Do you check their tech?

[dreadisabaddog]

DD12 has a laptop and a phone. The condition to having them is I can do random checks at any time. Realistically I don't check much but I have caught the odd bit of silly behaviour and nipped it in the bud and reminded her what happens online exists forever.

I did another random check today- first in a while- and she's been using the discord messaging app. I saw a message where she was bitching about me to a friend, slagging off my clothes and my weight and told her friend a very edited version of a story from the day before where I'd said I'm so proud of you to her potty training sister, she'd said "you're proud of me?" Sarcastically and I said I was talking to your sister... but of course I'm proud of you too.

I probably shouldn't be surprised and she's right, I am fat, and I also wore an outfit yesterday that I didn't feel great in (after 3 years breastfeeding I'm trying to get back into non nursing clothes and I've never been very fashionable) so basically everything she said in her message was true but I'd be lying if I said it didn't really hurt my feelings. It was just so nasty and her tone made her sound just like her father who I left when she was 2 for this kind of putting me down all the time. I don't know if I just let this go and stop checking her tech or if she deserves a consequence for speaking about me that way. I may just be ranting here but I'd welcome anyone's thoughts on what to do.

I check tech (12yo) and I always say don’t write anything you don’t want a parent to read. I’d say you’d read it and it was really rude and if she is having issues, she can talk to you about it calmly. Then let it go. She is a child, not your ex

God no way would let this go - she needs telling it is hurtful talking about you like that

You need to parent this child before this gets worse and you need to be regularly checking tech. This shouldn't even be a question at 12 years old. She needs the understand that this isn't ok.

I disagree with the posters above. I think you should let it go.

She's 12 years old so verging on becoming a teenager. Teenagers always have and always will say derogatory things about their parents to their friends - that is just the way it is.

You need to think about why you are monitoring her tech. Are you doing it to keep her safe or are you doing it to police her thoughts and her chats with her friends?

If you're doing it to keep her safe, then things like this should really be brushed over and ignored. As long as she isn't being bullied, or targeted by suspicious adults, everything else should be left to her.

If she was not doing this via social media, in the old days she would have been doing it over the phone or when meeting her friends in the park, etc. You need to let her have her own life even if it feels hurtful to you at times - distancing from parents is part of the teenage years and personally I am really glad that my mum and dad did not hear some of the stuff I said to my friends about them (which I never truly meant).

I think you need to be the adult here and recognise this for what it is, and take a step back.

As long as she isn't being bullied, or targeted by suspicious adults, everything else should be left to her.

She is 12. She is far too young for everything to ‘be left to her’.
There is so much damage caused to children by endless tech use. Parents need to educate themselves.

Yes I check my 12 year olds phone - just to check he’s not being bullied/participating in bullying and checking for inappropriate content. I don’t comment on anything that doesn’t fall into those categories (such as slagging me off!)

Did you even read my post? I said as long as she isn't being bullied or targeted. Obviously you would check from a safety perspective.

But venting about parents is a normal part of growing up, and just because it's now done via social media, does not mean they shouldn't be allowed to do it.

If anyone here can honestly say they've never said anything nasty about their parents to their friends in their teenage years I will shut my mouth - but the way I see it, it's just a rite of passage.

Did you even read my post? I said as long as she isn't being bullied or targeted.

I did read your post. There are a lot more dangers than just being bullied or targeted.
Maybe consider reading a recently published book by Jonathan Haidt. He paints a very frightening picture of the irreversible damage being done to children by access to social media, TikTok, ete etc
Edited to add the name of his book

, “The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood Is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness,”

New research published today by a university in Dublin :

Researchers tracked, recorded and coded the content recommended to ten experimental accounts on ten blank smartphones - five on YouTube Shorts and five on TikTok.
The study found that all of the male-identified accounts were fed masculinist, anti-feminist and other extremist content, irrespective of whether they sought out such videos, and that they all received this content within the first 23 minutes of the experiment.

I've also read that a new account as a 13-yr old girl, immediately feeds "thigh-gap" posts and "diet-pill" ads, but never tried it.
I'm dubious that ten fake-account samples represents social media usage/experience as a whole @GrazingSheep .
What do you find for yourselves?
Because all the platforms do this now - not just tiktok and instagram. Facebook, snapchat, youtube and more, all do this. ( I find facebook the most aggressive, ads and suggestions feature in numbers way beyond those posts of my friends and network. )

@ringoffiire At times, I desperately despised my parents, but wouldn't talk ill of them, wouldn't gossip behind their backs. And if I ever heard a bad word about them coming from anyone, thems were fightin' words.
There was also a closer friend or two, to confide in - but not to just sl#g off your parents.

There was also a closer friend or two, to confide in - but not to just sl#g off your parents

Yes, there's a difference between 'my mum's mean, she won't let me do xyz' and 'my mum's fat and she wears awful old clothes'.