Body image issues 10 yo DD

[FlyingUnderTheRadar]

Hi all, could really do with some advice. Sorry if this is long.

DD is almost 10 and in recent months has been voicing unhappiness about her weight and size and comparing herself very negatively to her peers.

Since she was a baby she has always been on the “chubby” side (50-75th weight centile while more like 9th for height- she has never climbed weight centiles just tracked along them more or less). Her school friends are clearly slimmer than she is- most of them classic colt-legged little girls, taller than her, which of course is perfectly healthy. But poor DD is small of stature and, yes, looks chubby.

Unbeknownst to her I’ve gotten input and advice on her diet in the past year because, although her BMI centile is around the 80th (sometimes up sometimes down a bit), I wanted to make sure we don’t run in to the overweight category as I do feel she’s at risk. So I feel like I’m conscious of her food and giving her plenty of opportunities for exercise.

She knows we are a “healthy” family and seems happy with that. But the comparisons and fear of being labelled “fat” are creeping in now.

I’ve spoken with her about how she feels, talked about focusing on all the great things her body can do, on the fact that there is a range of healthy weights, the fact that it’s my job to keep her healthy and I’m taking care of this, talked about actresses and singers she admires who have body shapes more like hers etc. But still she feels “ugly and fat”. I’m so sad for her and I don’t know how best to proceed.

Does anyone have advice?? I don’t know whether to work on self-esteem, or on finding ways to help her maintain her weight and help her “grow into” it and slim over time. I desperately want to avoid her having a complex about herself. I want her to love and value herself as much as I do, but equally I do understand what she is seeing when she compares herself to others and I don’t want to dismiss that. Help!!

It is a hard age. I am going through the same with my 10yo. She's so self conscious and makes comments such as 'I'd love to be a cheerleader but you have to be skinny,' for example. I've always made a conscious effort to speak positively about our bodies as I was a teen in the noughties and it was so tough being slightly bigger. She has the exact same body shape as I did as a child so it's just genetics. She has lots of very slim friends too.

She told me today that someone at school said she had a 'chubby body' and its made me so sad. She's 10 ffs!

Sorry I don't have any advice but just wanted to say we are going through the same thing

Aw thanks for the solidarity @AlpacaWooly. It’s so hard. Especially when other children make throwaway comments and comparisons as they will do.

I suppose the one consolation is that they are talking to us about it. I do feel DD and I have a great relationship in that she knows she can always tell me how she is feeling... I just wish I could help her to see what I see when I look at my beautiful, brilliant child😔

Yes absolutely. I could never talk to my parents about anything as a child and I'm so happy to have cultivated a relationship where she's comfortable to speak to me about everything. We are doing a good job in that respect!

Could martial arts help? To show her that her body is strong and capable?

My DD is almost 5 and she often says 'mummy I have a big belly' but I tell her she is tall and strong and healthy- although I appreciate that might not cut it with a 10 year old.

That’s a thought @perimumma .

She does love “strong” women characters in books and movies and she’s a feisty proto-feminist herself in many ways so maybe I should help her channel that.

Thank you for the suggestion🙏🏻

I wonder whether she is experiencing snide or sarky comments from other peers if she has all of sudden become conscious of being different and worrying about being ‘fat and ugly’ others peoples influences generally tend to be the reason we become self conscious

I think she has had some comments. Not intended to be mean, just the sort of blunt and naive comments kids will sometimes make.

One boy remarked that she was unexpectedly heavy even though she’s small when they were doing “queen’s carry” races at sports day, I think someone else mentioned that their own slim legs were “normal” and a girl once called her a “big fat liar” when they were having a disagreement (all since sorted out but the comment clearly stung and she hasn’t forgotten it).

And like all children she does just want to be like everyone else, but she isn’t seeing many other girls who look like her at school😢

I say this a lot but schools at the moment are extremely toxic and hostile environments for children. So many kids are desperately looking at ways to avoid bullying and anxiety levels are going through the roof. My daughter does not have a weight issue but became obsessed with hair and makeup to avoid bullying. She now does homeschooling and we are slowly undoing the damage

It doesn't matter how much you build up your kids with ideas of body positivity, their peers will tear them down.
One of my boys was always overweight, he was bullied over it, ironically he turned out to have a health issue which has left him disabled and slim. He was then teased about his disability.
The pp who says schools are toxic places these days is not wrong. The kids doing the bullying were the popular, successful kids, who could do no wrong and were bright enough not to get caught.

I had an eating disorder for years as an adult even though I was super skinny as a kid. A lot stemmed from my mothers issue with weight and the way she spoke negative about her body plus my dad would make fat jokes.

While I haven’t been in your situation yet, my DD is younger. I try to talk nicely about my body and about hers. We talk about the nutrition of food and don’t call it bad /good. It’s ok to eat a donut but then balance it with something more nutritious if you want another snack.

If she’s really self conscious and you and you have spoken to a professional about her weight, could your whole family eat better to help her stay at a constant weight (while growing in height) but never tell her so it’s not a big deal?

That’s what I’m working on @Georgethecat1.

We do have a healthy diet, appropriate portion sizes for age and I’m incorporating more exercise with getting them to walk part of the way home after school most days (about a 20 min walk). We don’t have screens in the summer as a rule so they’ll be outside a lot of the time. I think we do have a healthy scaffolding around her so I’m hopeful she will grow into her weight, but it’s the self-image that worries me too.

My mum also obsessed a lot over her weight when I was young and I think it partly contributed to my own sister having an eating disorder in her twenties so I am very conscious about how I speak about weight and bodies and never using negative or shaming language.

Check out Body Happy Kids by Molly Forbes (there's a book and she's on IG).

I'm very conscious of this for my daughter. She's got my body type, her sister has her dad's (tall, slender) and as a result, he just doesn't understand and is on at her all the time about food and movement (but not her sister). That said, we've called out family members congratulating her for looking slimmer, like that's her only achievement. It's insidious, and baked right into our society.

Thanks so much @Kerflapperty

We’re similar in that DD definitely fits the body type of DH’s family which is just broader and curvier than average (even for those with healthy weights) whereas younger DD is naturally more like my side which is slighter. So even though we are all eating and moving the same she still sees a difference with her sister.

Will check that book out now. Thank you. 🙏🏻