DM and DD

[crazypiglady]

Not sure where to post this…DM can be difficult as she doesn’t respect boundaries, I have made my peace with this but now that DD (13) is getting older, it is starting to impact their relationship & I don’t know how to handle it. For example, DM will often let herself into our house, tidy up (go into our bedrooms, drawers etc), make a cup of tea & generally be in our space without us there. I’ve accepted this as she’s lonely & we sometimes ask her to look after the dog, so I accept her behaviour as a compromise. But DD is now getting frustrated with DM coming into her room when she’s not there & moving her stuff…it’s come to a head today as DD can’t find something in her room & is sure DM has moved it…my dilemma now is do I speak to DM openly about this? Do I risk offending her when she’s lonely?

I think you need to; it’s not on for her to be doing that in your DDs room and I can understand why she’s upset. If you don’t then it’s going to continue to upset your DD and impact their relationship. There are gentle ways you can do it obviously

That’s what I struggle with - the gentle ways - I know she can’t go into DD’s room without her consent…I knock & wait..but how do I do it without sending her into a spiral of ‘you all hate me’? That’s the usual reaction when I set up boundaries for myself, I’ve never had to do it on behalf of my kids.

How much do you rely on your DM for Dog care? My DM is lonely and doesn't respect boundaries either.

There is no way she'd be coming into my home without me there. If she's doing unpaid work for you, that's more difficult.

I think you need to protect your DD's privacy which is a very important thing for a teen. If you're not willing to stop your mum from letting herself in, can you get a lock for DD's bedroom door?

Locks for bedrooms seems like an answer? You'll need a master key, but I'd make sure MIL doesn't have it. Teens need privacy (as do you!)

How do you feel about your mums actions. Are you ok with her going into your home tidying etc. Is it just going into DD room that’s the issue?
Speak to your mum and set some boundaries. You need to be very firm. DD room is her responsibility to tidy no one else’s.
Putting a lock on DD door sounds extreme , but she is entitled to feel safe in her own home - and her grandmother intrusions are upsetting her.
Being lonely isn’t an acceptable excuse to violate privacy even if they are loved x