Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Preteens

Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

Flip

Original poster

birthday party dilemma

13 replies

Helpfulhaddock · 02/10/2023 14:23

Daughter is 8 with her 9th birthday coming up. She wants to invite all the girls in her class except one who's apparently been fairly nasty to her over the last few months, before and after summer hols. My one is quite passive and not always the sure what's going on around her (being assessed for adhd and autism) and I think the other one gets a kick out of ordering her around. Last week things escalated to my daughter being grabbed by the head and repeatedly told to apologise although she has no idea what for. it's not a surprise she's not welcome at the party.

The question is:
If you were the parent of the other child, would you want to know a) that your daughter was the only one being excluded and b) the reason?

Thanks 🙂

OP posts:

cocksstrideintheevening · 02/10/2023 14:25

I wouldn't say anything but would respond truthfully if asked. I'd be at the school asking what they are going to do to safeguard your daughter and for their anti bullying policy.

Newuser75 · 02/10/2023 14:25

I'm honestly not sure I'd be brave enough to leave one girl out. Although I can understand why you would want to do that.

Coughingdodger · 02/10/2023 14:35

I’d normally strongly advise not to leave just one child out but in this case it seems that the child herself should know why she’s being excluded. Would you talk to the teacher and say that you feel the parents should know what’s going on?

Coughingdodger · 02/10/2023 14:39

And I suppose it depends on whether you’re leaving the child out because you genuinely feel your DD would be upset to have her there - or whether you’re getting pleasure out of taking revenge.

ludocris · 02/10/2023 14:40

Are you friendly with the mum? Have you spoken to school about the issues?

Original poster

Helpfulhaddock · 02/10/2023 14:45

flagged it with the school and got parents evening next week where I can follow up.

OP posts:

Original poster

Helpfulhaddock · 02/10/2023 14:49

@Newuser75 @Coughingdodger i could probably find a way to cut the numbers by a few more before the invites go out if its the best thing to do.

definitely not taking pleasure in this, its horrendously awkward and the first thing I've ever had to deal with this sort of thing. the other family is quite "in" with the school and other mums if you know what I mean so there might be blowback.

have considered raising it directly with the other mum but that's often frowned upon isn't it?

Thanks for all comments!

OP posts:

bulbarsaurus · 02/10/2023 15:32

Do you know what she wants to do for her birthday? If it is something small you could just invite 1-4 of her close friends. The worst thing that could happen is if the girl that is not invited is friends with girls that are coming. She might get upset when they are all talking about it on the playground. I would never invite a child bullying my children to their party as it isn't fair. I also wouldn't worry about the parents being in with the school as I have heard it all before. She will go to high school and it all gets forgotten about.

Original poster

Helpfulhaddock · 02/10/2023 15:53

she wants to invite all the girls to a popular activity. we've been trying to suggest it's time to dial the numbers down the last two parties but she doesn't (usually) want to leave anyone out...

OP posts:

bulbarsaurus · 02/10/2023 15:58

Have any of the girls not invited her to their party. It would make things a lot easier and a good excuse!

Millybob · 02/10/2023 16:00

You need to address the bullying separately with the school.

As far as the party goes, no need to say anything unless the mother is cheeky enough to ask you straight out. In which case, tell her. But don''t feel obliged to cut down numbers to make it less obvious. It needs to be obvious!

mondaytosunday · 02/10/2023 16:04

At that age kids ask their friends. I wouldn't want to know mine was the only one excluded - she may well find out and if she asks you can say they aren't friends or whatever. Just don't hand the invites out in class.

Velvetdragon13 · 09/11/2023 12:20

Invite the child anyway.

This way it could diffuse the situation between your daughter and her, she's in an environment where if things get out of hand you can call her mother and explain the situation.

Not including her may rise the tension from feeling excluded, she may not be aware her behaviour is unacceptable, some kids don't connect that the way they behave is unkind.

Flip