11 year old DS has no friends and "doesn't want any"

[drspouse]

He has SEN (ADHD and extreme social anxiety) but I feel so sad for him. He is in a specialist school and though apparently he plays football and computer games with the boys in his class, he never talks about them or calls them his friends. They all live a long way away too.

He still talks about a friend from nursery who he last saw a year ago. He saw another friend from nursery just over a year ago but they have moved away.
I'm just really sad about this. He is scared of some of the children at his school (he is very reactive and so are they - it hasn't helped him to find his "tribe" unfortunately.)

I'm not sure what I want here other than a bit of sympathy or if anyone has some hope it might improve!

He's too anxious to do anything in a group - he was booked in for 1:1 swimming in half term and was too nervous to go. He won't go in the pool with just DD and him, it has to be one of us. He went to Cubs when he was younger but post lockdown stopped being able to stay on his own and then stopped being able to go in the room.

That sounds really difficult. What does the school say?

I am an adult with autism and I also have a son with severe autism. If he doesn’t want any friends that’s absolutely fine. Of course if you feel he is just saying this then explore it further but actually a lot of people with autism just don’t need the whole friends / social interaction that others do and that’s okay. I don’t have any friends (apart from some online that I speak to occasionally) and I like forums like this where I can pick and choose when I want to talk but the whole idea of meeting people / friends / talking to people absolutely terrifies and stresses me out just thinking about it.

They tend to shrug their shoulders and say "oh they do live far away" and "oh they can be reactive can't they".
They have suggested he spend break time with a group of older girls if he doesn't feel like going out - which could well be calming for him but they won't be his friends (I don't think they are intending this TBF).

Thanks @Pigeonqueen - this could be the reason but he was a very sociable child when younger. He moved schools at 7, 8 and 10 plus lockdown of course, and the first two moves he was pushed not jumped. When he left the first school he cried and said he would miss his hugs with his best friend and up until a year ago he was still saying his nursery friend was his best friend and how they made friends the first day they met.

I haven't got any advice, I just wondered if you'd tried asking in the SN Section @drspouse?

I'm quite often in there but I'm kind of hoping for people who've been there and come out the other side. Who have adult independent DCs who were like this when younger.