DD being left out on sleepover

[PassTheCremeEggs]

I just typed a long post and then the bastard app lost it.

But in summary - it's DD's birthday and she's having a sleepover tonight for a small group of friends. I thought all was fine but I went in to where they are "sleeping" earlier and found her sitting alone on the sofa looking really sad, while the others were all together on the mattresses on the floor. I was a bit perturbed so after I left the room I texted her to ask if she was ok, and she said she wasn't, and was being left out. She wouldn't come out and talk to me because she said she would cry.

I am so upset for her. She's in this group at school but some are more mature than others (and she's not one of them) and I think she is struggling to find her place in the group at the moment? It's been easy in the past and she's been with this lot since Y3 (now Y8, at a small indie prep) but she does have a bit of a self confidence issue sometimes, and I think it's getting worse. She's very up and down at home. One of the girls brings high levels of drama everywhere she goes, and has spent this evening creating situations that draw any attention away from DD and making everyone gather round her instead.

I'm so sad for her. It's her birthday FFS! God I remember being 12/13 and it being rough, but it can't have been as rough as re-living the pain as a parent 😥

I am so sorry for you and DD. It hurts a lot when your child is on the receiving end of this kind of behaviour.

Is there anything you can do now to interrupt the dynamic that has developed, and either encourage DD's inclusion in the group or take her out of the room altogether? Or are they all asleep now?

I think I would have said something to the other kids (in a faux jovial tone probably) when I went in to find her alone on the sofa. I was rubbish at standing up for myself but find I am much better at standing up for young teen DS.

Hope things got sorted out & your DD enjoyed the rest of the sleepover??

With kindness is your daughter hormonal? I was really bad growing up for assuming I was being left out when my hormones were acting up (even before I got my period) and I often just didn’t have it in me to be involved so would withdraw and just assume I was being left out. It took me decades to realise I was self sabotaging (in a very innocent way).

sometimes faking it and forcing yourself to be involved even when you don’t feel it can help. It’s an important life skill.

it may not be this but 12&13 was when this really kicked in for me and I allowed it to ruin relationships, which I only worked out with hindsight.

I hope your daughter feels better in the morning and it resolves itself. It’s a truly awful feeling.

It’s heartbreaking to see - but it is normal unfortunately.

Preteens and teens are finding their way around relationship dynamics - sometimes they’ll be the one with the ‘power’ and the centre of attention, in demand, invited to everything - but sometimes they’ll be left out.

Social media has amplified this by a million - now everyone can see exactly what they’ve been left out of.

All you can do is encourage a range of activities and interests - keeps her distracted and busy - she won’t necessarily make deep friendships from outside interests but it’s less time to be fretting. And she won’t necessarily stay friends with the same Y3 people - new friends are fine too.

Group friendship dynamics can be tricky at any age - as people get older they often grow out of doing everything in groups of friends who all know each other and develop more varied individual friends.

For future birthdays consider a specific activity followed by food, no sleepover or general party at home. Maybe invite a more mixed group of friends too to change the dynamic.