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Preteens

Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

Original poster

My 10 year old thinks I don't love her - is this normal?

21 replies

SourDoe · 29/08/2024 21:50

My 10 year old DD thinks I don't love her. She says it when she is calm and appears to be resigned to it. I am really worried about her feeling this way.

I have a difficult relationship with my own mother who was completely unaware of my emotional needs growing up and treated me as therapist from a very young age. Most of her worries were paranoid delusions about my Dad having affairs (he wasn't) and she would often tell me that they were divorcing (they never were) or that she was dying of illnesses caused by me.

So, I don't know what a healthy mother-daughter relationship looks like but I desperately wanted to have a better relationship with my own daughter and put her emotional needs first. But I think I might be failing at this.

I fear I'm not spending enough time with her. When I suggest we do spend time together she says that she can't trust me not to ditch her. Unfortunately she isn't being unreasonable to feel this way. I have two other children with complex special needs and a DH who is also quite needy. Between this and all the other mental and physical load of being a modern mum, I fear I have been a bit distracted and flighty with her in the past. She clearly needs more from me but I can't seem to fill her cup.

Is it normal for daughters to express feelings like this? I could never speak to my own mum about my feelings so I have no idea if this normal. Have other mums of pre-teen and teen girls experienced this and if so how did you respond to it? I feel like I'm failing her.

OP posts:
lunar1 · 29/08/2024 21:53

Can you arrange for help once a week to give her some dedicated time? What do you mean about your DH being needy?

Guavafish1 · 29/08/2024 21:57

Do you do anything together?

Tiswa · 29/08/2024 22:00

What has happened in the past for her not to trust that you will ditch her

having siblings with complex needs is difficult as your needs often placed after them so you need to try and carve out time

and does your DH want his needs above his DD and what is there relationship like

becuase this isn’t normal and you need to hear her

Singleandproud · 29/08/2024 22:02

You need quality time regularly just the two of you that doesn't get interrupted.

Whether that's 10 mins a day having a tea and a catch up whilst playing a game of cards or a board game.
Or a trip on a Saturday to the cinema or theatre just the two of you.

Why is your DH needy? Is he ill? If not he needs to step up and take care of two of the children whilst you get 1:1 time with the other and he needs to do the same getting his own 1:1 time with them

Original poster
SourDoe · 29/08/2024 22:04

lunar1 · 29/08/2024 21:53

Can you arrange for help once a week to give her some dedicated time? What do you mean about your DH being needy?

Yes I think dedicated time is a really good suggestion.

DH has mental health problems. 'Needy' maybe isn't the best way to describe him but it feels like that sometimes. He can have big mood swings and gets sulky. He can also be great but I tread on eggshells often to keep the atmosphere in the house manageable. I know this is another situation I need to address and I have been seeking support from a local service to help me with this recently.

OP posts:
Singleandproud · 29/08/2024 22:10

Does DD get to go to Young Carers, if not it's worth looking into and making sure her school also knows if they aren't already aware. She can get some emotional support there if she has siblings with significant needs and a parent with MH challenges

Original poster
SourDoe · 29/08/2024 22:12

Tiswa · 29/08/2024 22:00

What has happened in the past for her not to trust that you will ditch her

having siblings with complex needs is difficult as your needs often placed after them so you need to try and carve out time

and does your DH want his needs above his DD and what is there relationship like

becuase this isn’t normal and you need to hear her

When we get time together, which might just be snuggling up to watch tv, it's not uncommon for me to end up having to attend to something else, sometimes only 30 minutes in. Even if we've had longer together, she will say I'm ditching her when its time for me to go, because its bed time or I have to cook dinner etc. It never feels like the time I can offer her is enough.

OP posts:
SkaneTos · 29/08/2024 22:16

I think the needs of your daughter are more important than the needs of your husband. She is a child. He is an adult person.

DeersBeersPeers · 29/08/2024 22:17

You could try special time for 10 or 15 mins a day. Just you and her. Let her pick the activity and set a timer. She knows she's got your full attention for special time.

Nat6999 · 29/08/2024 22:22

Singleandproud · 29/08/2024 22:10

Does DD get to go to Young Carers, if not it's worth looking into and making sure her school also knows if they aren't already aware. She can get some emotional support there if she has siblings with significant needs and a parent with MH challenges

Young Carers is an excellent idea, ds went from being 8 & has done loads with them including going on residentials, he is now a trustee with them. They often have counselling available & family therapy.

Original poster
SourDoe · 29/08/2024 22:23

Singleandproud · 29/08/2024 22:10

Does DD get to go to Young Carers, if not it's worth looking into and making sure her school also knows if they aren't already aware. She can get some emotional support there if she has siblings with significant needs and a parent with MH challenges

Thank you, I wasn't aware of this. I'll take a look, that sounds really helpful.

