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Preteens

Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

More important to be cool or kind

5 replies

Usedtobemummynowjustbruh · 19/08/2023 14:00

I'm slightly baffled by the choices and things being said by the parents of some of my daughter's friends.
She is 12, heading off the secondary school. A lot of the girls have completely blanked her over summer.
We spoke about it and I said she would make new friends not to worry about them.
I check her phone regularly and she isn't doing anything wrong. She is quite a sensible kid, stroppy in the morning but a good kid generally.
I bumped into another mum who said her daughter and the rest of the friends are hanging out with other cool kids and maybe my daughter could hang out with them but that she would have to maybe change her style and starting making her hair pretty.
I was really shocked. I could see a kid saying something like that but an adult to a 12 year old?
Apparently, being kind to one girl who is a bit socially awkward has put my daughter firmly in the uncool camp.
The mum was laughing about how quickly they have gone to cool kids and nerds. Almost boasting about it. It was very odd.
Are there really more parents out there who think being cool is more important than being a nice person?
I just cannot believe an adult saying it. What hope do the kids have when that is the attitude of the parents at home! I despair! I'm trying really hard to make my daughter comfortable to be herself and that she doesn't have to follow the crowd if she doesn't want to. Am I setting her up to have no friends?

OP posts:
Annaishere · 19/08/2023 14:04

She will have friends she just won’t be shallow and maybe popular- but I think that phase will wear off and people will like her for who she is and nothing else as she gets older

ineedanap82 · 19/08/2023 17:44

Absolutely hate crap like this and I definitely wouldn't boast about my daughter being a cool kid whilst someone else's daughter is being left out. Unfortunately though teenagers can be horrible. Your daughter will make new friends. When it comes to not standing out at secondary make sure she has Nike trainers and bags or whatever is the in thing. Shouldn't have to but it just makes it easier.

WalKat · 20/08/2023 20:11

That's awful for a parent to say that!
I hope she finds her people when she starts the new school. Kind rather than "cool"! I know which i would rather spend time with!!

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 20/08/2023 21:11

Some of the parents in DD's old class are like that as they're complicit in DD being left out all summer. Luckily DD got over it pretty quickly, she had some great playdate s/outings with the other uncool kids , she's chatting/playing online with the boys quite a lot and already had some meet ups with some new girls in her form. None of the little buttholes are in her form anyway, so they would've distanced themselves eventually anyway.

She'll never be cool (too weird/her own person for that), but she's fucking awesome and genuinely nice . Their loss.

Usedtobemummynowjustbruh · 23/08/2023 23:07

Little wobble on day one then she has been fine. Girls from other primary schools are in her class and she has made lots of friends quickly.
Here's hoping this is a better friendship group for her.

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