Help! Don’t know how to handle my 10-year-old

[LizzySimmons]

My son is 10 at the end of August and is addicted to gaming.

He refuses to engage in anything else including school.

He seems unhappy or disappointed when I arrange anything else - it always goes ‘wrong’ or he doesn’t enjoy it as much as he thought he would or suddenly becomes sad and wants to retreat back into his tech.

We’re on holiday in Tenerife with his best friend and he’s been having meltdowns every single day, saying he wants to fly home. (Despite having fun for hours on end in the pool).

he begged me to book a swimming with dolphins experience and I paid £150 happy to find something that might give him wonderful memories. We arrived at the park and he got splashed with salt water which stung on his sunburn and he was apocalyptic. He insisted we go straight back to the hotel. Screamed the place down. Luckily I got the refund back.

later in the holiday he begged me to book a moped experience then five minutes in had a meltdown, said he hated it and yelled at me to take it back.

And now, 4 days in, he’s stopped swimming in the pool and won’t leave the room.

i’ve had to place a restriction on tech time because he told me he wanted to spend the rest of the holiday in the room on his phone.

i’ve allowed him 3 separate hour-long slots (which is a lot!) where he can have dedicated tech time and he can choose when he uses them. He’s obsessed with this tech time. Living his whole life around it. He’s the same at home.

He keeps insisting he’s having the worst time of his life and crying to go home. Even though when he’s not in a meltdown he’s having fun.

we go home tomorrow.

This problem is ongoing though and I don’t know how to fix it.

things to note: his dad and I divorced last year, there’s lots of change in his life. Two new homes.

but this tech obsession and the reluctance to engage in anything else had been going on long before we split.

anyone else dealing with this? Any help appreciated!

I don't exactly have this problem with my kids, but when I feel they are getting a little too into screens above other more wholesome activities, I sometimes say that they need to earn their screen time that day. Whatever time they spend reading that day they are allowed to have an equal amount of time for screens (Switch/TV/iPad) at the end of the day. You can adapt it to have activities other than reading, eg drawing, swimming, helping with chores, whatever, and make a rule that it must be done with good behaviour and a pleasant attitude in order to count towards the time. It works pretty well as an incentive.

Honestly, knock the tech on the head for at least a month.

(Why does he have sunburn, are you not applying cream regularly?)

This sounds pretty extreme OP, I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. I'd honestly be tempted to stop all tech, completely, for a while. At 10 he doesn't 'need' it, so although it's going to be grim, it sounds like he needs a total detox.

I don't mean to sound judgmental, this is a genuine question: why does he have a phone at 9 years old, and why was he allowed to bring it on holiday?
It sounds like he is maybe using screen time to regulate his anxiety, it might be worth exploring other ways to help him calm down.

Just take it off him!! he is ten. I have been there with a teenage boy (fostered) and if you don't stop the crap now you won't be able to manage when he is 15. If he screams and shouts let him. Ignore ignore ignore until he gets the message you are the adult and he needs to go and play with his friend. No negotiations.

I think you have a lot of things going on tbh.

Have you thought about some counselling or play therapy to help him process everything he's been through?

I have a 9yo and, nothing to the level you describe, but he was becoming overly obsessed with the playstation and Fortnite in particular. We took it away about a month ago and it's been great, no regrets. He was upset at first, but we promised he could have his friends over more/ park meet ups etc and everything is so much better.

I'd go cold turkey if I were you.

I played way too many computer games at that age.

I think for some including me, interactive tech can be addictive, especially the new stuff.

I'm a long way off having to broach this with my kids but I'm adamant they won't have a smartphone. Unsure about games consoles, but in your instance it sounds like they've become addicted/ reliant on it.

Agree you just need to take it off him, and you have more ability to do this when he is 10 rather than a teen.

stop the tech completely.

Have you looked at adhd or asd?
all the behaviours you mention could be signs.
he’s in a new place and struggling, he’s overwhelmed, too much going on and he’s struggling to regulate. My daughter is the same and is both.
everything seems like a great idea to her but the reality is different, lots of self sabotage to get to a safe quiet place.
a lot of nd kids (and adults) use tech to regulate themselves.

I mean this kindly but you need to take control of the screen time and massively limit this before it gets worse. Start weaning him off it if you need to at first but you need to do something and be persistent.
I sympathise with you as I'm recently separated and it is tough.

Get rid of the screen time and phone.

My ds is just 10 and would be obsessed by screens if left to it.
He has to earn screen time and if he behaves badly he loses it.
He is foul if he spends more than about half an hour on a screen, so knows that if he does come off and is horrible then he loses his time. (He can regulate if he tries very hard!)
He earns time for reading, additional physical activity (he does football anyway) and helping round the house. He also isn't allowed on screens unless he has got dressed and brushesd his teeth as it was leading to arguments.

I appreciate for some this sounds over the top but ds is better with clear boundaries and clear rules and needs to understand that screens are not his life and he can't speak to people like crap just because he has played fortnite!

He is currently on a week ban and is much nicer to deal with!

We also give him freedom to go out with friends to the local park so he can socialise without having to be on a screen (particularly with better weather). He has a phone but is only allowed it when he goes out with friends and it has limited capability.

I would also not entertain him demanding to go home from anything.