OP posts:
Awumminnscotland · 29/08/2024 22:25

I agree with pp re spending one on one time but mostly I think you need to work at having an open and honest approach to communication with her. She's 10 and is recognising and communicating her feelings to you. I think it may reassure her that you're listening if you can be honest about feeling you haven't given her what she needs and why but you want to plan together some ways that things could be better for her. Keep it small and realistic but small connections throughout the day could help build a more connected relationship.

Singleandproud · 29/08/2024 22:27

It's very likely she doesn't mean that you are ditching her in the way you assume it to mean, it's ust the words she has to explain how she feels which is likely a bit sidelined if everyone else seems to get lots of attention.

Does she like to cook? Maybe you and her could spend time in the kitchen together if you prepare most meals and work alongside eachother. Put some music on and make it fun, she can help prepare the meal, or be in charge of dessert. Or just sit and chat / draw whilst you do your thing.

Importantly ask her what she would like to do too. Let her have her say.

Tiswa · 29/08/2024 22:27

It’s not so much the time but that she isn’t your priority I agree with rjngfencinf a small amount of time that is hers alone

and maybe as she gets older be honest - ar ethe siblings with complex needs older or youngrt

defintely address your DH I am sure he is a problem too

BananaSpanner · 29/08/2024 22:27

Do you tell her you love her? I have a DD of a similar age, I tell her I love her at least a couple of times a day, plenty of hugs and loving words. It’s natural to me as my mum was the same. I guess if your mum wasn’t, it might be difficult for you.

You have a lot going on but she needs to be the priority sometimes. It might be easier to take her out somewhere where distractions aren’t possible.

Original poster
SourDoe · 29/08/2024 22:29

Guavafish1 · 29/08/2024 21:57

Do you do anything together?

She goes to a nearby stage school in the evenings and weekends for six days a week, which I take her to. She has complete control of this and it's her choice. I help out when needed. I think I've tricked myself into thinking this is me spending time with her and although it's brilliant for her I think she needs more one to one time from me doing simple things at home.

I know this is going to sound stupid but can anyone recommend activities at home that they do with their daughters? I'm rubbish at making suggestions to her, everything I suggest we do doesn't appeal to her.

OP posts:
Mishmashs · 29/08/2024 22:33

What’s she interested in? Maybe build some quality time around that? Does she like baking? You could draw together (loads of drawing videos on YouTube), learn how to make friendship bracelets/knit… what about reading? Get cosy with snacks and read some of her favourite books? I played a board game with my 9 year old tonight and we’ve learnt some card games together.

Original poster
SourDoe · 29/08/2024 22:36

BananaSpanner · 29/08/2024 22:27

Do you tell her you love her? I have a DD of a similar age, I tell her I love her at least a couple of times a day, plenty of hugs and loving words. It’s natural to me as my mum was the same. I guess if your mum wasn’t, it might be difficult for you.

You have a lot going on but she needs to be the priority sometimes. It might be easier to take her out somewhere where distractions aren’t possible.

Yes, that's one thing I do a lot. I never heard 'I love you' as a child so I tell my kids I love them constantly with lots of hugs etc. I agree, she needs to know that she is a priority because I don't think she feels that way.

Thank you for replying, just talking through this is helping me to make sense of things a bit better.

OP posts:
Original poster
SourDoe · 29/08/2024 22:40

Awumminnscotland · 29/08/2024 22:25

I agree with pp re spending one on one time but mostly I think you need to work at having an open and honest approach to communication with her. She's 10 and is recognising and communicating her feelings to you. I think it may reassure her that you're listening if you can be honest about feeling you haven't given her what she needs and why but you want to plan together some ways that things could be better for her. Keep it small and realistic but small connections throughout the day could help build a more connected relationship.

This is lovely advice, thank you.

I have to say, I'm blown away by how brave she is to just communicate how she feels. I have never been good at expressing my feelings so I think some praise for that might be a good start as well as an admission on my part that I am aware that she hasn't been getting enough of my time.

OP posts:
Original poster
SourDoe · 29/08/2024 22:41

Thank you all so much for all these replies and suggestions and for not being judgemental. It's really appreciated. I'm feeling a bit clearer in my mind already about ways I can improve things.

OP posts:
Tumbler2121 · 29/08/2024 22:42

It sounds as though the only way you'll get real time with her is to leave the house. Although it sounds mundane she could do the weekly shop with you which includes going for a milkshake or something.

I think she is saying you don't love her because it is the only time that you really pay attention to her, not that she really means it.

Regarding young carers .. i have worked with them and feel very strongly that it is more important for children in difficult situations at home to be enabled to do same as other children, rather than having special evenings, outings and holidays.

Young carer situations also vary tremendously from ones where there is someone ill at home but they don't actually do any care work, to children where they frequently have to miss school or even to physical care of their parents.

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