Possible autism - discussing with 12yr old DD

[Mydustymonstera]

How do I start the conversation with my 12yr old?
I think she has autism. The GP referred her 10 months ago for Ax. The school agreed it seemed merited.
but she has coped really well since then. Had a pretty positive year. I know I should talk with her about it before secondary school as that would mean I could talk with the school about getti no some support in place. But I’m scared!!!!!! Any advice?

I have a son with autism. I can only say that diagnosis has been super important for us in getting support at high school and for him understanding himself positively and feeling supported.

It's harder for girls to get diagnosis and I think harder to recognise because they're so good at masking. I really think it's a good idea to explore.

I can't quite remember how I started the conversation but I think I was quite straightforward. Probably helped because we have both cousins who are also autistic and people we know and love in friendship groups. I think you have to frame it positively as possible.

There's probably a bunch of books and stuff if that's any use. My friend is going through it with her daughter who is now 14 and I think it gets harder the older they get.

No appointment yet. I had thought I would wait till either the app came up, or there was some crisis. But now I feel I ought to say something.

@Windywuss did u have the conversation with your son before he was diagnosed?
partly I worry, what if I am wrong. (But there are loads of signs).

I think I brought it up before we got the appointments. I'll be honest... school tried to put us off. But when lockdown happened, it was just utterly obvious and actually I think I'd always known but just not really given it a label or too much thought. Our kids are just our kids aren't they? And we accept them. But when lockdown happened I saw a lot that it realised he was dealing with. And I understood masking for the first time, properly.

I think I'd put the forms in by then and I was so impressed with the speech and language therapists and the doctors involved in the process. They were brilliant. It was entirely positive for us.

School at primary level were rubbish generally.

I think, trust yourself. You're not making it up. Just be matter of fact. "we've noticed some things that could mean you are autistic. Autism is something lots of people have and everyone is different. But if you are, then it will be good to know so you understand yourself better and good for teachers to know so they understand you better. It's good to know either way....". You could give some positive examples of people you know or famous people who are autistic to reassure them. "Some nice people will come to school and ask you some questions. And we'll probably have a chat with them too maybe on a video call"

Hope this helps. I know it's harder with girls. X

Also high school is more demanding than primary. I was so glad my ds had a dx by then.

That’s a really good phrase @Windywuss , “we've noticed some things that could mean you are autistic”. I like the way you set that out. We’ve done a far bit of talking about positive depictions of neurodivergence so groundwork should be ok.
positives of the last year:
no longer lashing out physically when in meltdown.
not afraid to spend bits of time in her room on her own
slightly better at talking to adults?
has taken more of an interest in hygiene. Will take herself into a shower 2/3 times in last few months unprompted.

still struggling:
transitions
being told to do something
noise
focus
decisions and choices

strengths
very independent and strong willed when she wants to do something
beautiful artist
great focus on her interests
can be caring and concerned

above - I was justifying why I’m still looking for a diagnosis after a better year - but I see the poster who asked that has had their comments deleted anyway.
maybe I missed some kind of subtext in them.
wouldn’t be unusual!!

My boy did fine at primary. He has struggled with high school but has good periods. He's seemingly on a good run just now. Doesn't mean he's not autistic. He's just adapting and growing up and we've made some interventions that help.

Don't overthink it perhaps. What's the downside of going through assessment process? At least you'll know ?

Hi @Windywuss I just thought I’d come back to update that I did finally have the chat with dd to say I thought she might perhaps be autistic and what did she think. She said hmm maybe, sometimes and took the books I’d bought for her to look at readily. I feel like it’s a good start! I emphasised that it was for her to look at and read through and see whether she thinks ‘oh yes that’s me’ or ‘ this is nonsense, doesn’t sound like me at all’….
thanks for your encouragement/ reassurance earlier. I feel massively relieved actually.

I'd wonder about ADHD too from your description.

@Mydustymonstera Aww well done. That's a brilliant start. I think the fact she's engaging is really positive. Let us know how you get on. 🙂

Hi just coming back as feeling really low today. Dd refused school today and was really defiant, angry, swearing and throwing things. I know it’s anxiety and exhaustion probably driving it but I feel shit.
I did some things right - deescalated reasonably well, picked my battles, did address the swearing and the fact that she clearly did not have ‘a cold’ and was perfectly fit enough for school at a time when she was a bit calmer… but the outcome is still rubbish. She’s still missed a day, and effectively gotten away with all kinds of horrible aggressive behaviour terrible learning for her.

Obviously we’re in Scotland where this is the 2nd week of term and new school.