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Preteens

Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

Original poster

Son swore about me

25 replies

Sadandhurt23 · 05/09/2023 16:07

NC for this as I'm so hurt and upset.

For context my 12 year old really is the most loving, kind, genuine, sensitive kid. Everyone loves him and speaks highly of him, from teachers to neighbours.

I came home from work today and he was playing on his Xbox, which is standard in the holidays. His teenage sister is around to keep an eye on him, but they generally stay our of each others way. Homework has come through from school as they can't go in till next week due to the concrete issue in school. I told him he had 5 minutes left to play on his xbox and he got a bit loud, he had his headset on to his friend so couldn't hear much of what I was saying. I told him again a bit louder that he had 5 minutes left and this time he heard me. He got cross and said in a very loud whisper to his friend 'I've only got 5 minutes left because of that fucking slag!' To say I was incensed is an understatement. I told him to go to his room. I've disconnected the Xbox and boxed it up. I've taken all of the games away too. He is grounded indefinitely now.

I am so saddened and upset. He has never displayed anything of this sort of behaviour apart from the odd hormonal outburst, certainly nothing as derogatory as this. I've told him how upset and angry I am and I've called my DH at work to tell him. He is now in his room, visibly upset. We have an amazing relationship and I feel that he has really crossed a line. Swearing is one thing, of course he does it at school, they all do, but to use the word 'slag' about his own mother!

I really don't know what else to do. I know he doesn't mean it and was probably caught up in his game and was cross with the 5 minute warning but that certainly isn't an excuse for this. I am so shocked and saddened.

Any advise?

One sad mum 😢

OP posts:
Annaishere · 05/09/2023 16:43

Don’t let him off easy and keep the Xbox off him for long enough as a serious punishment. I hope mine doesn’t talk about me like that when I tell him to turn it off! I’m just assuming he doesn’t

Original poster
Sadandhurt23 · 05/09/2023 16:47

@Annaishere Honestly, it's totally out of character for him. He really is the loveliest kid, and I'm not saying that to justify his behaviour. I'm just so sad that he could use that awful derogatory word.

OP posts:
Tiredmum100 · 05/09/2023 17:05

My 11 year old sounds like your ds. He's a lovely kind boy and we we have a good relationship. I'd be hurt, upset, and livid if I heard him say that about me. My personal opinion is that he was showing off to his friend. He's probably (and hopefully) mortified. You need to have a chat with him about respect and derogatory terms. Has he apologised?

Embarrassednamechangeadoddle · 05/09/2023 17:08

I think what you have done so far is right. Sounds like he is generally a kind and loving kid who made a really stupid decision to say something horrific. Your punishments sound reasonable. It does sound like acting up in front of his friends. That is a complicated age behaviour and friends wise I think.

Dillydollydingdong · 05/09/2023 17:12

He probably doesn't even know what a slag is. Don't give him the x box back until you've received a genuine heartfelt apology.

Houseplantmad · 05/09/2023 17:12

Does he have social media? If so, check what sort of accounts he is following.

Theblacksheepandme · 05/09/2023 17:13

What you did is perfect. I would keep it for a week. When everything calms down sit down and have a chat. He needs to know this type of language towards anyone is completely unacceptable.

Theblacksheepandme · 05/09/2023 17:15

Dillydollydingdong · 05/09/2023 17:12

He probably doesn't even know what a slag is. Don't give him the x box back until you've received a genuine heartfelt apology.

I think you would be surprised what they know at this age.

HappyCamperTent · 05/09/2023 17:20

Bloody hell! That’s really bad. I’d be so cross and hurt too OP.

HelpMeGetThrough · 05/09/2023 17:21

Annaishere · 05/09/2023 16:43

Don’t let him off easy and keep the Xbox off him for long enough as a serious punishment. I hope mine doesn’t talk about me like that when I tell him to turn it off! I’m just assuming he doesn’t

I wouldn't assume that.

I'm sure we've been called all sorts by ours here. I know at times I did about mine, they just never heard it.

whowhatwerewhy · 05/09/2023 17:55

I would sit him down and ask him to explain why he said it . Tell him how hurt you are . I did similar with my DS it transpired he was trying to act cool and grown up in-front of his mates.

Original poster
Sadandhurt23 · 05/09/2023 17:57

@Tiredmum100 he has but he doesn't seem very remorseful.... yet! I will see after tomorrow when he realises that he has lost his console. I have boxed it up and he thinks I'm going to sell it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sadandhurt23 · 05/09/2023 18:01

@HappyCamperTent I could almost forgive him if he'd just said f'off, but the word slag is just so awful and so derogatory. 😢

OP posts:
threecupsofteaminimum · 05/09/2023 18:55

I know you're feeling awful, I would be too. Your beautiful loving little boy has grown up a bit and I really do think this is a slip,of the tongue whilst he's caught up in his game with his friend.

