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Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

Preteens

Anxiety ruling DD life

6 replies

Elfie23 · 14/10/2023 13:00

Me again!
I'm really struggling with this stage at the moment and DD's anxiety has peaked again too πŸ™ˆ I'll try and keep it short.

She's always been a rubbish sleeper and wants me near her to sleep (I'm talking on the bed, the furthest away I can ever get is sitting by the door) she's now 9 and has been on Melatonin and Phenergan for just over a year which was great to start but now not having as much effect.
Doesn't sleep well at all in other places - at my parents my mum has to get in with her and we've tried a sleepover with a friend a few times and I always have to go and get her.

To the point - her school decided that instead of just yr6 going on the residential in May that yr5 would also join them (and do the 1 night of camping they're supposed to do in year 5 next year instead to help keep costs low).
So DD was faced with a 3 night sleepover at an activity centre (which looks awesome she would love the daytime activities!)
When I discussed it with her I told her I'd love for her to go but if she does go she is staying. I won't be driving almost 3hours to pick her up (and the trip is Β£320 which is a stretch for me as a single parent but would have found it if she really wanted to go).
She cried at the thought of it. Tried to encourage her by saying her friends would be there and her teacher etc - so many tears. Said let's leave it and chat again a few days before the deposit had to be in so she could have a think.
Spoke to her again - she cried so much she could barely breathe! She was absolutely gutted but I know she'd be traumatised plus the other kids would likely take the piss out of her too. It would take months to get her 'back to normal'. So we decided against it.

Fast forward a bit and now the girls are chatting about who is going to share a room etc and she has huge FOMO. We both feel so shit about it all. I would have loved for her to go but I can't justify throwing Β£320 in the bin.
There's only 34 out of 60 kids going so plenty staying at school. (One of her friends isn't going as her parents have booked a holiday).

What would you have done?

I feel like she does need a push and that 1 night stay they should have done this year would have been perfect, if she'd got through that it would have given her a real boost, but 3 nights is too much.

She's been really sad about it, I feel crap about it, I don't have Β£320 to 'experiment' with πŸ™ˆ

Half thinking about trying to find a mega cheap break for a few days instead for us but is that just masking the fact a decision was made and you have to go with the consequences of that decision?

Arrrggghhh πŸ™ˆ

OP posts:
decionsdecisions62 · 14/10/2023 13:07

I have a daughter with panic disorder who is now much better from being in Sertraline. She also takes Promethazine to help her sleep. It's much more effective.

Don't just treat this as a bit of worry. Get her properly diagnosed

No teen wants to be separated from friends or has to sleep with their mum unless there's something more significant going on.

I had to get a private consultation as CAHMS waiting list was 3 years.

Elfie23 · 14/10/2023 13:11

decionsdecisions62 · 14/10/2023 13:07

I have a daughter with panic disorder who is now much better from being in Sertraline. She also takes Promethazine to help her sleep. It's much more effective.

Don't just treat this as a bit of worry. Get her properly diagnosed

No teen wants to be separated from friends or has to sleep with their mum unless there's something more significant going on.

I had to get a private consultation as CAHMS waiting list was 3 years.

We have an appointment with her paediatrician in November to review the melatonin but I emailed him to ask if we could discuss the anxiety too - no reply as of yet.

That's interesting though , maybe this is more what she needs?

We've seen CAHMS already for CBT but it didn't make a jot of difference.

How old is your DC if you don't mind me asking?

OP posts:
Elfie23 · 14/10/2023 13:12

Should have added since she was 2 we've been through the health visitor for help with sleep, then when she got to school she saw the family support worker, then the school nurse and then onto CAHMS. They did a ADHD screening too with a questionnaire for me to fill in and the school but our answers differed so much they decided a full test wasn't needed. (I don't think she has ADHD)

OP posts:
decionsdecisions62 · 14/10/2023 13:14

So she was 15 when it got worse. Then covid arrived and she became agoraphobic. She's now 18 and thriving again but it took medication and exposure. I would say just CBT would not have worked. It's got to be a combination. I wish I had picked it up earlier.

neilyoungismyhero · 14/10/2023 13:15

My daughter was the same although I didn't put it down to anxiety issues to be honest she just didn't like being away from me/home. Ridiculously we collected her one year from Devon after a 3 night out of 10 day stay with a school mate. We couldn't put the host family through her nightmare trauma.
When she asked to go abroad on a school trip we said no. Like you we couldn't contemplate losing nearly a thousand pounds. She was old enough to understand. It's probably harder for her if she is very attached to you as a single parent.
My daughter grew out of it eventually somewhere along the line. Sadly they do have to grow up at some point and get to grip with life choices.

Elfie23 · 14/10/2023 13:43

neilyoungismyhero · 14/10/2023 13:15

My daughter was the same although I didn't put it down to anxiety issues to be honest she just didn't like being away from me/home. Ridiculously we collected her one year from Devon after a 3 night out of 10 day stay with a school mate. We couldn't put the host family through her nightmare trauma.
When she asked to go abroad on a school trip we said no. Like you we couldn't contemplate losing nearly a thousand pounds. She was old enough to understand. It's probably harder for her if she is very attached to you as a single parent.
My daughter grew out of it eventually somewhere along the line. Sadly they do have to grow up at some point and get to grip with life choices.

It's good to hear from another perspective too - thank you x

How old was your daughter when she grew out of it? Was it a gradual thing or just she just suddenly snap out of it (for want of a better phrase!)

DD goes to her dads every Friday eve and also every other weekend coming back on a Sunday afternoon. She's never said she doesn't want to go but she does ask 80% of the time how many 'sleepovers' she's having at his. He says she sleeps ok there and if she gets up to the loo she always goes back to bed...not sure how true that is but she does have her younger half sister in the room with her there which may comfort her?

I do think she needs to get a grip, grow up and face some fears but I need to somehow find the right amount of 'push' without pushing too far if that makes sense?

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