. She'd found a small group of girls on day one - met one of them on the bus going there 😂

If you can, and he's comfortable with it, try to find a new team away from his fellow school group. He might flourish and improve without Cool Kid and his army of minions telling him he's crap constantly.

My sons football team has this issue at times. We always notify the coach and he comes down hard on it. Boys have been asked to leave before. The parents had the same attitude as the expelled boys so you can see where it comes from.

I know it's sad to watch op, but honestly I barely know a single child who didn't go through something similar at some point in school. Parents make so much of their child's friendships in primary school, but I can't think of a single relationship (apart from my dd with her bff since age 4, they are now both 24) that survived the whole course of primary and secondary school. And, come to think of it, they went to different secondaries to each other - maybe that contributed in some way? But generally speaking dd and her friend are rare and a talking point. She lost touch with many others from primary and made new friends in secondary. As did my son.

Year 6 seems to be a bad year for it, and later year 9 too. Just ime, of course.

That is really sad, he sounds like a lovely lad and you sound like a great mum too.

It does sound though that he's dealing with these setbacks in a very mature and resilient way. It's always hard to see your child suffering, but exclusion from social groups and unfairness is a part of life, albeit a horrible one. It's good he's dealing with it well and not a sign he's bad in any way; it's just that life can be hard especially as a teenager. I think ýou shou.d continue to support him and tell him he's doing well in dealing with this. It is a good although hard life lesson.

Ok.

1. is there any way of boosting his skill set so that e he can be more confident in himself? Is there a reason why his ability has not progressed as the others has?
2. are these his only friends? What about school friends ?? My Dd plays football outside school, I’m not she’d say any of those teammates are her friends.
3. Please make his coach aware, you don’t have to be accusatory but he should know that this team is not really functioning as it should.
4. I would definitely be working at lessening the importance of these boys in his life, they are not his tribe. Is there a chance he’d try another sport or club?

Switch to a different sport. If possible do it intensely so he gets good fast. Let the basketball coach know why he left. If he wants to rejoin is there an intense holiday session and a new club. Tell him online gaming is brain rot and offer an alternative. Do some work on frenemies/assertiveness.

Is there another team around you could put him into instead? Bonus he’d meet different boys.

It sounds like you are trying your best to support your DS but it's so hard to see their friends being unkind. I would carry on helping him to understand that it is their failure not his. If there is another interest or sport he would like to try, encourage that. Doing things with one or two other boys, rather than the big group, might be easier for him. But if they carry on excluding him when they're all together that will be even more bitter.

I would get him into a different sport / hobby to make new friends and drop the basketball and phase out those so called friends .

Find something he excels at, hopefully he'll make good friends that way. Can you arrange for him to do something with 1 or 2 of the decent boys? Is he likely to end up at the same secondary school as the ringleader?

Could he try a different sport or something like karate where you gain a sense of achievement to through gaining the coloured belts. It's given my DS with learning disabilities a huge amount of enjoyment and I'd say has improved his self esteem too.