I'd bet he's mortified and will probably remember this episode forever. He may not know how to express this, his indifference is probably confusion and regret.

I hope you all feel better soon.

itsmyp4rty · 05/09/2023 19:04

I think instead of being angry and punishing him hard you'd be much better off being upset and calmly explaining calmly why. Teaching him empathy is how he will change, punish hard and you'll just teach him bitterness and resentment.

You know this isn't normal behaviour so he just needs to clearly know it's not ok and why. Take the xbox away for a bit but be clear and reasonable about how long it is - anything more than a week is too long in a nearly teens world. A week is more than long enough for him to get the message. Spend some of that time talking to him about his behaviour, misogyny, growing up, and consider giving him a bit more responsibility for making his own lunch, doing his own washing or something along those lines.

Pashazade · 05/09/2023 19:05

I would have gone mental in a very cold seething anger kind of way. Definitely remove the Xbox, show him the dictionary definition of slag and why it is so offensive. Explain to him he's allowed to be annoyed at you but that he has crossed a very big line. Grounded and no devices for a week. I guess if this is generally out of character then you'll get an apology, but be careful not to back him into a corner for what is in all likelihood unthinking adolescent behaviour.

Noalcohol · 05/09/2023 19:08

Honestly it’s not the swearing that would bother me as a lot of teenagers go through this phase it’s the fact he called you a slag! Seriously I would ban Xbox for 6 months at least.

sezzer87 · 05/09/2023 19:25

It's bad but he's 12 and I imagine he hears all sorts at school and online. Probably trying to impress his mates. This rebellious stage is inevitable.
I think the best way to deal with it is not to shout but to have a deep conversation with him about how it made you feel. Definitely keep the Xbox off him for atleast a month.

Original poster
Sadandhurt23 · 06/09/2023 11:25

Thanks everyone.

He is very remorseful. He was playing with his football in the garden yesterday and I caught him sitting on the wall just staring. He knows how bad it is and why he's being punished. I asked him why he said it and he said he was angry at being told to come off his game. I asked him if he knew what a slag was and he said it's a woman that's married and cheats on her husband. I explained to him what the term was used to describe and how derogatory it was and he was horrified. He has accepted that he's lost his xbox, he thinks I've sold it. Last night I saw a message on his phone where he told his friend he was grounded for 5 years! I don't think it will be quite that long!

Still can't quite believe those words left his mouth but as it's so out of character I need to move on. I'm sure the swearing won't be the last I hear but hopefully the derogatory, misogynistic terms will be.

OP posts:
threecupsofteaminimum · 06/09/2023 12:09

Ah, yep, he's feeling wretched. Don't be too hard on him.

I'm glad it's settled down a bit for you personally, please know he hasn't said it maliciously as a purposeful slur, he's still your lovely lad.

I hope you're ok. Flowers

aSofaNearYou · 06/09/2023 12:17

Sounds like it's going well to me, I disagree with comments saying to be soft on him. He's had to confront his actions because you haven't been soft on him. I'd let this sit for a bit, let him feel bad and show it, before considering giving the Xbox back. Otherwise he will just do it again and won't learn anything.

Sicario · 06/09/2023 12:23

I really hope your DH will find time to take him out and have a man-to-young man conversation about misogynistic language and behaviours and how toxic it is. He needs to learn about respecting women and girls. Using the word 'slag' is just the tip of the iceberg.

Original poster
Sadandhurt23 · 06/09/2023 14:32

@Sicario he does talk to him all the time, we both do. He has quite a few girlfriends and is always nothing but very respectful, he always has been which is why the girls love him. We have spoken to him about the misogyny on the internet and how words can hurt and the meaning behind them. His dad is a very good role model for him, he's the loveliest man you could ever meet. I'm hoping it's just a blip, a not to be repeated incident.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sadandhurt23 · 06/09/2023 14:35

@threecupsofteaminimum thank you. I'm still reeling a bit today. He is being a pain today as he should be at school but the school is closed due to being an affected building. With no xbox or friends around to speak to he's just being silly, nothing I can't handle though. Kids eh? x

OP posts:
Mummy08m · 06/09/2023 14:39

Sadandhurt23 · 06/09/2023 11:25

Thanks everyone.

He is very remorseful. He was playing with his football in the garden yesterday and I caught him sitting on the wall just staring. He knows how bad it is and why he's being punished. I asked him why he said it and he said he was angry at being told to come off his game. I asked him if he knew what a slag was and he said it's a woman that's married and cheats on her husband. I explained to him what the term was used to describe and how derogatory it was and he was horrified. He has accepted that he's lost his xbox, he thinks I've sold it. Last night I saw a message on his phone where he told his friend he was grounded for 5 years! I don't think it will be quite that long!

Still can't quite believe those words left his mouth but as it's so out of character I need to move on. I'm sure the swearing won't be the last I hear but hopefully the derogatory, misogynistic terms will be.

This sounds like it went really well, op. I think you handled it amazingly

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