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Preteens

Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

Constant friendship drama

6 replies

ComeTalkToMe · 03/11/2023 08:54

I am at my wits end - my DD (11, almost 12) is in her first year at senior school, and I just feel there is constant drama with friendships. She's struggled a lot with friendships, and I know she does contribute to the drama at times.

I am constantly telling her to walk away from things, but no matter what others have done she always seems to be the one that is excluded from group, told on to teachers and generally having a really rubbish time.

We did get her some counselling, which she wouldn't continue with, but some things came out about her not feeling good enough and how she feels she just isn't getting it in terms of relationships. We've been through a pretty rocky time the two of us - but she had become a lot better and I am working as hard as I can to support her, to model good relationships and to provide good boundaries.

She's gone into school this morning very upset because there's been further fall outs, she doesn't want me to speak to the school - but I just don't know what to do.

Have any others experienced this? And does it get any better!

OP posts:
SeaToSki · 03/11/2023 09:12

Unless its getting destructive, its not for you to fix. You get to be the safe space where she can unload and you get to stay neutral. At most ask if she wants some advice (dont just jump in). Useful phrases to deploy are “ohhh” “my goodness” “I see” “how did that make you feel” “that must be tough” while continuing to just listen. Its a hard age and she need to learn how to navigate it herself. If she would consider re engaging with counselling and you can afford it, might be a good idea to continue as dc often take advice from non parents that they would reject from DPs

ComeTalkToMe · 03/11/2023 10:57

I am definitely trying that and I think it's meaning we are continuing the conversation. It's just breaking my heart, especially as others are getting their parents involved - in things that I do see as for them to sort out and she feels she is being painted as the only one at fault - which isn't the case.

She recently said some things about her not being good enough for anyone - and I am trying to be a totally safe space who will ALWAYS be there, just finding it a touch time.

I appreciate the advice - am going to continue on that road.

OP posts:
ExplodingSmittens · 12/11/2023 22:43

Lisa Damour has some good strategies for dealing with this in her book Untangled. One of the things she suggests is asking DD if she wants you to just listen or she needs some help from you. She also has done good advice on her SM accounts.

Do you think a book like Liking Yourself might help her and is she willing to speak to Pastoral Care at her school?

YellowRoses100 · 13/11/2023 21:24

I'm having the same with one of my daughters. She is falling out and making up with so many friends. I cannot keep up with it. Its exhausting

ComeTalkToMe · 17/11/2023 19:19

Thanks for the replies, I will definitely look into those books. She really doesn’t want me to speak to anyone, and it’s not as if it’s a bullying situation - more falling outs. She just seems to really struggle with friendships, and I’m just not sure how to help her develop this.

OP posts:
casuarinatree · 17/11/2023 19:22

ExplodingSmittens · 12/11/2023 22:43

Lisa Damour has some good strategies for dealing with this in her book Untangled. One of the things she suggests is asking DD if she wants you to just listen or she needs some help from you. She also has done good advice on her SM accounts.

Do you think a book like Liking Yourself might help her and is she willing to speak to Pastoral Care at her school?

I like Lisa Damour a lot - her podcast (Ask Lisa) is really good as well.

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