Does anyone understand preteen girl friendships?

[Sohardtochooseausername]

DD is just 12 and has always struggled with friendships with girls at school.

We recently learned she has Autism and ADHD which explains a lot. But it’s not that easy to spot - which we now know is typical for neurodiverse girls.

My heart breaks every time she comes home crying because the girls are planning a party/day out/trick or treating/sleepover and they have told her she isn’t invited.

She never knows why they don’t want her around. I can guess it is because she is very hyperactive, which shows up in bouncing around a lot, including jumping on people and hugging them, and arguing with everything everyone says.

She is very sporty and has strong interests outside of school and a couple of friends who ‘get’ her and so she seems protected to a certain extent from being completely isolated but I’d love her to have a few friends at school who she trusts and can feel safe with and do the fun things young people do with.

I have no idea how to help her find those people at school. She’s been at a few schools and the pattern is always the same.

I know I can’t actually do something to make friends for her but how can I help her navigate the mean behaviour and learn how to not do too much of the things that annoy the other girls? (particularly since these things annoy me and I can see why sometimes kids wouldn’t want to spend time with her)

which shows up in bouncing around a lot, including jumping on people and hugging them, and arguing with everything everyone says.

Wonder why the other girls keep their distance?

Ah, sympathy , I don't think anyone understands the friendships of that age group. DD has similar struggles and is not SEN of any kind. The best thing to do is encourage friendships outside of school.

Have you explained to her that people don't like others arguing with them all the time and some don't like lots of physical contact? Can you teach her strategies to control herself?

My autistic godsons are both male, so friendships operated somewhat differently, but at around that age, I spent a lot of time explaining and role-playing scenarios like ‘how to tell if someone else is bored or uncomfortable by their body language’ or working on theory of mind (‘Would you like it if someone kept jumping up on you unexpectedly?’). It worked very well with one godson.

Yes many times… doesn’t seem to sink in. She’s probably better than she was but stjll probably annoying for a lot of the girls. Specially since at that age being cool is so important.

I’m well aware of why they keep their distance, just wondered if other parents had any ideas for how I can help DD.

Did they listen and did it work? I do this kind of thing and she seems to be listening and then when I say what have I just said she says she can’t remember. She really doesn’t seem to care if I say ‘how would you like it if I did that,’ she says she’d love it! I say some people don’t like it and she doesn’t seem to understand that.

Adhd meds might help her feel more calm and clear-eyed about things. It's a tough age and girls can be absolute fiends.

It sounds very difficult. You might find the National Autistic Society helpful. They have a forum where you can ask questions and lots of info on managing behaviour on their website.
www.autism.org.uk/

She’s been diagnosed privately but we can’t get meds. She’s on an NHS waiting list now so it should be possible in a year or two

Has she ever seen a speech and language therapist? Something like social stories/ comic strip conversations might help her.

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/communication/communication-tools

It's difficult - plenty of adults aren't able to adjust their behaviours to suit the audience or be tolerant/patient with differences in others - it's not surprising that preteens/teens struggle too. And teens aren't known for their patience and empathy unfortunately.

As others have suggested, all you can do is try to talk through behaviours that others might not be comfortable with. School is intense, it does get better when they progress beyond the school playground cliques. Smaller group friendships can be more forgiving.

And negative behaviours are plentiful in preteens who have no diagnosed traits too - a teacher friend (who taught in girls schools for decades) said some of the worst behaviours she's seen have been from so called popular girls. Who's parents no doubt think they're angelic.