Help me to help my daughter...

[JaneIves]

Firstly, I'll apologise if this comes across as a ramble, my head is all over the place.

I have a daughter, she is 10 and yr6. She is an only child if that's relevant.
Happy home life, although me and my husband are both shift workers so we don't get a huge amount of time together as a 3, but we are happy, we laugh a lot and I feel we have a fairly relaxed home life.

On the surface, she's happy. Lots of extra curricular activities which she enjoys.
School is mostly fine. There was a problem with another girl 2 years ago, which has been resolved but it really knocked her confidence. I only found out about it after she broke down in the school holidays of that year, she had never said anything but I knew something hadn't been right for months. I had asked, because I'd seen interactions at the school gate, but she would deny and deflect.

And this is the problem - there is no helping her, she shuts down. With everything that she struggles with, whether it be school work/friendships etc.
she struggles with recall, she's bright enough but easily forgets things. Tonight going over a little maths, something about an analogue clock face, she gave me an answer (which sounded like a question) and I said no, that's not right. Tears immediately and clamps off completely. We have this all the time! I said I was sorry for making her cry, but I'm allowed to point out if she's wrong, or how will she learn? And then there's no getting on with it, she just seems to spiral into despair - I persevered but it was hard work to finish what we were going over.

I think there is another friendship problem at school again, and I can ask any which way but she immediately shuts me down.
She doesn't have a 'best friend' she's always been friends with everyone, but I see other girls going off in groups now, and I fear she is being left out/behind and it hurts me. This may be a touch of projection on my part too.
My parents were emotionally unavailable when I was a child, so I perhaps over compensate.
I always ask about her day (get nothing)
She just doesn't talk about feelings, or open up to me. She won't ask for help with anything.
I'm aware I may be expecting too much. I just don't know.

I worry going forward, that she will be an unhappy teen, and what that could lead to. And if she doesn't offer any info or ask for help, then if she is struggling, how will I help her?
She's not particularly resilient now, how do I foster that, along with being able to express herself?

Am I asking too much? Or being to overbearing?
I'm prepared to be told yes to both.

Does she actually have some learning difficulties at school? Struggling with recall and managing an analogue clock are both symptoms of dyslexia along with many other things. I may be totally off the mark but children with dyslexia a0re notoriously sensitive to correction as they have no idea why they find things difficult and are often very determined to keep up a front of managing
.On the friendship side/ opening up maybe step back on asking her questions
That book..How to talk so my kids will listen and listen so my kids will talk is a great help in learning how to approach things and definitely well worth a read.

Thank you, I appreciate you taking the time to reply.
I hadn't thought about dyslexia purely because her spelling is fine and handwriting is good, although she has always struggled with cursive (something which the school seem to insist upon) but I've told her it doesn't matter. She tends to print, like me.
She gets things quickly, but like I said will forget easily.
I will look into it more though, so thank you.

Just to add, she struggles with the comprehension side of English too, extrapolating text for answers etc.
reading is ok, it's something she doesn't enjoy at all, and she did fall behind on. She's at expected level currently.

I’m not sure about the other stuff but I know my Dd about that age was a perfectionist and hating getting anything wrong re schoolwork.

I tried turning the whole think upside down and said it was a game and I wanted any answer as long as it was wrong. I was thinking that if she’s so scared to say anything in case she’s wrong, by making all answers right it would help her. Silliest answers got the best laughs etc.

The other stuff? Well if she’s a sensitive child she may be thinking that if she says out loud what she wants to say, that’ll be wrong too. It’s silly, but sometimes a child will think the reaction from a parent will be “is that all? Or don’t be silly, or well, just do ……”

I would suggest just sit with her quietly, perhaps touching in some way but not directly looking at her and perhaps start a conversation about a time when you were little and ………… Be very patient and don’t worry if there are long pauses saying nothing. Baby steps.

Struggling with comprehension is also part of dyslexia. I would look into it.

I would definitely read up on Dyslexia and seek an assessment.

It took me a long time to realise that my DD didn't talk about feelings because she couldn't. She simply has no emotive Language.

My DD sounds very similar to your DD. Especially the sensitivity to criticism.

This book might help her but I would recommend reading up on ASD & ADHD and how they present in girls and Women