DD not interested in doing things that don’t directly involve her

[redambergreen70]

DD (9.5) is a lovely girl, very caring but over the last few months she rolls her eyes and complains at doing anything as a family that doesn’t directly involve spending money on her or involve her interests. It’s infuriating 😑
We have a DS (7) too and try to do things as a family at a weekend. It’s always something that I believe it suitable for their ages and doesn’t necessarily have to involve spending money.
Ive been busy this weekend with uni work, DCs have done their usual activities and played with friends. I thought it would be nice to get wrapped up in the car, grab a warm drink and drive through our local winter lights. She rolled her eyes and complained that we wouldn’t be getting out and doing anything.

Tbh that sounds incredibly boring. Sorry 😁

Local winter lights? Where are you?

Yep! Sorry.

Does she also complain if you do nothing, or would she be happy staying home and doing her own thing? If the latter then maybe stop trying so hard to do family activities and just let them be. If the former, you have more of a problem.

You think that's bad, wait till she's 13

That's just kids really.

She needs a conversation about being less self centred, thinking of others, spending time as a family, etc. On repeat, they don't all get it immediately and you can't expect them to always be altruistic.

From the way you've phrased your outing it does sound like you didn't consult them, I do think more of 'shall we do x, y or z' is appropriate unless you have solid plans.

We’ve started to say ‘you only get eg the goodies, the take always, the fun days out if you’re involved in the family all the time.’ We backed it up by going to the diner over the summer the day the two older boys refused to come for a family walk. I won’t do things like that all the time and of course we leave the eldest off some things some times but they need to get the ‘you’re part of a family, you get involved’ thing!

Ignore her. If you're talking about Blackpool then YANBU.

But one of the beauties about being an adult is that what you say goes, so if you fancy a family drive to look at lights and drink hot chocolate then that's what you'll be doing. She'll be fine once she gets her drink and sees the lights.

That’s not really a September activity( as in, what lights??) and even if it were, driving round rather than walking it sounds a bit boring.
Children can get involved in boring activities if it’s something useful ( eg shopping) or necessary for someone else( eg walking to get younger sibling to Cubs) but really, choose your battles wisely.

Sounds quite nice but what lights? Isnt that an Xmas thing?

Where is this? It's only September!

Well the Instagram always needs feeding doesn't it

making memories

happy family.

Trouble is it's a lie if the people there didn't want to be there.

The point they need to learn though is that you have fun when you least expect it- the making memories thing is bs imo because it shows happiness and fakeness whereas a real good day out in our family involves a partially shit day that gave no good photos and that ended in you all laughing about it later. It’s very rare the kids come away from a day out saying they wished they hadn’t come whereas the days they stay home and on screens they just shrug when you ask did they have a good day

My ex used to like to go for a drive to look at stuff and then home . Even as an adult I thought it was really boring tbh.

My kids are similar ages and doing space in school as a term topic. Hot chocolate and star identifying is really nice way to relax together at end of the day. I got an app to help. I think there is a balance between stuff you want to do and keeping it fun / engaging.

Winter lights? Where are you? Unless it's the northern lights I'd have no interest either.

I would say for now she needs to come. Once old enough to stay home alone, around 10/11/12 - depending on where you live and how mature she is, then we leave them home alone for short times if we are near to home. Going to buy shoes for your brother is boring. Driving around looking at lights at this time of year is unlikely to be loads of fun either. Maybe say that she can start to earn your trust by coming with you for the longer trips but staying home for short times when she is ten. It does feel strange at first but she will start to develop her own life apart from you.