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Preteens

Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

Original poster

Dd12 ditched by in crowd

21 replies

Babystepstoteenager · 29/10/2023 10:53

I’ve name changed for this as I don’t want it linked to my other threads that could be outing.
My DD is my eldest and I think I need a hand hold or some advice. She’s been unceremoniously dumped by the “popular group” (her words) at school.. and it seems to have triggered quite an emotive reaction in me. I am concerned that my reaction towards her could be too much of a reaction if that makes sense. She says she has friends to hang out with and is generally ok. But she was looking at SM of the group all out together and looked gutted.

I feel like I need to try to fix it for her in some way? And it all seems so nasty and exclusionary. Is this normal?

Not entirely sure what I am asking for by starting this thread, perhaps a wiser mumsnetter can give me some calm advice.

OP posts:
1stworldissues · 29/10/2023 10:55

She says she has friends and is ok. She's 12, and needs to navigate her own friendships.
Also, being friends with the 'popular' crowd isn't also a good thing

Radyward · 29/10/2023 10:55

They have done her a favour. They are awful. You need to reiterate this and support her through some sadness too. Its horrible. They are jealous im sure

Totalwasteofpaper · 29/10/2023 10:55

What happened or what caused it?

Were they/ are they nice children?

Who are the other friends and can you foster those friendships?

HollyGolightly4 · 29/10/2023 10:56

I think you probably are overreacting. It will be sad for her, acknowledge and validate this. Teenagers and tweenagers can be pretty brutal, and as long as there's no bullying (check phone) then it's a normal experience.

ErrolTheDragon · 29/10/2023 10:58

Whenever my dd referred to the 'popular' group you could hear the quote marks! It's much better to have a 'goat' than a 'sheep'.

7Worfs · 29/10/2023 11:00

It’s impossible to be objective when it’s your own child. The urge the swoop in and fix it is overwhelming.

However it sounds like your DD is doing well and is learning how to handle such situations. Don’t impede her development with your own overly emotional response. 💐

Ibravedaflood · 29/10/2023 11:01

Firstly why does a 12 yo have social media?? At 12 my dd was dumped for refusing to drink alcohol at a sleepover.. Provided by a dm who works with SN dc. Blew my mind tbh. Bloody 12!!. Dd slowly built up a much more appealing select few mates. Get your dd off sm. She needs to be a dc not a mini adult.

Original poster
Babystepstoteenager · 29/10/2023 11:04

Thanks everyone for replying, I appreciate it!

She was very close to one girl within group and they had a big falling out. Everyone took other girls side. They have sort of made up now but my DD has not been welcomed back into the fold. I know it is ridiculous but it must hurt.

Her other friends are newer to the school and seem much more chilled I suppose. Yes I will encourage those friendships.

I presume being supportive and not making it a bigger deal is the way forward. I tried to talk to her about it last night and she snapped at me.

OP posts:
Sherrystrull · 29/10/2023 11:10

This happened to my eldest a few years ago and it's been the best thing. Initially it was horrible but he found much better friends that are much more him.

chopc · 29/10/2023 12:03

Your DD was part of the popular group. Has she been part of the group that excluded another person?

It's a tough life lesson. Hopefully most of the little shits will grow out of such hurtful behaviour but sadly as we know, it goes in even amongst adults

Original poster
Babystepstoteenager · 29/10/2023 12:34

Is yr8 notoriously difficult? Does it settle?

fair points being made by everyone, thank you

OP posts:
crazypiglady · 02/11/2023 09:56

The vast majority of 12 year olds have social media.

Ibravedaflood · 02/11/2023 10:01

Doesn't mean they should have sm.

Ibravedaflood · 02/11/2023 10:03

Found this..

Dd12 ditched by in crowd
TotalOverhaul · 02/11/2023 10:09

She seems to have good self esteem, not to be heartbroken. I am glad she has other friends. I'd strongly advise her to turn off notifications for that group.

I know grown women who still get kicks from ousting one friend then posting all over SM to glat about their popularity. They are in their forties. It's great to learn at a young age that when this behaviour occurs, it's your DD who should be judging them, not vice versa. Completely ignoring them as though you never even noticed they ditched, and focusing strongly on other friendships is the way forward. They will probably get curious as to why she isn't devastated and try to lure her back in.

I'd advise gently, casually rejecting them, or accepting invites quite non- commitally - never setting any value on their friendship again but staying casually acquainted if it suits her.

Ibravedaflood · 02/11/2023 10:20

Dd was being particularly hideous at 12 /13 and we took her laptop and she had a basic phone. She was a different dc... Absolutely a dream girl.

crazypiglady · 02/11/2023 10:24

I agree, but that’s the reality kids are growing up in now, so rather than shaming parents for letting them have it, it’s perhaps more helpful to teach kids how to handle it.

crazypiglady · 02/11/2023 11:34

OP I work with teenagers & it seems to be y7-9 is bad for this, pecking order still being established, social media stirs up trouble & they can’t escape it as they’re always on their phones…it seems to settle as they mature a bit & head towards their exams?

littleripper · 02/11/2023 11:38

DD had this experience, I said 'thank god, they were not good friends' and made sure I arranged lots of activities for weekends etc and kept her off her phone. She has lovely friends now

Summerof85 · 02/11/2023 12:17

My DS when leaving primary school was ditched by the group he was friendly with, he was very upset, he still gets ignored by them I think, although he doesn't talk about it.
The same thing happened to me when 12, started high school, got dumped by the group. Think that makes me extra sensitive to it. DD now 16, has nice friends but has experienced some nastiness from girls.

Interestingly years later I came across one of the girls from my school group. Someone I know who ended working with her said she was not very nice.
I worry about my DS as he only has a couple of friends and they are not very reliable. Trying to get him into different things but he's not really keen.

Original poster
Babystepstoteenager · 08/11/2023 19:15

Thanks all for input on this. I think it’s helpful to know it’s not that uncommon at this age. Trying not to get over involved but it’s definitely something I don’t find easy… so far she seems to be coping with it. I suppose I should encourage her resilience rather than try to fix it

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