9YO Girls and Friendships

[hayley013]

My 9 year old daughter is struggling with her friendship group at school and I feel way out of my depth. She has been in a close friendship group with 3 other girls for around a year, and is suddenly feeling like she isn't wanted or involved in the group anymore. Two of the girls meet outside of school and one of them doesn't seem to want my DD to be invited, as an example.

She got upset in school last week and the teacher spoke to them, but she has just seemed quite down since, didn't want to go to school today which is out of character for her, and I want to help but also don't want to interfere and I understand this will happen and that it will build resilience.

I'm hoping it just passes and everything goes back to normal but does anyone have any top tips in navigating this as a parent?

[moneymoney2023]

Do you have any idea what's changed to make her feel left out? You mention 2 of the three girls are meeting outside school, what about the other? Could you arrange for DD and her to meet up to maintain the friendship?

[WinterDipper]

It’s a tricky time when hormonal changes kick in too. Both my DDs hit rocky friendship patches at the same age. It’s about learning healthy communication skills too. We read the Smart Girls guide to friendship book together and understanding what makes a good friendship give n take on both sides etc. plus doing activities outside school with kids that enjoyed something they did so they had something better in common helps.

[SunflowerOranges]

It is difficult, I was going to post about the same thing!

My dd is also 9 (Y5) and having issues, but she is suspected to be autistic which adds another layer to it. She's popular and has lots of friends but the dynamics seem to have changed a lot this year and she's struggling with it. She has three best friends but the three have other groups they tend to play with as they are all very different (think one plays with the boys, and another with a 'girly' group type thing). She doesn't really know where she fits in and isn't enjoying school at all any more, which is also unusual for her.

Sorry I don't have any answers but just wanted to say we're going through a similar thing!

[WinterDipper]

@SunflowerOranges my DD was assessed as being autistic aged 10 so I get it. It’s very common for girls to be assessed at this age as the social emotional skills really get highlighted at this age. The series of books by Libby Scott are excellent as written by a girl the same age plus the book Rose:inside an autistic mind. https://www.books2door.com/products/can-you-see-me-series-by-libby-scott-rebecca-westcott-4-books-collection-set-ages-9-14-paperback?gbraid=0AAAAADvHX9fYoRKDa_zjFgub_WxpwJ9fk&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI84W__pPXgQMVjsvtCh0JjA60EAQYASABEgL5VvD_BwE

[WinterDipper]

@SunflowerOranges we used this chat through why she may find things a bit harder
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Secret-Life-Rose-Inside-Autistic/dp/B08WS2VQYB?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

[SunflowerOranges]

Those are great, thanks so much @WinterDipper

[PerfectMatch]

Hi OP, unfortunately as other posters have said this is common around this age but it is upsetting for you and her. In my DD's case, eventually she did find a new group of friends. She spent too long hanging around the outskirts of the old group though, hoping they would change their minds and start being nice to her again .

On the positive side, you mention it building resilience. My DD is 16yo now and has sailed through secondary school with very few friendship issues so far. I think she learnt a lot from the experience at primary school about what makes a good friend, and how to cope with someone who is not one.