DD upset at growing up and worried about the future

[GorgeousLadyofWrestling]

I had the saddest conversation with my nine year old DD last night at bedtime. I can’t stop thinking about it and worrying.

She’s been preoccupied with growing breasts for a while now. She is in Y4 but a lot of her friends have matured recently. She keeps asking me when hers are going to grow and at first I thought she was worried she would be left behind, but it transpires she doesn’t want them, doesn’t want to grow up and wants to stay a little child.

Her nipples have been sore recently and she’s been very focused on how this means changes are happening and she’s desperately upset about it, and last night was in floods of tears talking about how she just wanted to be a kid and how she envies her 7 year old sister who doesn’t have to think about this.

This led to a deeper conversation where she said she worries about the future - mainly because I was trying to understand why she’s so upset about growing up, what that means to her, in order to just understand her and reassure her - and she said she’s dreading growing up because she knows she’s going to mess it all up and not get a job and not get a house and just be a complete failure.

I was really taken aback. It seems so deep for a nine year old to worry about these things. I feel like there’s some deep, deep knots that need untwisting in her mind - her self esteem must be so low. As a family I can’t think of anything we would have said or done to make her feel any kind of pressure. Most of our lives and conversations are focused on the here and now, or short term future, and always fun things. It hurts my heart that she feels this way and makes me think for her to be fixated on this in some way, maybe she’s naturally prone to anxiety?

I feel like me and DH have an opportunity to really listen to what she’s saying and really unpack what’s going on to equip her with really healthy mental health - especially as she goes into adolescence in the next few years - but I don’t really know how to tackle this. I don’t want to reassure her to the point she feels invalidated and brushed off - like, oh don’t worry about those things yet! She is worrying already.

I felt much like that at her age, I remember being very worried. I have no advice to give sadly, other than telling her in comes in small stages not all at once.

It’s fear of the unknown, and pressure of expectations she’s learned from somewhere. Reassure her that all it takes is one day at a time. She sounds so intelligent to be thinking like this, yet that also brings the worries. Poor darling.

I think this reflects when children gain a bit more awareness of the adult world ( for example, that they'll need to support themselves) but have next to no knowledge or experience of how to do that. I remember feeling pretty overwhelmed at a similar age when I was a child wondering about how I'd get somewhere to live, and afford food and clothes, and cook meals, and wash clothes, and bleed radiators, and change tyres, and... and.... and....

As a pp said, explaining that these responsibilities are a long way off, and that your daughter will acquire the skills to cope and thrive gradually, and that by the time she's an adult, she'll be ready to deal with adult responsibilities, might help - a similar approach helped one of my children realise they didn't need to be worrying about these things for a while.

You could also try to get your daughter to reflect on how much she's learned since birth (washing, dressing, reading, making friends, hobbies and activities, whatever chores she does, etc.), and noting that she has a similar length of time until she has to be an adult, and that might also help her accept that she has plenty time to get comfortable with adult responsibilities.

However you tackle it, good luck. Growing up can be tough.

My daughter was quite similar. Definitely appreciated the simplicity and fun of childhood and worried about exams and growing up/ relationships and coping with life.

i think you sound like a wonderful mum. Keeping the bond close so she keeps talking to you and concentrating on the here and now is important. Also I think it’s good idea to get advice on parenting teenagers either in person or read lots as it can be a tricky transition and reading and learning in advance could help you develop ideas early on. I wish I’d done this a bit earlier.
That night could have been a bit low for her but the wonderful thing is, she spoke to you, it probably helped her and then she’s probably better now as she’s offloaded to you!! It’s amazing how up and down they can be at this age and onwards.
I wish you all the best - she sounds lovely and intelligent - cherish your bond and continue to work on it as it will be everything and help you to mentor and guide her throughout her teens xx