How to respond to "they all hate you"

[LivLongAndProsper]

Wondering if anyone has any advice for how I speak to my DD (11) about this. A good (ex best) friend keeps telling her "x hates you" or the latest one "Y's dad says you're a little bitch" or "Z's entire family hate you". My DD says its OK, she doesn't mind😣and no big deal. She's also said no one defends her and they think it's funny. Wtaf. She's said if she makes a deal.out of it she will be ostracised. Village school.

The last time a conversation like this happened, it was at an after school activity where I volunteer! So upset that I was there and this going on unknown to me.

What can I advise?

Just be like Grumpy Cat and say "Good! Haha!"

Unfortunately, it looks like your daughter IS doing the only thing she can do. I think she's right that she'll be ostracized if she makes a big deal out of it.

You don't have to be afraid of what a bunch of 11-year-olds will think though! I would go to the teacher and report what's going on. There are various ways the teacher can clamp down on this. If you don't feel like you're getting anywhere, go to the head.

You don't have to go scorched-Earth to start off with. I would say very calmly, "my daughter's best friend seems to be drumming up a lot of unpleasantness and I'm worried it's beginning to cross the line into bullying. Could we please come up with a strategy."

You're doing the right thing to keep giving your daughter a reality check (i.e., when you tell her this situation is not OK). I would tell her to respond to the ex-friend's comments with questions. For example, "why do you think I need to know that?" "Why would you pass on something that mean?"

The other kids are old enough to know that none of this is actually a joke and I think you should suggest to your daughter that she says something like "you wouldn't like it if someone said this kind of thing about you. It's horrible."

Good luck.

@Antst thank you. That's very helpful. They are a smallish group of girls and if course all sorts of things going on friends wise, which I can tolerate, but being told who hates you, repeatedly, as a "joke" is not ok. The suggested responses you've made are really balanced. Thanks.

My only concern about school is that the bullying policy says that all parents involved I'm any claim of bullying have to be informed...and that does seem OTT RN.

@jenpil thank you for responding. I'm not familiar. Reference?

@LivLongAndProsper, yes, that policy about informing all parents does seem to be a bad idea. In that case, when you talk to the teacher, I'd avoid the word "bully." Say you're concerned and would like to discuss the situation. Specifically say that you don't want to make things worse for your daughter so would simply like to report what's happening for now.

The thing is, it is bullying. It's a borderline situation right now for your daughter. She can deal with it, but it isn't pleasant. If it continues or gets worse, I do think the adults should get involved. As long as your daughter isn't seen to getting upset or driving an investigation, she is likely to be OK. The other girl may lash out but if the school officials do their jobs correctly, she and her parents will be made to understand there will be consequences if she does.

Yes, I think responding with a question is a way to take the heat out of a situation. It turns the responsibility for thinking of something to say back on the bully. Hope it works!