He's addicted to tech and it needs to at least go on pause for a few months. He has a lot of emotions going on and zoning out on a screen is escapism and avoidance, he isn't being given space to process his emotions properly. It's easier for everyone to numb them with screens, but it's clearly not working for him.

At 10 he is still young enough for you to be in charge and parent him. He doesn't need a phone either. It will be much harder to tackle this in a few years.

A holiday is the perfect time to go tech free, just distract and interact with him.

Trash the tech.
Ditch the phone until he is fourteen.
Give him a dumb phone and once detoxed of tech for a month have him earn back up to one hour of tech each weekend day.
Engage with him in the tech (not solo tech!) - play a game, research something together etc.

Your son became tech savvy too young and has had not enough boundaries. He needs to develop good social manners, which the tech time has stiffled. It will be hard.
He will behave like a toddler.

Enrol him in a team sport or game.
Stroll with the dog in nature every day.
Praise kind, polite and respectful conversation.

Ignore all uncivilised communication and tell him to communicate like a civilised being and to rest in his quiet space until he has calmed down..

Same as @IamChipmunk ds1 is 8 (almost 9) so a year younger than yours (who is 9, it doesn't matter that he's 10 in a month, he is 9)

He absolutely does not have a phone of his own, and won't have one until at least senior school.
If allowed he'd spend all day on the switch though, but he's not got any access to youtube or online gaming.
He gets 45 mins a day in the hols of 'free' time on it, but any more is 'earned'
he is an absolute horror of he has more than 45 mins at any one time, or if he has more than 2/3 45 min sessions in a day.
Earned time includes competing well in his swim lessons and karate sessions, playing well at football, helping around the house, playing well with his younger brother etc.
Also no switch before breakfast and dressed, tv is allowed.

We are the parents and it is absolutely up to us to enforce this. He's never had youtube access, and his younger brother who is 4 has no screen access outside of tv.

My son uses tech to regulate but he knows damn well if we ever were lucky enough to go abroad, the tech wouldn't be going. You need to go cold turkey now. At 10 you should hopefully be able to do this. By 14/15, you'll be screwed.

No 10 year old needs a smartphone either. Neither of mine have them. They can have a smartphone at 14/15 when they're more able to manage it. Nokia do great basic flip phones that call and text but nothing else. Perfectly adequate in terms of contacting your child.

You are the parent. He needs to know that. Put your foot down!

Yes, total detox as PPs have said.

You're the parent take it off him and make sure there's consequences when he takes a tantrum.

And sorry but going to see dolphins in captivity is shocking. Can't believe this is still going on.

I have a just turned 11 DS so can speak from experience. You have got to have complete control over the tech. Be the parent here and put boundaries in place. This won’t get any better if you don’t get a grip of this now. Imagine trying to negotiate with a 15 year old over tech time? No chance. But you can do something about it now. No need for a phone at all at this age. And limit the tech to an hour a day max. He might scream and tantrum but eventually you will reep the benefits. It’s going to be tough but is this the future you want for yourself of him?? Remember, you are his parent. Do what is right by him and not what is easiest.

Yes, every half hour or so factor 50. Everyone here is sunburnt. It’s 35 degrees. Thank you though

Some great and thoughtful replies on here and also this one.

No other child in the world has ever had sunburn so it's quite obvious that OP isnt applying cream and must have taken her son and his mate to tenerife without any. Your helpful words will surely correct this for her.

No phone. No WiFi.

Hand him a book or his swimwear. It's not his choice even he gets furious.

And consider his use of tech after the holiday. I would put it away 100% and let him attend scouts, football or similar. Maybe let him earn screentime for a real efford taking part in life around him but not hours a day. And not carry a phone around ad a toy.

He is addicted to tech and internet. If you don't handle it now your trouble will get so much worse in a few years.

Absolutely. However just be aware “ up the park with mates “ unsupervised can easily mean just absolutely unsupervised screen time if someone brings a phone with a data sim. They could be watching anything - porn etc and showing it to others too. Even 10yr olds are devious …

Tbh our park and playground?
Kids on their phones. Not playing, talking or interacting. They sit watching each others devices.
Don't fool yourselves.

This sounds very stressful.

You need to take the tech away completely for at least 2-3 weeks.
Then limit it. And he hands the phone/gaming tech in to you every evening.

Does he have an after school club he can attend eg sport related? It would give him another focus.

He seems too young to have a phone but if he has the phone to keep in contact with you or his dad when he is with the other parent limit it to text and calls only. He can then still contact you both or any of his mates. He doesn't need SM or games on it. Have you got parental controls on it because this is very helpful.

It may also be helpful to decide on some general boundaries for him. Spending that money when he is then showing entitled and ungrateful behaviour and then spending more money and he shows more of the behaviour isn't doing him any good and sending him the wrong messages and will only get worse as he gets older.

He has been through some upheavals and changes, if you are worried he might need some counselling or support or that he might have something else like asd or adhd make an appointment to see the GP. During school time you can request to speak to the school nurse. I dont know if they work during the holidays, but they can point you in the direction of support available.

It's so difficult for you and him. I'd look at this as being a warning of what the future holds. Have a reset re the screen time and hopefully get his dad onside too. I feel sorry for kids of today but you have to be strong and set the boundaries here. Don't beat yourself up @LizzySimmons