11 year old daughter huge tantrum has exhausted me

[YellowRoses100]

Long story short. My 11 year old refused to go to her drama class today as her leg hurt. She banged her knee earlier in the week. It's fine and she is walking/running ok. She had a huge tantrum about this stating we only care about her older sister when she is injured. Her older sister plays football at a high level and about 2 years ago (when sister was 13) she pulled a muscle and we took her to a sports massage person and they treated her. This was one hour 2 years ago.

She then proceeded to say we don't care about her. So I checked wait times at a&e and our local a&e wait time at the moment (they have a live tracker)is 9 hours. This would mean we would potentially miss a theatre show we booked for her to see in Central London tonight. She then trashed her room, packed her bag and stormed out the house. She sat under the tree opposite a green on our road.Neighbour called me and asked what she was doing there as it was pouring down with rain.DH spent ages looking for her. Which caused him to be late taking older daughter to her match.

I now feel emotionally exhausted. My entire Saturday morning is ruined. And I feel so tired.

Does anyone else feel like this?

I have no advice as mine are younger, but that does sound tough. Is she normally like this? Or could there be something causing her to worry or stress? Obviously it’s unreasonable behaviour on her part - and you’re the best person to tell whether that’s a one of blip that could be due to something else, or if she’s just being a brat .

I would assume she is jealous of her sister as a starting point and go from there.

I think there is some jealously. But she has loads of shows and drama. She has performed in theatres in Central London etc. Her sister often misses her matches/training to watch her.

She actually went with DH to her sisters match today. So I'll sit her down and talk properly. She was always a very tantrummy toddler, never slept and has always been very wilful.

What will the consequences be for trashing her room?

Dh had confiscated her phone and she can't have it back till Monday. He locked it in his work van. I was tempted to say she can't go to the show tonight. But we booked tickets with extended family who have travelled into London to see the show with us. So it would ruin everyone's evening.

I've had a similarly intense teenage row with my son this morning. It's so horrendous and has taken a toll on me.
I'm going to do meditation and then go for a run as I still feel charged up.
Just do something to tend to yourself for the afternoon if you can. It's a common occurrence with parenthood, this kind of thing. Put your own needs first as much as you can.

No phone, no tech of any form, she tidies her room completely. Anything broken isn’t replaced. I think, as you say you should go tonight though. There needs to be consequences from her temper tantrum and then a full conversation about expressing herself in a better manner.

This is nothing to do with a bad knee, her sister or the drama club. It's (probably) about an overload of hormones she can't cope with. Periods? Just be patient and let her know she is being heard. 11 is a tough age, she would have just done her SATs, gone up to high school and begun puberty.

It sounds like she has something going on under the surface - anxiety, anger, resentment - and you’ll have to spend some time getting to the bottom of it.

Kids aren’t merely “brats” (a word MNers seems to love) for the hell of it.

Since you say she’s always been a highly strung, high maintenance kind of kid (I’ve been there with my DD) I can’t help but mention autism or ADHD. I wasted a lot of years believing that my kid was “hard work”, “quirky” and “difficult to entertain” when, actually, there was something deeper going on. All these behaviours were like pieces of a puzzle that slotted into place when I started researching autism in girls.

I know some arse is going to come storming in to say that they’re sick of hearing people suggest neurodivergence when a child behaves badly - but it actually isn’t that at all.

All I’m suggesting is have a think back through your DD’s life and ask yourself if there have been other concerns and niggles about behaviour in addition to a history of tantrums, wilfulness, bad sleep, hair trigger temper etc.

Ah …. mother of two daughters in their thirties here.
I feel for you OP, so stressful. Take a little time to care for yourself and calm down. Then please try to take all the heat out of the situation if you can. She’s eleven, you need to take the lead in being calm now.
it’s okay to say to her some things like you we’re worried when she’d gone off, you do care for her and want to look after her, you know she has a sore leg. You felt hurt by what she said. You think she needs to behave nicely and not have a tantrum.
Then don’t say any more and above all don’t continue any row or say anything mean, even if she does.
suggests she rests now and is ready to go out later as normal.

When I had these rows with my DD it was because she was ASD and issues with anxiety and sensory issues she was masking. Not saying it's that, but there's a root cause so you need to locate what that is
Good luck
Ps you seem to mention higher levels in both children, just check she even wants to do it

Hi. Thanks for all your comments.

Just to be clear, I didn't argue back or shout at her. I'm a very calm person naturally and I tried to talk to her. But I could see she wasn't calming down so I left her in her room.

She's definitely not a brat. Last night we got out the heated blanket and has snacks and gossiped for about 2 hours at bedtime. She told me all about everything.

In terms of the activities, she did stop drama and dance for.aboit 7 months. She then begged me to restarts last month. so I re-enroleld her.

I'd ask yourself if there is any truth to it. I'm not saying there is but consider it.

My sister was taken to the Dr for everything. Even teenage spots. She had a handful not bad or unsightly and mum wouldn't accept soap and water was enough and kept going back until she got prescription cream for it.

My sister did some dancing and she got referred to hospital physiotherapy for dropped metatarsals to aid with her dance that she didn't do to any high standard.

However I have knock knees. I remember my mum remarking on it when I was a child and just shrugged. From teens upwards my knees have both degenerated and the cartilage all worn away because of the knee problem and level of abnormality in both joints. I also have over rotation at the hips and hyper mobility which predisposes me to problems.

Some physio would have been really helpful in childhood about preventing this from getting worse and strengthening certain muscles to support the bad knee joints. Instead it was just left whilst my mum ran rings about my sister and her dropped metatarsals, her dancing and teenage skin.

You might not perceive it but she feels that way for a reason. My mum thought it was preposterous when I raised it in later life that she only gave a shit about my older sister when it came to health.

Thanks. I do understand this. My other daughter has been to the sports massage person once.This daughter has been to the doctor way more. We even had 2 over night stays in hospital with her when she was younger.

I eeally think it's hormones and traditions to school. She does struggle with friends. DH said she's been cartwheeling whilst watching her sisters match.

she will need to tidy and fix up her own room, but apart from that, it sounds like shes really stressed and upset and sore and tired. Possibly hormonal and feeling insecure too. I personally would not punish her. I think I would try and talk about it

Thanks. She has come home. Apologised and she has tidied up her room. Her lef doesn't hurt now. She annoyed she missed her drama club

I currently want to punch my 12yo DS however I obvs won’t but they are so annoying and frustrating at these ages!!! I feel your pain!!

Oh no. What happened??